Panacea [A Fruits Basket Fanfiction]

Chapter 11 - Ambivalence

Ambivalence /amˈbivələns/ (n.) - the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone

From since I can remember, I was by Akito's side. I would spend all day, every day inside as Akito's playmate. I was still young back then and didn't question anything. Akito had tantrums, but they were different from the current ones. That's right, I think I recall Akito crying, too. I often caught sight of Shigure comforting Akito, or Yumi-neesan, who I didn't know at the time. I didn't know what was so sad or frustrating. Then, it started suddenly.

One day, Akito became twisted. Then, I finally realized that I had never talked to any of the other zodiac members. I was always with Akito, and I'd never even spoken to the person they called my older brother. I had never met Kyo, either.

Everyday... I heard the same negative language every single day. Akito burned those pitch-black words into me. I eventually started to believe them. That nobody cared about me, that I was worthless. An insignificant human. Because even when I reached out wishing to be saved... I became afraid to be seen by those apathetic and hateful eyes.

Nobody would come for me. Especially since my parents were completely satisfied with the situation. Of the Sohmas, my parents were 'winners'. But it was then, that a light reached me.

I was in elementary school by then. Akito had just left and gone to sleep, leaving me in the pitch black room by myself. In the corner, I had curled up on the floor with my hands covering my ears and my eyes shut. Today, the words had been more severe, the poisonous mutters that seeped out from Akito's mouth felt more blistering.

"If it wasn't for me, you would be useless."

"Everyone hates you, Yuki."

"No one wants you."

"Even your own family wants nothing to do with you."

These kinds of words circled inside my mind, forming a dangerous whirlwind of self depreciation almost constantly. Was this going to be my life? Nothing but stabbing words and isolation from everyone else in the world--

"Yuki."

This... wasn't Akito's voice. Although muffled, it was feminine, soft, and warm. It didn't feel like his name was acid in her mouth when it rolled off her tongue. She called for him with a gentle kindness, a foreign concept to Yuki.

He uncovered his ears and opened his eyes, but he did not get up from his position. With his senses unblocked, his dark gray eyes trailed up to see a beautiful teenage girl with flowing blond locks and warm hazel eyes, kneeling beside his figure and staring at him with sympathy.

"Yuki."

She called for him again. He could listen to her say his name over and over again, her voice so sweet, it felt like honey was dripping from it. His name wasn't said with cold apathy or furious hatred, it was said like he was worth something to be happy about, to be cherished.

He reached out a hand one more time, for help, for some form of help to save him. Her larger hand met his smaller one halfway, holding it tightly. It took him a few moments to process, but when he finally realized that he was not being rejected, something bloomed in his heart. His foggy eyes cleared and then they started to glisten with tears.

Wait-- why was she leaning closer? Was she about to hug him? She can't! She'll be disgusted and go away, just like everyone else. He wanted to get away, but his body struggled to move. The desperation and fear shone in his dark gray eyes, but that did not discourage her from stopping.

In a swift movement, she brought him into her lap, cradling his tiny body against hers in a motherly embrace. The side of his head was pressed to her chest and he could hear her rhythmic heartbeat. Her arms held him close and a hand went to caress his hair. Why wasn't he feeling the familiar sensation of transforming into a rat? She was definitely not one of the zodiac members and she was also clearly a female. Suddenly, he remembered why she looked so familiar. She was the person Akito would go to for comfort.