The Heart is a Muscle

Chapter 11

John tells me all about choosing to leave London and relocating back up here, deciding to get a dog, and about how he wishes he had Jenny's tenacity, that despite her being his little sister he looks up to her. Jenny is having an animated conversation with Luke, laughing, over the top, at things being said and subtly touching his arm or leg. I notice Luke's mate is no longer in the pub and suspect his mate has had enough and gone back to their accommodation.

John asks me about Calum.

"Please don't tell me anything about him if you don't want to or you're not ready".

"No, it's ok. It's good to speak about him. He was funny, and kind but also an absolute shitebag" John raises his eyes "No, don't worry, I mean he was forever winding me up, giving me frights and generally being an arse. But he was hilarious too. We laughed so much." I tell John about how we met at Uni because we are in the same halls but were just friends for years, and how when we first moved over to the West Coast we didn't have much money, me on a teachers salary and him starting out in a big finance company at the bottom. I tell him there was all these things we put off doing until we had more money. We should have done them there and then I tell him.

"I agree, life is too short"

"Literally" I retort.

The pie and pint deal has finished and the pub is starting to empty. Despite it being the summer, it is a Tuesday so the locals tend to not stay till closing.

John suggests we join Luke and Jenny at their table and I stumble down from my seat, with John catching my elbow for support.

After some brief chat about Luke's cycling trip, another great song comes on.

"BARKEEP!!! Gareth, no, Greg....no...whatever your name is....turn this one up! I loooooveee this one. Calum and I saw them play at the Barrowlands years ago".

Gregor turns up the song as I arrive at the bar. I sway my hips to the music. I'm lost in the song, swinging and swaying around. The room is a blur from my spinning but also all the alcohol in my system. I've lost count of the drinks and I've not eaten in hours. Two strong arms guide me back to a seat.

"Evie, I think you need a little seat. Jenny has water here for you"

"No...I want another drink. Who wants shots?!? Gareth... do you want to join us in one? My treat."

Joan is now back in the bar and comes round to our table. "Evie, I'm going to call your folks to come and get you sweetie. I think you've had enough of partying tonight, don't you?". I close my eyes, trying to block her out, block them all out.

"It's ok Joan," a man says "I'll take her up the road". I feel myself being lifted up.

"No Gareth, I don't know you. You can't take me home. I'm married. I can't go anywhere with you. I'm sure you're lovely but you might be a murderer".

"No Evie, it's me, Johnny, I'm going to take you home." His voice is soothing and familiar. I nod.

As we step outside the fresh air instantly hits me.

"I need to be sick" I throw up around the corner. John rubs my back and holds my hair.  I slump down. Closing my eyes.

"You need some sugar in you. I'll be back in a minute." He returns with a bottle of Irn Bru and a pack of crisps.

"Come on you...let's get you over to the bench here". He pulls me up and we walk over the road to a bench which sits overlooking the harbour.

I sip my juice and, in all honesty, devour the crisps. After a minute or so, John turns to me, asking if I'm ok.

"Yes, I think so. I'm really sorry about that. I just found out today that Calum was planning on taking me to Paris for our anniversary. The tickets came through in the post. I didn't expect it. It was like a hit to the gut in all honesty. I don't think I'm managing to keep on top of my emotions."

"Why do you need to?" He questions me. "Why do you need to keep them in check? You've lost the most important person in your life. If you cant be emotional now when can you? I say you let it all out. Cry, shout, scream. Do whatever the fuck you need to do".

"I want to scream. I want to scream at him. I want to hit him. I want to go full-blown crazy at him".

"Right then Breezy, let's do this. Come on" he yanks me up and starts pulling me along the road.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see".

John guides me along the roads to the outskirts of town, along the coastal path to Ruby Bay. I'm still pretty drunk so don't quite realise where we're going until he turns to me.

"Tada" his arms wide open. "What better place to scream and shout and tell the world to fuck off."  He turns to me expecting me to do something. I don't do anything.

"Fine, I'll start" he takes a huge breath and screams out. His fists scrunch up and he uses his full lung capacity.

I laugh at him and his craziness.

"Try it" he grabs my hand "after three. One. Two. Three."

I look at him. Fuck it. I take a deep breath scream. It feels good.

"FUUUUUUCCCCCK" I shout after.

"FUCK YOU CALUM ROBERT MCLAREN. FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING ME. FOR LEAVING US." It feels good.

"FUCK THIS SHIT. FUCK IT ALL. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK".

John is looking at me encouragingly. I scream again. I scream and scream and scream until I have nothing left and my throat aches. I sit down in the sand and sob. John sits next to me and puts his arm around me. I sit and I cry and cry and cry.

****

Song recommendations

When Evie is talking about Calum: Real Love Song- Nothing but Thieves

The song Evie dances to: Help me lose my mind- Disclosure featuring London Grammar

On the way to Ruby Bay: The Last Man
on Earth- Wolf Alice

At Ruby Bay: About Today- The National