A/N: I'd like to thank Brent for cancelling on our plans, because you made me pissed to the point where I needed to write angsty Drarry shit and thus this book was born.
ABOUT THIS BOOK:
Each chapter is named after a song that fits the vibe of the chapter. Find the full playlist on Spotify as 'Faking My Own Death (AO3)' by Nemo. In general, the book was named after Allison Ponthier's album 'Faking My Own Death'.
Content warnings are added to relevant chapters. In any case, this book does not include homophobia, transphobia, (sexual) assault, physical abuse between Harry and Draco, or substance abuse. All sexual interactions are consensual. I do consider one chapter about Draco's family to be a bit trigger-heavy, but it's entirely skippable with a summary of events in the next chapter.
For context: I am trans, neurodivergent, and acespec and I don't support JK's terf shit. I hope to provide some queer escapism here.
--
"You worry too much
You make yourself sad
You can't change fate
But don't feel so bad
Enjoy it while you can
It's just like the weather
So quit complaining, brother...
No one lives forever!"
Grief is a funny thing. Dealing with it is shitty, terrible, and never-ending, really. It will follow you around for the rest of your life, popping back up at unexpected turns. However, what if you are grieving your own life? If you only had a few more months, weeks, or hours to live, how could you even begin to process that?
You wouldn't want to stay stuck sulking, since there is so much left of life to experience, so many things you would want to do before biting the dust. Yet, there is no time to do all of these things because the grief has you stuck in standstill. Your life would feel like a train racing to the station, with breaks hissing and overheating, unable to stop you from reaching your final destination.
Nevertheless, while you are on the train, you wouldn't feel the speed and the grinding of the gears, metal to metal. Instead, you would feel like a freezeframe, captured in a brief glimpse of what's left of your life on earth.
A wise man might say you would be grounded in what you can control, the here and now. But wouldn't that ignore that the train is still moving forward? Unstoppable like a growling beast. If you see the end station nearing, is it wise to ignore the limited time left? To keep acting as if time stands still? As if your being has no influence on the course of the train?
This is exactly the angsty shit that went through Draco's mind as he realised his time was up. Call it intuition, call it foresight, call it paranoia. He knew that Voldemort was coming for his family next. A few months ago, Draco had been tasked with the impossible: killing the beloved headmaster of his school. He had felt antsy ever since, hoping his thoughts would stop swirling and start making sense. They didn't.
Hogwarts had been a safe space for Draco all of his life. Admittedly, he was known as a bully at Hogwarts, but at least he could be free at his school. Out here, his parents couldn't burden him with their frustrations, shame, and disappointment. No, Draco could experience a normal childhood while at Hogwarts. Now, he had to risk all that and stain his happy memories with a murder.
It wasn't Dumbledore that was the problem. Draco neither loved nor hated him. He was perfectly neutral. However, that didn't make it easier to kill somebody. And Dumbledore, he wasn't just anybody. For many students, Dumbledore was a living legend, like a superhero they looked up to and aspired to be. To snuff out the innocence of his classmates by the heartbreak of losing their headmaster felt cruel. It felt as if Draco would have to personally crush their souls.
Knowing already what losing your innocence felt like in the midst of this war, Draco was weary of causing that same pain for others. There were very few people Draco's age who knew what it was like to have to grow up and take on your role as a pawn in a war you had nothing to do with. Harry Potter was one of them.
YOU ARE READING
(Drarry) Faking My Own Death
FanfictionDraco had dealt with enough death to make peace with his own. Getting a handle on his emo angst, he assumed his life would end after Dumbledore's murder. He didn't expect to keep living. He didn't expect to find something, someone left living for. H...
