Ashes Of You And I (Completed) | ✔️

- 49: My laughably broken heart -

"Ryder..." I breathed out, placing my hands on my face in frustration.

Why is he doing this now?

This has to stop. This back and forth is not what my heart can handle.

And Ryder isn't safe as long as he's anywhere near me.

When you love someone, let them go.

I never understood the meaning of this sentence.

I remember watching 'Me before you' with Lex and she literally gaped at me, calling me emotionless, when I didn't cry. The idea of letting someone out of your life because you love them, is what I found really stupid.

But now as I stood here in front of Ryder I understood the meaning and the irony of what Lex said.

"Clear what up?" I asked, looking at him in disbelief. "There's nothing left."

"Don't." He shut his eyes and his voice cracked slightly, making my chest tighten. "Don't say that."

I gaped at him as I hung onto the last thread of control. "Do you hear yourself right now? You ended this, Ryder. You walked away, again."

"But that doesn't mean that I don't love you, Miles. I'm only doing this in hopes that you will back out of all the dangerous shit that you are in." He said, taking a step towards me, only for me to take two steps back.

I know I should've stopped talking, but I didn't. I let my shattered heart take control.

"Is this a fucking game to you?" I asked, my voice wavering.

I felt dizzy with all the emotions that suddenly flooded in my head.

"No! Oh God, no." He breathed out, looking at me wide-eyed.

Even though I know, that he doesn't know the real reason why I can't back out of the deal, I was tired and I just wanted to push him away. That would save us both the struggle of this back and forth.

My heart was broken into so many pieces that I could barely feel it anymore.

"I can't do this anymore, Ryder." I finally said with a heart heavier that what's supposed to be in a human chest.

I turned to walk away and reached the parking lot. It was dawn and the air was crisp outside.

"But you- you said you loved me." He said, his voice cracking as he followed me outside. "Why are you running away? I thought you never walked away from a fight."

I stopped in my tracks as his words cut deep into my heart.

"Why can't you fight for us?"

I suddenly snapped my head to face him.

"BECAUSE I FUCKING CARE TOO MUCH!" I yelled finally letting out the emotions building up from the past hour, maybe days.

'Maybe years...'

said a voice in the back of my head.

I can't let him in, again. I need to push him away. Because I love him, a little too much.

"Because, apparently, I'm not fucking capable of feeling anything in moderation." My voice still loud, feeling the energy and a piece of my heart slowly draining out of me. My mind swirling as I struggle to think straight.

"Because, apparently, I'm still the bloody idiot I was 3 years ago. Because -" My voice cracks as I feel a very familiar and unbearable pain in my throat. "Because, apparantly, having my heart broken once wasn't enough."