for every question why

after party

They weren't allowed to go back to the hotel until the stadium was emptied so the group of sweaty, tired boys sat in their green room again, waiting for the show to end. Calum hid in the connected bathroom that still smelled like Luke's puke. He knew Ashton wanted to talk about everything that happened that day, but Calum wasn't sure he could take it at that moment.

The adrenaline from the show was wearing off until all Calum was left with was the shaky anxiety he had been feeling for weeks. He wanted to call Mali and tell her about their first show, just to see if she would be proud, but he didn't have the energy.

Once they finished, the One Direction boys offered to take them out to a club to celebrate performing at their first stadium but they all declined.

"You guys should go," Calum tried to convince them. Luke and Michael looked between each other for a moment before shaking their heads and climbing into the van.

"We're all tired, Cal," Ashton said, sliding in behind Calum, "aren't you?"

Calum sighed, "Yeah." His head rested on Ashton's shoulder as they drove back to the hotel. "Love you," he murmured.

Ashton pressed a kiss into Calum's sweaty curls. "Love you too." The soft sounds of the tires against the road and the gentle rocking of the van eventually lulled Calum to sleep.

"Hey," Ashton whispered and shook his shoulder a bit. Calum peeled his eyes open and groaned. "We're here."

Calum whined and raised his arms. "Tired."

Ashton chuckled, "I can't pick you up." Calum whined again. "Look, Michael's waiting for you out there, maybe he'll hold you." Ashton moved over to start waking Luke up as well.

"Michael!" Calum whined as he shimmied out of the van. Michael lifted his head up from his phone and smiled softly. "Take me in?" Calum said quietly, using his best puppy dog eyes. They weren't as good as Luke's but it seemed to do the trick as Michael pocketed his phone and turned around. Calum smiled as he hopped onto his friends' back.

"You're too light, Cal," Michael said as he gripped Calum's thighs, hiking him up. There was no response, only Calum pressing his nose into the back of Michael's neck.

What was he supposed to say?

All four boys made it safely to their rooms. Michael gently tossed Calum onto his bed before pressing a kiss to his forehead and leaving the room.

After a few minutes, the door to Calum's room opened and Ashton slid through the crack of light. "Hey," he whispered. Shedding his shirt and sweats, Ashton climbed under the covers with Calum. "How's your hand?"

"Hey, it's fine," Calum mumbled, pressing his cheek against Ashton's warm chest. They were both silent as Ashton ran his fingers through Calum's curls. The younger boy could tell that they weren't going to just fall asleep. He could practically hear the cogs spinning in Ashton's head.

"We should probably talk about today." Calum could feel the rumbling under Ashton's skin.

"Yeah," Calum sighed.

"Do you want to start or should I?"

Calum shrugged. Ashton's hand still lightly scratched his head. "I'm sorry about being mean earlier."

"You were scared, I get it," Ashton said, but Calum shook his head.

"I shouldn't have taken it out on you," Calum said softly. "I was just really frustrated and confused and nothing was coming out the way I wanted it to." One of Calum's hands rested on the other side of his chest, tracing small shapes and letters into the skin. Ashton nodded.