102

//Six//

Is there somewhere~ Halsey

I curled up under my crisp white duvet from Ikea, and was trying hard to breathe. I was either not breathing enough because I would stop breathing occasionally before I started into tears again, or because I was nearly hyperventilating. My head hurt.

I buried myself under a mountain of blankets and closed my eyes tightly. Focusing on my breathing. My therapist back in America taught me several "relaxing" techniques. They almost always never worked. But sometimes, like today, it worked a little magic. Enough for me to think.

God I'm pathetic. I'm freaking out over some idea that's probably wrong. How could Matty love me like that? No one could. Especially him. I wasn't his type. He liked pretty, skinny girls. Girls I could only dream of being. Girls I'll die trying to be.

With shaky hands, I pulled my hair up in to a sloppy bun. My dad was at work so I turned on my record player as loud as I could.

I walked into the bathroom that was in my room and locked the door behind me. I grabbed a razor I had hidden in the back of one of the drawers in the vanity.

Sitting on the ground, I pulled my pants down off my hips and looked at the previous scars. More tears came to my eyes as I realized how pathetic I was.

I put the blade against my flesh and dug the blade in until my knuckles turned white. Then I began to drag the blade across my rough skin.

I did this continuously until I couldn't see where I had cut because it was just a mess of blood.

I washed the blood off a bit and put one of those large band-aids over it, and got in the shower to clear my head. That's what I usually did when things go completely wrong. Get in the shower.