toxic|chan

~nine~

I stand awkwardly next to the door of Chan's studio. This is the only place we can talk without prying eyes and ears. It's also the last place I want to be right now. If we're closed off from others, we're more likely to give into our weaknesses. The moment things get heated it's over. We'll fall back into the cycle—even if we don't want to.

"Sit down—I'm not going to do anything. I'm not even locking the door." Chan tugs me toward the couch. He gently pushes me down before sitting down at his desk.

"We need to stop. It's the first we've seen each other in years and we dove right into sex. It's hard for me to hold back, but I can't keep giving in. I think Bin was getting somewhere earlier when he joked about you dating JiSung. I mean—I'd prefer if it wasn't one of them—but maybe his idea is perfect. It'd give me a reason to pull back and give you a reason to keep me off of you." Chan lowers his head as he tries to make sense of things.

"I don't date." I mumble as I recall the one confession I actually had a hard time turning down. If you asked me why I didn't accept his heart—I'd tell you it just didn't feel right, but in reality—the reason was Chan. He's the one thing that's always circling around in my head. No matter how much I say I hate him—I can't live without him.

"Someone had to have liked you at one point—it's been six years. Can't you find them? Maybe they'll help you realize what a healthy relationship is. Your parents weren't exactly a good example. They rubbed off on us and look where we are now. We both need to step back and try to see what healthy relationships are." Chan lifts his head to look at me. For once, he looks like he's finally deciding to call it quits—and that scares me. He looks determined. The only other time I've seen him like this is when we talked about wanting to debut as idols.

"One of the trainees confessed a few months ago." I whisper and Chan tenses a bit. He knows that he's the one who suggested it, but it doesn't mean it's going to be easy for him.

"Oh—I mean—is—is he nice? Your mom said there was five of them you were close to—is it one of them? Do you know him well?" Chan begins asking question after question. He's not trying to be nosy. He's just—worried. He doesn't want to lose me to someone only for me to end up in the same cycle with them. If the cycle has to continue, it has to be with him. He's the only one I'd trust enough to let it keep going—as long as I knew there was no way out.

"He's nice. He's quite a bit taller than me, too—but that doesn't take much. His hair is really pretty, too. He's really good at dancing. His smile can light up a room. He has the cutest laugh. His eyes are like chocolate diamonds." I smile to myself as I picture him sitting beside me with his arm around me like the countless number of times after practice came to a late end. We'd all sit in the middle of the practice room and chat before one of them would offer to walk me home.

"How would you describe me?" Chan asks—jealousy causing his blood to start to boil.

"You? You're an ass. Attractive, but an ass." I state casually and Chan groans. He gets to his feet and makes his way toward me. He sits down and takes my hand in his.

"Try it. Try dating him. If it doesn't work—come back to me and we'll try to start over. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here waiting for you, but the most important thing is that you're happy. You're not happy with me like this. If you can be happy with that trainee then I'll accept it and leave you alone." Chan mumbles softly as he plays with my fingers. He's taking the last few moments he has to touch me—just so he can feel my skin beneath his before it's too late.

"I'll never leave you. Even if I eventually get married to some random person—you'll always be a part of my life. You will always be able to hold my hand like this. You will always be able to see me. I won't let you disappear again." I explain as I stare down at our hands. His gentle touch is something I will never let go. He may get rough at times, but this is my Chan. This is the Chan that stole my heart—the Chan I refuse to give up.