If Only

Twelve

Charlotte Bartlett

Soon Monday came. I woke up to the sound of my alarm blaring from my phone beside my bed. I hadn't seen Nate since Saturday afternoon but he'd text me constantly to check how I was

I think my nausea is enemy #1, morning sickness was no friend to me. Each morning I'd wake up and immediately rush to the bathroom. But it didn't help to have Wednesday on my mind, on Wednesday I'd be married

I was pregnant with a random man's child and marrying him. I never saw this twist in my life. I pictured a fairytale, falling in love with someone who'd sweep me off my feet. We'd fall in love and get married after a few years and he'd take me across Europe traveling then have kids in our 30s. But sometimes we have to realize, fairy tales are called "fairy tales" for a reason

I thought about what Aunt Emma may have done in this situation, though she'd never be in it.

When the movers arrived earlier than expected and I looked obscured. I felt like everything was rushed, and like an ass for being unable to help. Everything in my life was changing so fast

I went from being a 22 year old fresh out of college with a new job working for the devil to soon a wife and mother to a man I barely knew. The thought of love crossed my mind, would I ever experience it? Nobody's ever really loved me. Sure Carter claims he did, but if he did he wouldn't have cheated

As my mind was spinning a mile a minute I groaned at the worst part of today. I'd have to go try on dresses and the thought of my mom having me on display like some dish to pick at was a stressful thought. My friends would be there which helped but Amara was a monster

Growing up, my mother Amara would antagonize me about my body. Nothing was ever enough, she was a walking trigger warning. She sparked an eating disorder from her disapproval and damaging comments growing up.

I moved around my boxes and picked out some clothes. I went simple but elegant today, a gray plaid pencil skirt with a matching blazer and black bodysuit underneath. I slipped on black platforms and exited my apartment grabbing my keys by the door going to the garage. Once I got into my car I blasted the jam taking a deep breath debating on screaming or not "this weeks going to be fine" I was half convinced

As I walking through the lobby I never felt more eyes on me "Morning Charlotte" I looked to see Lindsay waiting for me with files in hand "these are some clients manuscripts, you have a meeting with William Schmidt in 20 minutes" 

Lindsay looked  to my finger "congratulations" is that why everyone was staring?

"Oh thank you, its nothing" she looked at me confused "oh well not nothing, it's a very big deal" I laughed nervously

"Oh speaking of which" Lindsay followed behind as I went to my office "my weddings on Wednesday I'd like you to be there just in case" She looked shocked

"Really?" I did a light nod

"As long as you promise not to fuck him" she caught her breath 

"Oh most certainly not Char-"

"Don't worry Linds I'm joking"  She nodded nervously 

"Thank you Charlotte"

"Of course" I dismissed her from my office as I prepped for my meeting

It came and went as I listened to some guy pitch a book about his thoughts of the sky, which almost put me to sleep. I felt bad but I did what I usually did, said we'd be in touch and then have Lindsay break the bad news