Dear Twin Sister (On-Hold) - (For Editing)

III

The house was quiet. Though it contained a father, a mother and their daughter. Each of us wide awake and sitting together, no one spoke a word.

I knew my eyes were bloodshot red because i'd caught a glimpse of them in the mirror of the bathroom this morning. My hands repeatedly fiddled with each other and I found myself sniffling every once in a while. 

It had been four days since I had discovered her body. I would be the worlds biggest liar, if I claimed to have had at most 2 hours of sleep since then.

Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw things. Images that my brain had created. Images that sent shivers down my spine and kept me from ever tasting the sweetness of sleep.

Guilt was another factor in my sleepless nights. I couldn't shake away the fact that I had been oblivious to my sisters distress. 

I was guilty of neglecting my other half, to the point where I hadn't noticed a thing wrong with her. Or maybe, I never cared.

Now, thinking back to all those days. I remembered the sadness that had made a home in my sister's eyes.

I remembered the nights Kylie had cried and I had ignored her, assuming it was for one petty reason or the other.

I found myself clenching my fist and bringing it down hard onto the side of my head. I banged my head once and then twice and then more times than I could count.

It hurt and my head was ditzy. It was nice. The pain was nice. I didn't have to think about anything else but the pain that spread through my head.

My hands were seized on both sides all of a sudden and I knew instantly that my parents had taken notice of my acts of madness.

Then the silent house became a screaming house in an instant.

The pain was fading and my thoughts were returning. I could see the picture of her lifeless body on the ground again and I didn't like it. I couldn't stand it.

I wiggled and pulled but they wouldn't let go. The voice of guilt in my head began to whisper to.

You killed her
"I killed her!"

You don't deserve to live
"I don't deserve to live!"

Die! Die! Die!
"I want to die! I want to die! I want to die!"

I repeated right after the voice like a call and response, like a song. We were in such perfect sync that we would receive a standing ovation if performed.

Sobs racked my chest and my words became slurry and incoherent.

My struggling took me off the chair I had been occupying and to the ground on my knees.

Kylie didn't deserve to die. She didn't deserve to end her life at 17. If only I had paid more attention to her then this would never had happened.

"I'm sorry Ky"

"I'm sorry Ky."

"I'm sorry-"

"Stop it, you didn't do anything!" My mother yelled at me in pain and frustration. But I didn't mind her and continued my mumbling.

I couldn't apologize then, the least I could do was apologize now.

So, I begged for her forgiveness until i lost the fight in me, bending over forward. My sight was blurred over with tears and I was free from my parents hold.

I slowly wrapped my hands around myself and began to rock back and forth. Mumbling apologies till the very end. Hoping that Ky would hear me from wherever she was and try to forgive me. Forgive me for not being there for her.