constellations

Apus

I will never be a morning person,
for the moon and I are far too much in love.

Constellation: Apus

Brightest Star: a apodis

"I want out. I want to leave."

Christopher sat up and looked down at me. I could tell he was worried.

"What do you mean?" He asked quietly.

"I've been living in this bubble for such a long time. I need to the stars from a new point of view." I whispered back.

"For how long?" Chris replied, with a small frown on his lips.

"I'm not sure. I just feel so trapped here. I don't think I can do this much longer, without becoming mentally hurt. I have to come back, but I want to move around for awhile." I said with an air of certainty. I knew this is what my heart yearned for. I ignored the voice in the back of my mimd reminding me of the wonderful person that was already right next to me.

"Okay..." He trailed off uncertainly.

We were quiet for awhile. Forever wondering at the endless abyss we as humans call space. An infinite length across, you could sit your entire life and try to understand, but it would never be comprehensible.

We treat the night sky like a canvas we wish to paint across, when really it's more of a lake that is immeasurable, ripples on the top that are always changing.

The how and what are much too large for us to try and figure, instead we focus on the little. The things we feel that someday may be understandable.

I yearned for him to see my thoughts that I would never be able to get out.

I was terrified of the person who I saw myself becoming in the future. My mind was too confused, and I was so scared that the drag pulling me down would grab him too. He was a light that I wished would never go out. Maybe my leaving would protect him.

Or maybe I was being silly. Maybe this was all in my head. Maybe I have begun to loose the one thing that belonged to me and no one else could have without my permission.

My mind.

"Look, you see that one right there? That's Apus, isn't it?" Chris' voice pierced the midnight air. He grabbed my hand and pointed.

"Yeah..." I whispered back, unsure of where he was going with this. He lowered our hands and connected our pinkies like normal while he spoke.

"It means bird-of-paradise, right? Well you said you feel like a caged bird." I was surprised he remembered that comment I had made from what felt like so long ago. "Maybe you just haven't found your paradise yet. When you do, then maybe you can be fully happy again."

"Paradise doesn't have sickness, Chris." I mumbled unhappily.

"I know-," He began to reply, but I cut him off and sat up.

"Paradise doesn't exist, Chris. Especially not for me. The pain, the sadness, I don't think I ever will have a forever happiness. Too much bad happens." I thrust a hand through my hair to pull it away from my face.

"You just need a positive outlook! It will all be okay, and if it's not okay you just haven't reached that point yet!" Chris exclaimed.

I just shook my head and glared at the hand that was in my lap, Chris hadn't let me let go of his pinky.

"My end point might be here soon. Where's the positive in that?!" Christopher seemed taken aback by my outburst, normally I was pretty mellow.

I rolled my eyes at his loss of words. "Don't bother pitying my either. I've had a long time to get used to the idea."

Internally I was furious with myself for taking my anger and frustration out on the one who always tried to give me peace. He just didn't understand! There wasn't anything I could say that would put him in my shoes.

I still couldn't figure out why he hadn't ditched me yet. Chris had to know I came with a lot of baggage. Every night I was continually surprised when he would show up on our roofs. Why? Why is he still my friend, or er, my boyfriend? We hadn't labeled that yet.

"Why do you still come out here anyways." My lips had just betrayed my mind. These were thoughts I didn't want even my breath to feel.

Christopher flinched back. He shook his head as if my words had actually hurt. I slapped my hands over my mouth and gave him apologetic eyes.

Only I didn't realize until later I had yanked our pinkies apart when I pulled back.

"What do you mean, Mackenzie?" Chris questioned. His tone was sad and made me want to duck behind my curtain of hair.

My hands dropped to my lap. "I just... I mean why would you stick around and deal with someone like me anyways. I mean I know we kissed, but..." I trailed off as I felt my cheeks begin to burn.

"Where is this coming from? That kiss should have only strengthened your faith that I wasn't going anywhere." Chris' frown had deepened.

"Okay..." He didn't let me say anything more before he started talking again.

"I'm not trying to say I get it. Because I know I don't. But if you would just be more positive-". I cut Christopher off for the 2nd time since I had met him. This hadn't happened to us before.

"What's there to be positive about?! I want to leave but I don't even know how! Even if I can go for awhile, I have to drag myself back to this stupid little town because they don't know what is wrong with me. And it's terrifying. But what is even more scary is the thought of slowly loosing my mind. I feel so stu-ck." I choked out the last word.

Chris scooted closer as if to comfort me.

"Don't." He froze as I spoke. I stood up and gathered my things.

"Where are you going?" Chris asked hesitantly.

"Inside." My voice barely audible. I couldn't make myself care enough to figure out why I was acting this way.

"Wait Mac. Stay please! Let's talk this ou-." But I had already crossed the roof and stepped inside my window.

I had shut it. Cutting him off for the fourth time that starry night. I had cut him off from holding me, too. My heart had begun to shut itself off. From the one thing in my life that held the key to my possible happiness.

A/N

Well that escalated quickly. Remember she isn't perfect and she's been through a lot.

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