'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

Boys don't cry

I walk towards his bed as quietly as possible and observe. I'm well aware standing over someone's bed and watching them sleep is... unsettling to say the least, but I need to make sure he's alright, always.

Remus' brows furrow a bit and he lets out a low pitched whine.

I started noticing his nightmares in third year and since then, i've been the one to help ease him back to sleep when he wakes up. He hasn't had them often now that Cordelia has started coming around, a fact that breaks me if I think about it too hard.

"No," Remus whispers in a dejected voice.

I squat next to the bed so I can be at face level with him. "Shh, Moony, s'okay."

The troubled expression on his marvelous face doesn't falter. "Has to run," He murmurs.

"It's just a bad dream, my love." I reach my hand out and place it on his warm cheek.

Silently loving someone is the worst punishment that I could ever inflict upon myself. I waste away broken and damned while I watch him learn to love someone else. It's too late to take back everything I've said and done. I convinced myself for years Remus would put up with me forever, always taking him for granted, and I've finally pushed him too far.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

A tear rolls down my cheek. I pull away from Remus. Wipe it. Let out a sigh. "I want to love you better." I croak quietly. "And eventually, when our time is right, I will."

The things I would do to hear him tell me he loves me again.

"I hurt her," Remus breathes out shakily as something peeking out from under his bed catches my attention. Cordelia's homework paper to be exact, done completely in his handwriting. Along with the paper I pull out a white button up, woman's size medium.

I rise to my feet. Place a lingering kiss onto his cheek. Pull the blankets up over his shoulders. "Please stop Remus, It's just a nightmare."

Don't linger where you aren't wanted, Sirius.

My mother taught me well. But as I look down at Remus in such a fragile state, I wonder if this is where I'm needed.

So I stay.

☽☽☽

I let out a huff of air in boredom, why must this woman always be late?

I walk to the opposite side of the discarded, neglected classroom and look out the window at the black lake. More specifically what lies beyond the lake. The moon shines over the rigid forbidden forrest that stretches for miles and miles. A death-like mist creeps out through the trees enveloping them in a thick fog.

Something in my stomach churns as i'm swept with an ominous feeling of déjà vu.

I think about it often, the night Fenrir attacked Cordelia. How there are holes in the story no one else seems to be concerned with. I can't decide if I should leave this untouched. See, I have this horrible, terrible thought that's been growing in the back of my head and it's getting bigger.

What if this thought is only in my mind and far from the truth? For everyone's sake I hope that's the case. I hope that this thought is just another form of me being selfish and bitter. I hope that this thought is some demented type of wishful thinking. A way to ruin things for others but fix things for me.