Listen to the Words

New York City, 2019

The street was narrow, and the sun barely dappled through the trees. He was in the driver's seat of a rented car, and his son sat beside him. They were parked on Hudson, at his apartment in the Village. And for the first time in twenty years, he was talking about what happened to Tiffany.

"Somehow... she reached for the railing at the same time that I reached out to try to grab her, and I think I knocked her arm away or something. If I hadn't reached for her, she might have been able to hold on. I don't know."

"But she fell?"

"Yeah," he said. "She fell."

"So, what happened? Did the police ever come to your house?"

"No, they never did. I don't think so.... God, I don't remember."

"Did you ever tell your mom about it?"

"I guess. I guess I did eventually, but...."

They didn't talk for a minute, and then Jason said, "The rest of that year, and that summer, I just totally blocked out. I don't remember anything.

"Then I went away to college, and I never saw anyone from high school again. It was just all gone.

"And for a long time, I couldn't stand to use my arms. I couldn't hold onto anything. I couldn't drive a car. I was just so afraid of...."

You know Liz Scott? That girl you met at Lauren's party? She said she needs to talk to you.

"And then when you were born... I guess I was just terrified to be around a baby. I thought if I held you, you know... I'd accidentally knock your arms away when you were trying to hang on. I'd drop you... I'd drop you and you'd die."

Outside the windows, a bike messenger pedaled down the street, and a flock of pigeons fluttered away.

"If I hadn't bullied her in the first place, everything would have been different. And if I hadn't been afraid to ask him to move his car, if I hadn't waited till the middle of the night... we wouldn't have been there, we would have gone somewhere else. We would have just spent the day at the mall or something. It seemed like such a big thing at the time, but now it's like nothing. It was nowhere near as bad as what happened."

Jason's phone rang. He picked it up and looked at it, and put it back on the dashboard.

"I remember in college, sitting with your mom in the student lounge, with a calculator and papers all over the table, working out what you would need. And I told her I couldn't do it. I couldn't be someone's father. Not in any kind of emotional way. Maybe I made the wrong decision. I don't know.... Do you think I made the wrong decision?"

"About what?" Murphy asked.

"About you. Being in your life."

"Well...."

"Sometimes I'd watch Sesame Street. And wonder if you were watching it at the same time. I'd go to the park just to listen to the kids play. Every time I'd see someone your age with dark hair, I'd wonder if it might be you."

"It probably never was."

"No, probably not."

Murphy thought for a minute. "I guess it would have been nice just to have met you," he said. "And just known who you are. Instead of just constantly wondering."

"Yeah.... I could have done it all differently."

Murphy took off his seat belt, and opened his door. "Well, you can't go back in time."

"No," Jason said. "I guess you can't."

They left the car, and crossed the sidewalk. Jason unlocked the door, and they went up to his apartment.