for every question why

rain

Calum's phone was ringing but he had just woken up and slowly shuffled his way to the kitchen. He hadn't even spared a glance at the caller before he answered.

"Hello?" he mumbled, letting out a quiet yawn.

"Calum?" his mother asked. If the blood running through Calum's veins could freeze it would have. He stayed silent until she spoke again, his heart beating so loud he was afraid it would wake Ashton who was still sound asleep in Calum's bed. "Calum," she repeated.

"Yeah," he forced the word out, wincing at the taste it left in his mouth. His stomach hurt with the effort.

"Yeah?" she asked incredulously and Calum could almost see the expression on her face. "That's it? Yeah," she mocked.

"What do you want me to say?" he sighed, cheeks burning red.

"How about an apology to start! What the hell were you thinking, Calum?"

"I thought-" he started, tears stinging in his eyes. He swallowed them down, pushing every emotion out of his head until it was empty. He felt empty.

"No! You obviously didn't think! How long can you go on making bad decisions before you really ruin your life? I'd reckon not much longer, Calum. I mean, London? Really?"

"Mom-"

"No, I don't want to hear it. It took a month to get a hold of you. A month, Calum. You'd almost think I didn't raise you," she yelled. For a moment, there was silence, but Calum could hear the blood rushing in his ears. "Your father and I are done. We are done digging you out of your own holes-"

"What does that mean?" Silence. "Mom?" Calum insisted.

"When this adventure of yours fails, don't come crying to us." The call ended abruptly. The phone stayed glued to Calum's ear for a minute too long, his body rigid and still. He didn't cry. In fact, he didn't let himself feel any emotion.

He didn't talk about it, either. The boys, even Liz, would ask about the phone call that had left him like this and Calum would brush them off. They would ask about the bags under his eyes and the food left on his plate after meals and even the alarming number of beer cans overflowing the recycling bin, but Calum denied everything. Calum could tell that Ashton didn't believe him.

Maybe it could have been easier to deal with if he just told someone, anyone, about what happened, but shutting down felt so much easier. Calum probably wouldn't have said anything if Ashton hadn't asked him. But of course, Ashton asked.

"What's going on with you, Cal?"

Calum could feel the concern rolling off the older boy, each wave slowly breaking down his walls like they were made of sand. He could only look down at the ground, the cigarette between his fingers dropping ash onto the sidewalk outside their apartment building.

"You know," he trailed off, hoping Ashton would take the hint that he didn't want to talk. Either Ashton missed it or ignored it.

"No, I don't, that's kinda the problem," Ashton deadpanned. Calum took a long drag of his cigarette, feeling the smoke burn his lungs before he blew it out in the opposite direction of Ashton.

"What are we?" Calum asked, shocking himself almost as much as Ashton, who sputtered for a few moments before answering.

"What?"

"Am I your boyfriend?" Calum swallowed the sob that wanted to escape him. "Or are we just fucking around?" he asked shyly, avoiding all eye contact. A hand reached out and rested on his jaw, gently moving Calum's face until the two boys' eyes met.

"I want it all, Cal. Everything you'll give me." The night air surrounding them felt thick and deep, like Calum could drown in this moment. "You gotta tell me what's eating you up like this, baby. It hurts to watch you fold in on yourself."

Calum nodded as Ashton's thumb rubbed his cheekbone tenderly. When Calum leaned into the touch, a tear escaped his eye. He felt the urge to shut down and retreat back into his mind, but he actively ignored it. If Ashton wanted everything, that would be exactly what he got.

"My parents basically disowned me. Mom called to tell me I'm not welcome back home," Calum whispered, dropping his nearly finished cigarette to the concrete and snuffing it out with the sole of his shoe.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Ashton asked softly, removing his hand from Calum's face and rubbing his hands up and down his arms. Calum took a deep, shuddering breath before responding.

"I don't know." Calum shifted anxiously from foot to foot. "Talking about it makes it feel too real."

Ashton only hummed, not wanting to break Calum's train of thought.

"I'm never gonna step foot in that house again. Never gonna catch fireflies in the yard again, or lay around in Mali's room just to annoy her," Calum sniffled.

"Don't say that. Maybe they'll come around."

"Even if they do, I'm done trying to please them. I never will," Calum said, lifting his head to meet Ashton's eyes with a steely expression. "Why won't they just love me? Why is it always a fight?" Tears rimmed both of their eyes.

"I don't know, Cal. That's their problem, not yours. It's got nothing to do with you," Ashton said firmly. The words felt like lies, but Ashton had never been one to be dishonest, even if it meant making someone feel better.

"I guess."

"Did you talk to Mali yet? Where is she at?" Ashton asked, hoping to change the topic to one that could cheer Calum up. The younger boy's face only crumbled back into anguish as he shook his head. "Maybe you should?"

Calum let out a hurt sound and pushed himself into Ashton's hold, rubbing his face into the crook of his neck. Ashton gave up on trying to get him to talk.

Ashton's arms were warm and safe but for a moment Calum wished it was Mali being the one that he was wiping his tears on, just like he had when they were kids. He cried harder at the thought and Ashton rubbed his hands up and down Calum's back.

"It's alright," Ashton said quietly. "You'll always have me."

Luke was upset that Calum didn't tell him about his parents, which is the exact reason Calum never said anything to him in the first place. Michael clapped a hand to his shoulder and said "Parents suck sometimes," with a knowing smile.

Calum nearly cried again.

Calling Ashton his boyfriend for the first time almost stopped Calum's heart. It was real, not just in his dreams or something he fantasized about. Maybe that was why it hurt so much when Ashton didn't understand why he wouldn't just call Mali. Or maybe it was because Calum realized that his boyfriend couldn't read his mind.