Road to Arcadia: the Path East

Chapter Forty-two: Confessions

Doc,

It's time for me to come clean.

Not that I've been lying or avoiding the truth, but there are other things I've been avoiding.

People I've been avoiding.

You.

I didn't want to and I don't think I meant to, but the moment we stepped foot in the Arc I was met with this overwhelming sense of guilt. I couldn't shake the weight that came with knowing I was in a better place when there were still people I cared about who weren't.

You deserve to be in Arcadia. Meredith deserves to be in Arcadia. We all sure as hell know Dani earned her right to be there--but what did I do? I was just some punk with a Jeep who showed up at the right time to the right place. I was looking for something I couldn't identify until it was written down on a folded sheet of paper. Where was the fight? Where was the struggle that thread together so many other stories in that city?

I like to think I'm smart, I like to think I'm scrappy enough to handle myself out in the worst of it, but I know that's not the case with everybody. There are people in my life who I would give up all the luxury of a stable life for because I know I can handle being on the other side of that windshield. I know I would want them to take my place if that's what it came to.

My family.

My nephew. My sister. My mother.

I feel guilty even bringing it up, because I know just having them has put me in standing with a lucky few. Especially when I know you can't say the same.

I'm sorry.

I could go on living this improved life, but no matter what, I couldn't shake the thought that they deserved better than where I left them. My nephew deserves to be raised in a place like Arcadia, as all new life on this planet does. My sister has always deserved a better hand than she was dealt. And I felt it was my responsibility to bring it to them.

I know I was dodgy and avoidant. I know I said I wasn't and you saw through that because no matter how many layers I paint over my words you see through them like they're glass.

I just--I don't know. I felt like I couldn't be happy here. I felt like I couldn't be a part of your new family until I had done everything I could to save mine. It didn't matter that we had spent all that time together. It didn't matter that we exchanged 'I love yous' as formidable gestures. I couldn't exist with you until I had reconnected the severed parts of myself.

And now I'm driving back to Arcadia empty handed, because my vision of tomorrow and their vision of tomorrow are painted with different brushstrokes. Portraits of green I have spent so long recreating are dulled brown when observed by the colorblind eye.

And now I can finally say without reservation--I miss you. I miss spending time with you and Meredith and Dani and everyone we have come to share acquaintance with.

I don't know where this leaves things. I don't want this part of the story to be over. I want to change the ending so that everything I want happens, even though I know no matter how many floating cities may sprout from the ground like dandelions, there will never be a day where all our dreams are achieved to completion.

There is only one thing left to do now. There's only one task I have the energy to complete before I collapse under the weight of it all. There's only one thing I want.

I'm coming home.

I'm coming home to you.