𝐓𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲

𝑭𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒚

Don't judge me hoes I'm still kinda scared plus I miss my baby.

"I missed you so much baby." I picked him up and rocked him.

"You wanna come back home tonight?" I put him down asking him.

"No. We stay." He looked at me with a Lil smirk. How the fuck is my two year old shady? He must got some shady ass parents.

"You messy." I laughed

"Literally." Jahlil walked back in with paint all over his shirt. I couldn't help but laugh one thing about my baby is that he gone tear some shit up.

"And you think it's funny?" He mugged me.

"Yup" Jameir bad ass said before I could.

"PERIODT baby." I laughed harder.

"Akikiki my ass." Jahlil mad ass said.

"See un un baby this is why we going home Yo daddy mean."

"You are home." He mumbled but I heard him.

Nigga home ain't been with you in two years and you fucked that up stupid bitch.

"Damn that's how you feel?" He looked at me with pain, anger and lust in his eyes.

"I said that out loud?" I looked down.

"Yea."

"I shouldn't even be talking to you... you ain't want me meaning you ain't really want none of this. Meir go get your shoes baby so we can go home." I stood up fixing myself.

"Bro you gone hold that against me forever? I was upset I ain't mean it."

"But you said it. Regardless of how hurt I am ion say shit I don't mean and nigga you said that with yo chest you meant every bit of it." I got I. His face.

I really do hate this bitch I ain't forget about the shit he said, the shit he did. But I try and put it aside for the sake of my kids but I swear if given the chance I Wanna beat his ass so bad.

"Amelie Dior Wallace. I'm a fucked up individual I say fucked up shit, I do fucked up shit but I never be meaning to hurt you, I battle with that shit everyday . This co-parenting shit ain't what I want. I want me, my kids and the mother of my kids to wake up and go to sleep in the the same house every fucking day."

He sounds so sincere but every time I let my guard down I'm the one that's left to pick up the pierces of a heart I didn't break.

"It's sounds good Jahlil. I'll give you that you may not have ever knew how to tell the fuckin truth but you damn sure could tell a good story. But I'm not mad at you for that. It's my fault for being giddy every time you open yo fucking mouth and engaging in your stories really believing them and wondering what the fuck happens next but we all know what happens next... poor little Amelie let's her guard down for the asshole she thought was her Knight in shining armor but no! He breaks her heart. Leaves her to pick up the pieces, leaves her to try and figure out what's the next move because they have a fucking two year old and one on the way and she's fucking scared because the one person outside of her parents that she wants to protect her, who she felt would never let anything happen to her is the one who lets her down the fucking most." I didn't realize that I was crying.

This was a conversation that was well over due. I Been letting this nigga slide with everything that he does and he doesn't feel any of the pain behind it.

I hate him. But I love him. I'm twenty years old so can you really blame me? I've been playing big girl with this Nigga for him to I don't know , like me? Love me? Want me? And don't get me wrong I Love my kids but I haven't got shit from this toxic ass situation but a bullet wound, two babies, my ass beat, confusion and most of all a broken heart.

I don't know who I am without him anymore and that's what scares me the most.

I don't have nightmares about being shot in Jamaica, or literally getting my ass beat. Not even nightmares about being a bad mother.

What terrifies me the most is living a life  without my punkass baby daddy.

The love of my life.

The person who was once giving me the thrill, the excitement, the motivation and the strength to live.

I'm weak.

I know that. I'm everything but nothing with out this dysfunctional nigga.

And that's what I hate the most.