How To Save A Life - Grey's Anatomy

The less I know, the better

''Derek. What's wrong?'' She put her hands on her hips and stood looking down on me.

''It's Meredith.'' I brought my hands to my face and covered my eyes and forehead.

''What?''

''It's Meredith. She's in the OR.''

''Well she is a surgeon... Derek I'm not seeing anything wrong with this situation.'' She crossed her arms and propped one of her legs.

''She's on the table in the OR. She has a tumour. I was supposed to biopsy it but I can't. I just can't do it. I can't cut into her brain, I just can't do it. That's why you're here. I need you to do it.''

''Oh my god. Of course I will do it but Derek, why did you want to do it yourself in the first place?''

''I just wanted it to be perfect. No mistakes. I can't have her die. If she dies, I die. I'll drown and there will be no one to save me.'' Tears flew down my face but I covered my face with my hands. 

''I will do my absolute best. I promise. Go to Lexie and Mark, they'll need you and you'll need them. I'll be done in an hour and then we'll know what to do.''

''Okay. The scans are in there. Page me if anything happens, anything at all.'' I wiped my tears away and Amy put her hand out to help me up. I grabbed it and rose to my feet. I pulled my heavy feet along the floor to the attendings lounge. 

I sat in the attendings lounge in a daze. All time had stopped, everything was blurry and all sound was distorted. I sat on the uncomfortable chair and just stared. My eyes wouldn't focus on anything because of the built up tears in my eyelids, they tears I refused to let fall in front of anyone who might be in the lounge. I felt a slight tapping on my shoulder and heard muffled words. I couldn't comprehend any of it. 

My head jolted sideways and a tingling sensation arose on my right cheek. I opened my eyes and everything was clearer.

''Derek!'' Mark crouched down in front of me. Mark had slapped me. Usually I would have slapped or punched him back but I didn't have the physical or emotional energy to move. I moved my red, puffy eyes to his and just stared for a second, fighting the urge to zone out back into a daze. I wiped my eyes ridding the tears from my eyelids and focused my attention back to Mark. 

''Derek. Meredith is out of-'' Mark told me but before he could finish, I jumped out of the chair and ran to her room. ''Surgery.'' Mark finished his sentence once I was already down the hall. I had sat in that daze for over an hour without realising it. Mark and Lexie both stood up and began to follow me to her room. When I arrived, Amelia was in there updating her chart. She held the clipboard in front of her, resting it on her knee that was propped up an a chair. I burst through the door and froze. She closed the chart and put it down on the chair before she walked over to me. 

She opened her arms and pulled me in tightly, so tight I was almost suffocating. I knew what she was doing, Meredith sometimes made me do it to her. She was holding me so tight to stop the uncontrollable shaking of my body, to slow the heavy, fast breaths I was taking, to lower my heart rate. I embraced the hug and tears stained her scrub top. I stared at Meredith over her shoulder the whole time, wishing I could run over there and wake her up. 

''Wha- What is it? Is it cancer?'' I pulled away from the hug and looked my sister in the eyes. She stared back at me, tears welled in her eyes as she hadn't seen me this upset since our father died.

''No. No it's not. It's benign, Derek! It's benign!'' She pulled out the sheet of paper proving it and handed it to me. I exhaled the breath I had been unconsciously holding and tears welled in my eyes. I brought Amy back into a hug and squeezed her tightly.