How Do We Live?

Chapter 25: Cancer

"A-Annica?"

"He flew back to the US, Monique." parang may kung anong humapas sa akin ng sabihin iyon ni Annica. Hindi ko napigilan ang mapapatitig sa galit niyang mata na diretsong nakatingin sa akin. Her straight face looked at me with such disappointment and pain in her eyes. Aryanna started sniffing kaya naman mas lalo kong nakumpirma na hindi nagbibiro si Annica.

"H-He flew b-back?" the crack in my voice makes me cry because of the sudden pain inside me. I can feel my airways compressing, ang hirap sa paghinga ang mas lalong nagpadaloy sa luha ko. I felt like drowning because of the sudden devastating feeling inside of me. He was gone? He left me? Here? Like this?

"That fucking jerk." narinig kong bulong ni Annica sa hangin bago punasan ang luhang tumulo sa mga mata niya. Puno ng galit ang mga mata niya at halatang kinikimkim sa sarili ang pighating nadarama.

"Is he o-okay? A-Ayos lang ba s-siya?" My tears heated my eyes and held my throat tight. I want to scream in pain both physically and emotionally. May parte sa aking gustong magalit pero nanaig ang pag-aalala ko sa kanya. Why? Why did he leave me like this?

"For fuck's sake, Monique! That fucking guy left you even when he's not sure whether you'll live or die! I will fucking kill him!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang luha ng makitang umiiyak na si Nica sa galit. Aryanna held her and tried to calm her down pero mas lalo lang yatang lumakas ang hagulgol niya. Aryanna cried with her at parehas silang napaupo sa couch. Annica's cries screams pain and agony, na mas lalong nagpalakas sa iyak ko.

Both my mother and father display the disappoinment and pain in their exhausted faces. Ang iling ni Aryanna sa akin ang mas lalong nagpalubog ng puso ko. Hindi maipaliwanag ng puso ko ang nararamdaman. I feel so numb just by looking at them, crying my eyes out. Hindi ko alam kung anong unang iisipin, si Rahim ba na umalis ng bansa, si Vico o ang sarili ko.

"S-Si V-Vico? H-He's not dead. r-right?" Mas lalong lumakas ang hagulgol ni Annica ng marinig ang pangalan ni Vico. My mother hold my father as if her life depends on it. Ang mahinang iyak ni Aryanna at ang buntong hininga ng aking ama. Doon na tuluyang umalpas ang basag kong boses sa isang hagulgol. Why does my life shattered like this in a short amount of time?

I didn't get an answer. I didn't get a yes... but deep inside I knew that it's true. Deep inside of me, I know and saw with my own two eyes how lifeless he is as he lay on the cold ground. I can still hear the cries of his mom in the back of my head. Hindi ko lang magawang paniwalaan! Hindi ko kayang tanggapin.

One moment, Vico was smiling shyly at me! The next thing I know he is dead! How can He be this cruel to me in this lifetime?!

I let out a loud sob followed by a painful one. My throat feels like burning, my brain feels like exploding. Everything becomes hypersensistive. The light hurts my eyes, the tears that flows burns my skin, my cries hurt my being. Randam na ramdam ko ang paninikip ng dibdib habang naalala ang huling sandali na kasama ko si Vico. The motor ride, the small smiles, the way he divert his gaze away from me and even his proud face.

Now... now he's dead... why does it have to be like this?

Why didn't I just die instead of him?!

I held my lips together, trying to get the proper breathe of air, pero parang mas lalo akong nahihirapang huminga. The sudden flashes of Vico's faces inside my head is mentally killing me. The thought of Rahim running away and leaving like a bubble, exhaust the energy out of my body! Kanino ako kakapit sa panahong ganito?! Pagod na pagod na ako!

"Aryanna! Call the doctor! Please!" I felt like gasping for air. Something is blocking my breathing. I can hear them panic right in front of me pero wala akong magawa. My whole existence is hurting inside and out. I can feel the deadly pain in my abdomen, the piercing knife in my chest, the thought of Rahim leaving and the death of Vico.