Warnings:
Contains mentions of self harm
Depression
Angst
If you are not comfortable with any of these, please do not read. I will not take responsibility. Thank you.
Day 1,
Dear Diary,
Soo, I'm new here. From today on I'm gonna write my feelings here. So let me introduce myself. My name is Amaris, Amy for short. I'm sixteen. My birthdate is August 1.
Lately I've been feeling grey as all. Feels like nothing can light up my world. I-I wear a mask of happiness and carelessness but it's like people say 'Looks can be deceptive'. My mask is crumbling and I don't know what to do. I have pent up anger and bottled up emotions inside me. Every single moment I feel like I'm going to explode but I don't. The person who truly understands me is my mother. But even she is drifting away. I came out as Bisexual to complete strangers today. No one in my family knows and I'm not planning to tell them anytime soon cause they are homophobic.
I started cutting. I know this isn't good for me but meh....who cares about a useless brat like me? Somehow this pain keeps me connected to this cruel and harsh reality. I really want to live up to my family's expectations but I just–can't. I don't know why. I want to die but at the same time I don't want to. Not because I'm scared, no, but because I wonder what would happen if I were dead. It hurts. It hurts so much. But I won't tell anyone. I don't want anyone's sympathy. People ask me," Are you okay? I'm really concerned about you." to which I just say," Yea, I'm okay. Don't worry about me." But ain't that what we all say?
It hurts to know that the person you would take a bullet for, is actually the one behind the gun. The only highlights in my whatsoever life is reading. I don't know what I would do without reading. That's all for now.
Sincerely,
Amaris
