More Than Fine. (Complete)

9- MTF Taking My Own Advice

     "What should I do?" she silently prayed.

     Tapping her fingers on the desk, she decided to live out her own words. She wasn't going to continue to repeat her past and let men walk all over her. She was going to start speaking up for herself. She'd tried it yesterday with Mr. Bellanti, and surprisingly, it hadn't bothered him, in fact he had agreed with her. She smiled at the thought, then stood up with fire in her eyes. I can do this.

     Walking with purpose, she headed to Mr. Bellanti's office. His door was still open from when she left him earlier, and she walked in, and stared at him as he focused on the computer screen while running a hand through his hair. His eyes clenched and he sighed, then lifted his hands to his face and propped his elbows on the table. Gia was mesmerized. He looked vulnerable, and something in her wanted to reach out and comfort him. As the seconds ticked by, she realized she should make her presence known, so she cleared her throat.

     Mr. Bellanti pulled back from his hands and the face that moments before was full of emotion, became expressionless. "Miss Hoffman?"

     After watching him at his weak point, her anger subsided and was replaced with only determination. "You."

     He furrowed his brow. "Excuse me?"

     "I choose you as my mentor."

     Mr. Bellanti flew up from his chair, and slapped his hands on his desk, causing Gia to flinch and take a step back. "I'm not an option." He clenched his hands, then shoved them into his pockets and turned towards the window staring down at Times Square.

     "I'm not going to let it happen anymore. I'm not going to let men walk all over me. As a kid my..." her voice trailed off. "Never mind, anyway, when I first got here it was Mr. Nakamura, and now it's you. I won't keep letting that happen. I'm taking my own advice, and changing my future. I want you. As my mentor I mean. We make a good team, and you're obviously the best. And I-"

     "Who hurt you?" Mr. Bellanti swung around with concern in his face and his voice softer, but she clammed up. "Who hurt you as a child?"

     Horror filled her face as she realized what she had almost admitted. She shook her head, and sunk into the seat she was standing next to.

     Seconds later he was rubbing her shoulder. "It's okay, Gia. You don't need to say more. I'm so sorry."

     Lifting her eyes to his, she saw pain... and something else.

     "I'll be your mentor. You're right, we make a good team." His jaw clenched. "I'm sorry. I won't shut you out again."

~~~

     "That sofa pillow must be incredibly interesting." Evie plopped down beside her friend. "What's up?"

     Gia frowned. "My relationship with God isn't where it needs to be. I've been ignoring God, except when I'm desperate, ever since my grandfather died." Her mind went to her last days with her grandfather who had died just over a year earlier.

     "What's brought this up all of a sudden?"

     "Today I tried to talk to Mr. Bellanti about God, and realized, who am I to talk about him, when I haven't even been spending time with God myself." A mix of emotions swirled inside Gia. The mention of her grandfather hit her hard, and she could almost hear the words he would say to her when she felt distant from God, "Have you been reading his word, the Bible? Those are his words to you; let him speak to you. Read his words even on days when you don't feel like it. Isaiah 55:10-11 says, 'For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.'" Tears began to slide down her face.

     Evie leaned over and wrapped her arms around her friend. "Don't be sad. God's rejoicing that you've realized it, and determined to mend your relationship with him."

     Gia started crying even harder, but then it turned into a soft laugh. "You're right. The crazy thing is, when I was talking to Mr. Bellanti, the thing that I was trying to tell him is that God can forgive anything, but I don't feel like he forgives me for ignoring him. Kind of ironic, huh?" She pulled back and looked at her friend. "I just... I don't know... ever since Grandpa died, I've pushed God away. I've felt so alone-"

     "You have me, and my family." Evie looked a bit hurt.

     "I know, but I don't have any of my family left. Not any that still claim me or that I would claim at least." She thought of her Aunt. "I just kind of felt like Grandpa was the last tether I had to normalcy. When he died, it left me feeling lost. I have no one I belong to, and no one that belongs to me. It just seemed to take too much energy to turn to God, and this past year I've gradually grown away from him too."

     "Maybe this is an important life-crisis. It will help you make your faith your own, instead of leaning on your grandfather like in the past or doing it just for him."

     Gia shrugged. "I'm also emotional, because Mr. Bellanti is acting like there was nothing between us. I was slow to admit it to myself, but we definitely have chemistry, there was a spark and something changed that Friday on the 'date, not date'." Gia elaborated on her conversations from earlier with Mr. Bellanti. "It's obvious now, that I'll have to push those feelings down and act like they don't exist, so we can work together. As hard as it may be, I refuse to ruin my chance at some real training, just because I'm all torn up over a guy." She shook her head. "Another irony in my life, isn't it. Me, the girl who can't commit, who's scared to get close to a guy, wanting something more from a man who can't commit."

     A sad smile formed on Evie's face. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to say to that, other than it seems to be a sign that there is hope for you to eventually have a normal relationship."

     Falling back on the sofa, Gia threw her hands over her face and groaned.

     "You should come to church with me Sunday," Evie offered.

     When Gia pulled her hands from her face, she examined Evie. "Yeah, you're right." She slowly nodded her head. "I think I'll do that." She pondered the fact that she had thought that she had finally found a kindred spirit in Mr. Bellanti. Someone she could move past her issues with. "Do you think... do you think maybe I've been trying to substitute people for God, to help me move beyond my traumatic past? My grandfather, Robert, and now Mr. Bellanti?"

     "Hmm. I never thought of it that way, but if that's the case, then it's good this thing didn't work out between you two. It will give you time to work on your relationship with God."

     "True. By the way, Evie, I'm sorry for leaving you to go to a new church on your own here. That really wasn't fair to you."

     Evie shook her head. "Don't beat yourself up over it. I know you've been battling things in your head, and as much as I thought it would be good for you, I wasn't going to pressure you. I have been praying for you a lot though, so this is a huge answer to prayer."

     "Thanks for being there for me when I wasn't quite carrying my load in this friendship. I don't know what I would do without you."

     "Same. You're the sister I never had, girlie. I love my little brother, but it's just not the same."