Falling

39

"I shut them out," I came up with.

"Okay," Dr. Brown said before turning to Logan, "And you, Logan?"

He glanced up at the ceiling as if he was trying to pluck an answer out of thin air.

"I don't know..." he said. "I guess, I'm sorta not around a lot? And when I am, I have my friends or my girlfriend there, so I guess I sorta stopped being around and stopped making time for just family."

"Valerie?"

"I've been more... emotional," Mom started. "And I think that sometimes makes things worse."

"Jeff?"

Dad was silent for a moment. I knew there was a lot he could say too. Because the majority of the problems within this family weren't about Mom or Logan, they were about him and I.

"Like I said, Vinny and I butt heads," he began. "I think a large part of that is because I have become more protective and that has caused me to be hard on him."

At least he could admit that.

"This sort of self reflection is important in realizing how you affect situations so you can hold yourself accountable," Dr. Brown told us with a light smile. "It's easy to realize the outside factors that change a situation or cause you to act a certain way, it's harder to realize the internal ones."

She continued, "Hyper-focusing on the external factors can lead to resentment among the family. It can lead to someone being isolated, the odd one out."

That one being me.

"Let's think about a time before this shift in your family," Dr. Brown said. "What was it like before these changes?"

"I'd like to think we used to spend more time together," Jeff easily answered. "We used to be so tight-knit, but the boys got older and weren't around as much, then things happened and made things different."

Again, I couldn't hold back a snort, causing all eyes to go to me. It was like he still wasn't getting it. Dr. Brown could talk about self reflection all she wanted and Dad still wouldn't have self awareness.

"Do you have something to add, Vinny?" Dr. Brown asked.

"I just think it's funny we're skirting around the subject," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. I knew family therapy would be like this.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that he can't even say what 'things' happened," I told her, looking directly at my father. "I came out, that's what happened, and he has treated me differently ever since."

Dad's expression morphed into one of surprise and offense.

"Vinny, that's not true," Dad immediately responded.

"Yes, it is," I said through gritted teeth. "That may not be the only thing, but that's what started it. You haven't looked at me the same since then."

I felt the burning of unshed tears in my eyes and I was doing my best to keep them from falling. Me coming out was the start of the rift between us, his reaction to it at least. He looked at me differently and it made me wish he just wouldn't look at me at all.

Logan looked at me differently for a while too, but I credited that more to him walking in on me having sex with my best friend than to me being gay. Mom never looked at me with anything other than love in her eyes. It was just Dad that had changed.

"Vinny, you being gay does not change how I feel about you," Dad continued, his tone loud and serious as he leaned forward in his seat. And I believed that he thought that, that he had convinced himself that he didn't care about my sexuality, but he didn't see the change in his eyes when he looked at me.