SPIRITUAL FAN-FICTION Contest

Kainatazhar

Wattpad Username:

kayaestic

Book name:

Journey to Hidayah

Write-up:

The letter that Zameer had written to Zoya:

To my beautiful and strong Zoya,

I pray that this letter finds you in the best of health and may you find enough courage in yourself to read this. This letter contains everything that I wish I could have told you in person but could never find enough courage to do so, and now, when I am on my death bed and can sense that the angel of death is near, I feel it is time to tell you everything that you deserved to know all along. I need to give you the closure that I should have given you long back. I’ll be long gone by the time this letter reaches you, hence I’m going to not burden you with the details of my health and whereabouts. 

It’s been years since I ran away from you and from all the guilt that came in a baggage whenever I looked at the hollowness of your eyes that was indirectly or directly caused by me. I never really appreciated you enough, Zoya, and now - when it’s too late to rectify things - not a single day goes by without me not wanting to turn back the clock and pull you into my arms and tell you that I love you whenever I could. Looking at you was always difficult for me. Earlier it was because you looked oh so much like your beautiful, beautiful mother whom I could no longer hold in my arms and later because it was so hard to look at the pain that had sought refuge in your eyes replacing the light that was once there. Whenever I looked at you, I saw my inadequacy looking back right in the eyes at me. 

You were never at fault, my child. Not when I chose to ignore your existence like you weren’t there. Not when I turned a blind eye to your sufferings. It was never you. It was me. I still wonder how terrible of a father I have been that I failed to notice how light was slowly seeping out of your eyes when you were in matrimony with Farhan. How did I buy the lies that you were forced to feed me and never detected the façade of a happy life that you had put up? How did I not see you suffering, dying?  How did I fail to notice all the marks of suffering and violence on your body? All these questions don’t come alone. They bring along waves of guilt and anguish with them for me to drown and wallow in. When you parted ways from Farhan, I fled away not because I was embarrassed of what you did or was disappointed in you, no! never! I left you behind and disappeared because it was then I realized that how I had failed you and your mother as your father. Earlier I could not save your mother and then I could not protect you like I had promised your mother that I would. I decided to turn my back at you and ran away from you when I should have run towards you instead. I should have supported you and should have been there for you, but I decided to do the exact opposite and God knows how sorry I am for that. I ran away because I could not look at you in the eyes or hear your call me Baba without being reminded of my inadequacy.  I had realized that I had been anything but a father to you. It was and it still is difficult for me to look at my reflection in the mirror and not feel ashamed of the kind of father that I had been to you in all those years. It is hard to not loath myself for not being able to keep the promise that I had made to your mother of loving you. Your union with Farhan was a test from Allah, not just for you, but for me too, and Zoya, mere bache, you passed it and became the beautiful and strong woman that you are today and this father of yours failed. How I wish I could go back in time and not get you married to Farhan, but I cannot, can I? Hence, I am going to carry the burden of this guilt to my grave. 

I saw you and Haroun on television – thanks to the little to no privacy that Paparazzi gives you - and I’m so happy for you, my child. I have seen the way he looks at you Zoya and the way you look at him and I could not be more grateful to the almighty for finally blessing you with the love you always deserved, der se hi sahi. You both are perfect for each-other, and I pray – as unanswerable as my prayers could be – that you both stay happy and content with your life always and forever. You always deserved a man like him and not like a man like me – your father, and neither a man like Farhan. I’m so happy and grateful to Allah that you have Haroun now. He’s good for you, Zoya. I hope that he gives you everything that I could not and knowing that you finally have someone in your corner who is deserving enough of you and is ready to have your back has made my guilt subside a bit and has made death easier ever so slightly. I can now die a little more peacefully knowing that you have your person now, meri jaan.