thoughts

61

when i was young,
you treated me like a younger sibling.
we shared the same interests,
same music taste
and style of clothing.
you stopped caring about me.
i lost someone who i thought was like a big brother to me.
years passed.
i matured.
my body slimmed out.
my boobs got bigger.
and my face got prettier.
then you came back around.
you told me i was mature for my age.
i was only 14.
you were 18.
you bribed me with alcohol.
told me that everything would be okay.
it's all a blur.
that night was all a blur.
i remember the feeling of your hands on me.
i felt cold.
the liquor on your breath made me uncomfortable.
and as your hand reached down my pants,
i asked you to stop.
i told you no in every way that i could.
i made up excuses.
i tried to convince you not to.
but you did it anyway.
i was scared.
i felt trapped.
on my own living room couch you touched me.
i didn't want it.
the room was spinning.
i wanted to convince myself it wasn't real.
that this was normal.
that this was what i deserved.
you came back a second time.
i listened this time.
i went by your rules.
i didn't mess up this time.
i let you pour the alcohol down my throat.
i let it happen.
i was scared.
on my own living room couch.
i wanted to scream.
but i stayed silent.
i took off my shirt.
i tried to convince myself this was okay.
that it was pleasing you so it must be okay.
i was so scared.
i wanted to scream.
i could've.
i could've screamed,
my dad would've came downstairs and pried you off of me.
but you had eyes of a murderer.
you had eyes of a monster.
the room was spinning again.
i wanted to forget.
waking up the next morning was the worst.
i sat in the shower for hours it seemed,
wishing the warm water would wash away the places your cold hands touched.
i couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
i held the secret in for months.
you stayed away for days.
until you came back.
you messaged me every night asking for more.
my answer was always no.
it seemed easier to tell you no over the phone screen.
i'm still scared of you.
i think about the experience everyday.
when i go downstairs,
i look at the place on the couch where it happened.
when i pass the mirror i remember you forcing your hand down my pants.
i hear your name sometimes.
my heart drops.
and my mind races.
you scare me.