Train Wreck

fifty-four

I've never been a fan of how people spread information on the internet.  Once I met Alice and followed her online it was a relief to see the way she chose to post about her life.  It was nice to see someone who did not share vague drama or snotty remarks about others in a way that was meant to gain attention.  If anything she hid more than she should.

Benji was the same way.  I found a graphic about the new Nintendo game release coming out at Christmas and forward it to him on Instagram as we sat quietly in the cool morning air, just making an attempt at contact.  He double-tapped the photo and replied, "I'll make a deal with Lissy to earn this if I get good grades."

It wasn't much, but it was something.

Peach greeted me with excited huffs and licks, dipping her head before I lobbed a tennis ball toward the fence before handing Benji his drink.

He nodded his thanks but set the can on the deck, staring into the distance without a word.

That's a bad sign.

Lissy would know what to do.

She'd know how to get Benji to open up. What to say or do so he felt better. I can see from how he's about to grind his teeth into nubs that he's stressed. I do the same thing. Last night when Rob showed up I almost shattered my jaw when I saw the way he looked at my Little lamb.

Maybe if I'm...

"It's weird, right?"

His voice was a rasp and I strained to hear him.

"Probably, but can you elaborate?" I teased Benji gently and scooched my chair around so I could face him a bit more fully.

This was what I needed to pay attention to, these moments where he offered part of himself. All I needed to do was receive everything Benji was holding on a silver platter.  This kid may not be an open book but he was willing to share snippets once in a while if you watch closely.

He smirked, reaching for the soda I brought out moments before and tapping the top before opening its tab. The Coke fizzed to the surface higher than he expected and Benji laughed lightly, sipping his drink quickly to prevent a mess.

That's a good sign.  Lissy has reminded me that small movements like taking a drink or a change in how someone is sitting can show they're receptive.

 "Like... yesterday I woke up and was so excited." I noticed the way Benji stretched his leg out straighter before shaking his head, "I was so stupid."

"Nope. Never stupid. Hope keeps us moving, but now we have a new normal we have to figure out. I'm here with you and we will find a way to... I don't know..." 

I stumbled over my words but felt his hand on my shoulder to stop me.

Benji stared into my eyes a long moment and I would have sworn I was looking at Reese.

They had similar eyes, even though the color was different.

Same shape and expressive way of sparkling when he had thoughts ready to share.  Same long lashes that blinked away tears while Benji looked away, sighing before his voice croaked again n an attempt to help me feel better.

"I know. I don't need to bug you with all this cause you have so much to worry about anyway but it just... feels so dumb now. What's the point of a pool party?"

I didn't have a ready answer so I sat quietly thinking it over.

What is the point?  Are we only doing this so other people will feel better?  Shouldn't grief be about what we need, not about what others want?