Always

Turmoil

Temari's POV

I just came from my doctor's appointment to confirm my pregnancy. I'm reeling with happiness, excitement and at the same time fear. Fear of what might happen next now that I learned about my pregnancy. A lot can happen with a baby along the way. A lot can change in a single snap.

I clutched my bag harder as I walk the path towards shikamaru's house. He is going to back in 3 days, so I still have 3 days to prepare myself. To practice on how to break the news to him. I was about to insert the house key when I heard a rustling from the other side of the door.

The only thought that came to my mind made me excited. he is home. Shikamaru is home.

I saw shikamaru leaning in the kitchen counter which made me broke in a huge smile befor frowning a bit as I see his troubled appearance"You are ho-" I was cut off from my sentence when I heard another voice which certainly does not belong to shikamaru.

"so how are you going to break the news to that temari girl" the unknown voice said which made me froze in my tracks.

I heard him sigh before I see him close his eyes and shikamaru's voice surface for the first time since he departed for singapore "I honestly don't know. I don't want to hurt her. She had done nothing wrong to deserve this"

"You know she bound to get hurt either way. and there's nothing she can do since our engagement will be announced to the public anytime soon."

Upon hearing that I felt my world literally stopped and felt my heart stopped beating. I don't know how to take the information in. My eyes stayed at shikamaru's figure not knowing what to do next. Its like my mind went blank and just stopped all at once.

"I didn't mean fo-" shikamaru start but once he opened his eyes once again, his hazel brown eyes met mine "tem.."

The person who shikamaru is having a conversation with a while ago revealed itself and she have a sympathetic look. Ķnowing that I hear the gist of their conversation.

"I'll should take my leave now" shiho said while gathering her stuff. Before she walk pass me she gave me one last sympathetic look and proceded to leave.

There was an eerie silence as I stood there rooted in place, looking at shikamaru directly in the eye but not knowing what to do or say. All of my emotions are scattered in this place. But most importantly I can hear my heart being broken to pieces again and again.

"Tem..I-" he broke the silence but I see through his eyes that he doesn't know where to start.

"so you and shiho are engaged now?" I asked without really realising that I voiced it out. I can't even recognise my own voice.

"I-" he start but he sighed once more and closed his eyes once more before opening them once again and look straight back at me before continuing "Yes"

Those three letter word broke my heart to pieces that I don't know how to pick them up. I'm giving everything that I can just so my tears will not escape the boundaries of my eyes.

"only weak people cry. So don't you dare cry in front me it disgust me" I heard my father's voice  inside my head

Was it all an act? everything that we had recently? was it to give me false hope of us? did you .."did you even love me even if its out of pity?"

I didn't know where I got the courage to ask him that. I don't even know why I keep asking questions with obvious answers. Anyone with eyes will know. All it takes is one glance at the look shikamaru have right now. Its a no. He didn't even have to voice it out.

I sigh and gathered all pieces of my heart before voicing out the question that will surely break me beyond repair.

"Do you still love her?"

For a moment shikamaru stilled before breaking the eye contact we shared for a good few minutes "yes..."

He answered almost making me not hear it but it still reached me. and once again I hear my heart shatter to pieces. I know. I knew, that it will always be shiho. I tried for 2 years to reach out to him. and maybe he just got tired of waiting and tried his best to move forward. To move forward even if the pawn will be me. I never had the chance of replacing her in the first place. When you love someone, you really can't just move forward with someone else. Just how I am with him.

I smiled at him "I'll just fix my things"

I went pass him and walked straight to "our" room. To the room that we shared the last few months. The room who witnessed how I express my love for him again and again. The room who witnessed even in short time I felt loved back by the one that I love.

As I slid the last of my belongings in my bag , I can't help but fell my tears roll down my cheeks. I struggled hard to contain them but its like they have their own mind and right now they want to run free. Free of pain. Free of heartache.

As I settled down I roamed my eyes once more in our room. When I was about to head downstairs I saw shikamaru awkwardly standing at the edge of the staircase. And once again and most probably the last we time, we looked at each other straight in the eyes.

"can I at least hug you?..." I asked softly, trying to hold all my emotions in check "....one last time."

When I saw him nod slowly, unsure of what to respond, I went to hug him tight and whisper the words I always wanted for him "Be happy okay? I always wanted for you to be happy. You waited for this for years and now you got her back and I know you'll be happy with her. You have done nothing wrong. you are destined for greater things and no one can keep you away from that. always keep that in your mind......."

I hug him tighter and closed my eyes. Trying to memorised the feeling of warmth while hugging him. Trying to memorised what its like to be with him.

".....I love you shikamaru"

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(A/N: Hello everyone. I don't even know if someone is still reading this, it has been a year without writing. It has been a year full of uncertainties and challenges that I thought I'll never overcome. So I just want to apologised if I went missing it really has been a roller coaster ride for me and thankfully I somewhat survive, its not the end yet but I'll continue moving forward and start all over again. So here is an update that hopefully you will enjoy. See you in the next chapters. Thank you for staying by my side. ♡)