Falling

39

"Sometimes we aren't aware of the changes that others see," Dr. Brown explained. "You may feel that Vinny being gay didn't change anything, but to him it did."

Logan shrunk back in his seat like he was trying to hide himself away from the conversation being had. He wouldn't back me up on this, so I was alone in arguing that Dad had a less than favorable reaction to me coming out.

"I don't know what I did to make him think that," Dad said to Dr. Brown. "I thought I have been supportive."

"So supportive you told Carson to dump me to save himself?" I spat and Dad's eyes widened while Mom let out a gasp. "And no, Carson didn't tell me, I heard you in the house. That day after Carson and I had a fight and he came by the house."

"Dad, you didn't..." Logan trailed, looking at our father in disbelief. It surprised me that Carson hadn't told Logan.

"I wanted to protect both of you," Dad said, giving me a pleading look.

"Jeff, oh my God!" Mom exclaimed, her face contorting into an angry expression. "How dare you!"

I wanted to forget what I heard Dad saying to Carson that day, and the fact that it sounded like it wasn't the first time they had that conversation. I heard Carson come in, wanted to talk to him, but Dad had gotten to him first and I heard everything. I couldn't even be mad at Carson for keeping it from me. He didn't want to cause more problems and I didn't blame him for it.

"I don't want either of you ending up hurt," Dad continued, only speaking to me. "It's not about you being with a boy, it's that I don't think you should be in a relationship right now."

"That's not your decision to make!" I shouted, the tears leaking out as my hands tightly gripped the arms of my chair.

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and let out a heavy sigh.

"That's so fucked, Dad," he said. "Do you realize how fucked that is?"

"Is it so bad I wanted to make sure neither of them got hurt?" Dad asked and I let out a humorless laugh.

"You really don't get it," I said, shaking my head.

"Jeff, I think it's a normal reaction to want to keep your son out of a relationship to protect him," Dr. Brown started. "But that could also be detrimental for him, especially since Vinny doesn't have a solid support system right now."

Dad's face fell at that and Mom looked like she was about to cry, but Dr. Brown didn't say anything to console them or retract her statements. She would only say something if she completely meant it.

And she was right anyway. My support system was truly lacking and it did seem like at times that the only person who supported me unconditionally was Carson. That was why it was so hard for me to stay angry at him. He was all I really had and that wasn't a good thing. I didn't want to rely on him, I couldn't, which was part of what I talked to Dr. Brown about earlier.

I needed my family to be a support system for me because forcing all of that onto one person, my high school boyfriend at that, was unhealthy and toxic. Even though I didn't want to see it that way, Dr. Brown made sure I knew it.

"I think we can end it here today if no one has anything to add," Dr. Brown said. We all stayed silent. "I know this was a lot and you all have very heightened emotions right now, but I think it's a good thing to get these thoughts and emotions out for you all to see."

My parents thanked her and we walked out of her office.

"I'll see you next week, Vinny," Dr. Brown called out. "Remember to call me if you need anything."