BJ Tharn [On-Going]

chapter 22

Chapter 22

"Aphrodite, Tell me. If love is meant to heal, why does it destroy who choose it?"

Gulf did not sleep a wink. His mind and heart could not rest, for it is broken. Only five hours before he's going to meet his Por, but he still hasn't finished packing. He doesn't have an idea of where they'd go, but he doesn't care anymore. For him, "at least I'm leaving Bangkok, or Thailand even."

Moving his body away from the bed seems like a win, and he can't help but look at himself in the mirror. Puffy eyes, red nose, and cheeks with trails of dry tears. To further emotionally hurt himself, he turned on his speakers and blasted Olivia Rodrigo's album on repeat. Everything on that soundtrack hits closely at home, and he just wanted to be numb.

Brown guilty eyes and little white lies

Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew

'Did Mew lie all throughout?' Gulf thought, denial still coursing through his body. 'It's impossible. Because if all of that was a lie, then maybe I had the wrong definition of love.'

That you'd talk to her, maybe did even worse

I kept quiet so I could keep you

'When did the affair even start. Maybe Mew already fucked other women while we're still together. Does that mean that his brothers also played me?' Gulf bit his lip, piercing it as drops of blood stained his floor. He felt like he was a deer played by wolves, and at this moment, he just wished that the wolves would kill him rather than feel the excruciating pain.

And ain't it funny

How you ran to her

The second that we called it quits?

Gulf knew that he's an intelligent person. But when it comes to Mew, all logic and rationality turned into blindness and irrationality.

"Am I really naive?"

And ain't it funny

How you said you were friends?

Now it sure as hell don't look like it

And then it was emptiness. No sound, no tears, no thoughts. Just pure blankness. Only a void of nothingness, and Gulf was not prepared to face this kind of feeling. At this point, he wanted it all to be a dream. A dream he'd wake up to, and when he wakes, Mew will be there holding him like he's the most precious person in the world. Just for this moment he wanted to be treated special. Right now, he doesn't want to think that he was never a precious person to Mew.

"This is why you are not supposed to make someone your world. When they leave, they take your home with them."

You betrayed me

And I know that you'll never feel sorry

For the way I hurt, yeah

You'd talk to her

When we were together

Loved you at your worst

But that didn't matter

"Mew must be laughing at me for believing everything. Of course, he's a rich man and a sex streamer. Why would he need me? He can have anyone he wants, so given that fact, why would he choose me? I can't believe it. It was obvious from the start that I'm not enough. I can't satisfy a man haha. What did I even do wrong to deserve this pain? Is this the punishment for being gay?"