for every question why

london

That left Calum quietly packing his things into bags, not enough at once to make his parents suspicious, but enough that his room looked different. He never outwardly told Mali, but he knew she wasn't blind. It was obvious to anyone paying attention to what was going on and as she stood in his doorway, Calum knew she was aware.

"I'm sorry, you know," Calum whispered, "for everything."

Mali didn't move from her spot, but her arms crossed across her chest. "What time do you guys leave?"

"First thing," he muttered softly, afraid that if he said the words any louder they would form chains to tie him to his bed frame. Mali nodded solemnly, her lips pressed into a thin line. For a moment, Calum thought she was mad at him, the same way his parents were.

"Well, can't I get a hug before my little brother makes it big?" she chuckled. Relief swirled through Calum's brain, but he could see the pain behind her eyes. Still, he moved around his packed suitcase and hugged her, bending down to put his head on her shoulder. She smelled like home and comfort, and Calum guessed that she was the closest he'd ever get.

"I'm gay," he said. There was a moment of silence before Calum broke it. "I just thought you should know before..." Calum trailed off but they both knew what he meant. Mali exhaled deeply. The house creaked, the only indicator that they weren't alone through the atmosphere that was surrounding the siblings.

"Why does this feel like the last goodbye?" Mali asked, pulling back from the hug but not letting Calum out of her arms yet. Calum was comforted that he wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Isn't it?" he choked out, nodding his head to his closed door. Mali didn't say anything, just pulled Calum in tight once more before she walked out of the room. He hoped it wasn't the end, that he was wrong or that Mali could at least recognize why he did what he did.

When Calum's alarm went off at 5 AM and Mali was sat at the kitchen table with two travel coffee mugs and her car keys, Calum knew all he needed to.

Meeting up at Luke's, the boys gathered all their things into the car and kissed their families goodbye while Calum just watched. Mali ruffled his hair and told him that she would take care of their parents. Calum cried as he hugged her.

"Cal, you ready?"

Ashton held his hand out to Calum, and if Calum had to rank all his most definitive life-changing moments this one would take the cake every time. He grabbed Ashton's hand and squeezed it tight. He didn't let go until their plane landed.

London was scary. Overwhelming. Terrifying. Between dodging his parent's calls, writing music with some of his heroes, and worrying about where they were going to get their next meal from, Calum had just about enough on his plate.

The night was wet and cold, the way it always seemed to be here. Calum knew leaving the flat without a coat was a bad idea, but he was only clearing his head. He wasn't supposed to be outside long enough to worry anybody, especially Ashton. But it was like Ashton had a superpower to know when Calum needed him.

He brought a coat out and asked if Calum was alright.

"Not really, but hey? Living the dream, right?" Calum chuckled. As usual, Ashton didn't give in to Calum's morbid humor.

"I'm sorry," Ashton whispered. Calum furrowed his brows. "About your parents and stuff."

"Not your fault." Calum shrugged. Ashton huffed out a frustrated breath.

"Still," he paused, rubbing the bottom of his shoe against the pavement, "feel like you're sacrificing a whole lot more than any of us. I mean Liz is here, you know?"

"Yeah, they just don't get it right now. Maybe they'll come around but they think I'm ruining my life," Calum said, shrugging with false nonchalance.

"What do you think? Finally figure out what you want?" Ashton asked, taking a step closer. Calum could feel the heat from Ashton's body on his shoulder.

"I want this, I know that," Calum said, shyly peeking at Ashton. "And I think that this is my best shot and I'm right for taking it."

Ashton smiled. "Trust me, I get that."

Calum didn't say anything as the older boy pushed his way under his arm. Ashton's arm ended up wrapped around Calum's waist. Each breath pushed them closer to each other and Calum could feel shivers running up his spine when Ashton's hair tickled his neck.

"We'll be fine," Calum whispered. Ashton smiled shyly and rested his head on Calum's shoulder.

Calum knew what the feeling in his chest meant. He had accepted it long ago. Sometimes he wished he hadn't. If he'd never seen the eggshells he walked on, the cracking under his feet would still mean nothing.