Elizabella 'Ella' Adams had the perfect life on paper: caring family, stable job and a serious relationship. But sometimes moments come along in life which make you question whether what's on paper is enough for the heart. Sometimes people can come...
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Following my less than composed state at Theo's house, he insisted that he drive me home. By that point I gave in to his offers, not feeling like taking my splotchy face into a taxi with a stranger once the waterworks had officially been opened. Maybe I was overreacting or maybe I wasn't, but it just felt like I was a dam and my walls had just crumbled down so that now I was sending a tsunami of emotion out of every emotional crevice of me.
It was a silent drive, my craving for the sound of absolutely nothing having reached its peak, complete with repeated looks in my direction from Theo to check on my state as he weaved through the city roads. Once we got to my apartment he walked me to my door and I probably should have offered him a drink or something at that point, because of etiquette and all, but he'd already spent all that time consoling me that morning.
I honestly just needed some time alone. Just me. No reassurances or comforting words. Just silence to allow myself to make sense of the rumbling of thoughts that were brewing in my mind.
So I thanked him and he promised to check up on me soon before he left me to the arms of Jess, who was at first curious but then quickly transitioned to her role as the concerned best friend and caretaker. She had been waiting for my return to interrogate me over my night and what had happened with Theo, only to receive a miserable and confused me with the events of last night quickly fading away from my thoughts. I was willing to forgo my silence for Jess' presence though because she was one of those people that you could just sit with and feel more at comfort.
In the days to come I would get some clarification from my Dad and Lexi about the whole situation. For some reason, though, I don't find the courage in myself to call Baba. Maybe I'm just a coward, but I also know deep down that I need to have that conversation in person. There is nothing like having a conversation in person to enhance a discussion, with numerous tells available when someone is standing before you to reveal more than words possibly can alone. Right now, I need all the signs I can get from her because I can't handle having any more things kept from me.
Perhaps this is all sounding rather self-centred from me but I had been raised to have rather open-communication between my grandmother and I, especially regarding our health after my mother's own battles.
Nevertheless, I go back and forth about whether to change my mind and just call her, because I also don't want her to think I'm ignoring her after finding out this life altering bit of information about her. Decisiveness has never been my strong point.
To distract me from these constant mental battles and all of my concerns, I bury myself in work in the week to come, arriving as early and leaving as late as I can. It's not exactly a healthy mental-health strategy or a good coping mechanism but it's gotten me this far in life so I persist with it. Conveniently, Monique happens to find the time to work on my article with me so the days fly by at an increasingly accelerated rate.
This time she discovers is really only after the working hours that I actually get paid for, when the halls of the office are completely barren. However, it means that I might be filling a last minute space in one of the magazine's issues that comes out in the next week so it's worth it; a welcome matter to celebrate when it might feel like there isn't so much else to inspire joy for me. With everything that is going on it feels as though the anxiety in mind is a malevolent creature, thriving within me at the moment from all these sources of energy.
