DELICATE ★ JENLISA

Chapter 32

~Lisa~

The month before Jen's eighteenth birthday was one of the longest of my life.

I hated thinking it, but having to tread lightly around her at all times was difficult and tiring. I knew it was terrible of me to compare the difficult time that Jen was having to my experience simply caring for her, but it was the truth. Her state varied from extremely hostile to scarily quiet to bitter and sarcastic, and it was really hard to keep up with.

Every once and a while though, the Jen that I had seen before she was sent back into her group home resurfaced and made me smile, and that was hard to overlook. I meant every word that I had said to her. I wanted to be with her, both physically and in a relationship sense, and I didn't have a problem with waiting until she was ready. I knew it would probably crush me if it got to a point where she'd never be ready for both of those things, but that was something that I forced myself not to worry about.

I couldn't do anything the week before Jen's birthday except think about the fact that she was turning eighteen and finally aging out of that damned house that seemed to be driving her insane. Even after Bianca aged out, she was clearly still having a lot of trouble mentally and I wasn't sure why. I had to assume that it had something to do with Chahee, the girl she'd mentioned twice now, but she clearly didn't want to tell me what had happened so I was more or less left in the dark.

When Saturday finally came, I woke up, went to the gym and then slugged around my apartment until I could head to Jen's group home. She had given me a specific time to show up, a time that apparently all the girls were usually occupied during so that we didn't have to worry much about someone seeing me and getting skeptical. Almost as soon as I pulled up, Jen was throwing her bags in my backseat and hopping into the front, sighing heavily.

"I'm out. I'm really out."

"Just clarifying, this is good, right?"

She sunk into the seat, shifting her focus towards me as I drove off. "This is more than just good. That house holds so many bad memories, one in particular that I relive every time I walk in the front door, and to simply not have to do that anymore is honestly one of the best feelings in the world."

"What's that feeling like?"

She shrugged. "I feel liberated almost... free, like.. like I had chains on my ankles holding me back but I don't anymore."

I made a left towards my apartment. "Well that's got to feel pretty amazing."

"You have absolutely no idea."

It seemed like she wasn't up for talking much, which I was okay with because it allowed me to steal glances at her while she was looking out the window. Her complete demeanor had shifted from just the day before. Yesterday her shoulders were slumped, there was a permanent frown on her face, her eyes were dull and she lacked emotion in all aspects, but today, things were different. There was a joyful sort of light in her eyes today and she didn't seem so empty.

She seemed, as she had put it, liberated.

When I pulled up to my apartment, she grabbed her bags and headed straight for my bedroom. She let herself fall back into the pillows and she closed her eyes, mumbling, "God I missed this bed."

I sat down on the edge, smiling. "I missed you in it."

She opened her eyes, holding herself up with her elbows. She brought her hands to my face and pulled me into her, falling back and kissing me with a passion that she had seemed to lack for the past couple of months. "I missed you."

I pulled back slightly. "You see me every day."

"That's not the same. I always have to be conscious of where I am and what I'm doing with you and I constantly worry about getting you in trouble when we're together in school."

"You don't need to do that."

"Yeah I kind of do."

I shook my head. "No, let me worry about us. It's my job. I don't want you to worry about anything until you have to, okay?"

"When don't I have to? Even if you take Charles and Lia out of the equation, I still have to worry about passing my classes... keeping my job.. god I have to start thinking about saving enough money for a car and my own place—"

I interrupted her. "What if..." I trailed off, my throat closing up. I had almost assumed that she would just stay with me when she aged out. Was that stupid of me? It made the most sense and we'd already been living together since September.

But was it different now that we were a thing?

"What if what?"

"Well... what if you didn't need to?"

She shook her head, clearly not quite understanding what I was getting at. I spoke, "I mean... why do you need to waste money on your own place when my apartment is always open to you?"

"Um..." She bit her lip, her forehead wrinkling. "Because I've never had a place that I can call mine. Ever. I would kind of like to have that now that I can."

"Okay..." I trailed off, nodding slowly. "That makes a lot of sense... I just want you to know that.. you don't have to worry. When you get enough money, you can get your own place but... just know that you'll always have somewhere to go if you need it."

"I know. And I love living with you. I just think that it would be good for me to experience being on my own for a little while."

"Then I want you to do that as soon as you're ready. I think it would be good for you too."

She tested the waters with a small smile. It had certainly been a while. "You are.. the best."

I blushed. "Stop. All I did was agree with you."

"I know but I feel like most people in your position would be upset by me saying that I want to live alone for a little while." She shook her head. "You don't seem to be..."

"I just want the best for you, and whatever you think that is, then that's what I think should happen."

She smiled. "See? You are literally perfect."

I didn't know if she was trying to be romantic but I was on overload after two months of her being in such a dark place. Going from that to this so quickly was very, very strange. "I am far from it, but I'm glad you think so." I paused. "You can do whatever you want as long as you promise me one thing."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Hm?"

"Let me worry about my job."

"How about neither of us worry about it and we pretend that we're normal for a little while?" she suggested.

"We could try to do that," I answered, smirking and teasing her. "How was your day, honey?"

She raised her eyebrows, desperately trying to conceal the smirk on her face until she couldn't help but let her laugh out. "Oh, my god," she continued laughing for a few moments until she spoke, "That was a nice try, but honey doesn't sound right coming out of your mouth and definitely not when it's directed at me."

"Well I tried," I answered, smiling a bit. It felt so good to hear her laugh again after so long. I whispered, "You're back..."

She knew exactly why I had said what I said, but she asked anyway. "Physically or mentally?"

"Both.. but I meant mentally... you're you again. Who knew all it took was moving out of that damn place.."

She pointed to herself. "Um, I did. Why do you think I didn't make a statement sooner? I knew what I'd go through if I went back to that group home, I just couldn't deal with Charles anymore."

I searched her eyes, brushing a piece of her hair from her forehead as she looked up at me. "Well for what it's worth, I'm glad you made your statement when you did. I hate seeing what that group home can do to you, but I hate seeing Charles hurt you even more."

"It's a good thing I don't need to deal with either of them anymore then."

I could tell she was trying to block out the trial looming over our heads, so I didn't mention it either. "Good thing," I murmured. "What do you want to do today?"

"I get to do this magical thing called go to work," she teased. "That's where I like to pretend that I've got a normal life."

"A normal life can get pretty boring, you know."

"Sure it can," she answered quickly, "but when you've never had one of those, the idea is pretty alluring. Think about it. What's so boring about having a family that I can fight with on a daily basis or, I don't know, having a girlfriend that I can actually go on a date with every once and a while? That I could take to the movies or go on a picnic with without having to worry about her going to jail—"

"You could've said anything right there and you chose to be sad that we can't go on a picnic?"

She narrowed her eyes. "It was just an example."

I smirked. "I know. Well, fighting with family members isn't exactly something enjoyable that you should be wishing upon yourself," I told her, "And sometimes having a girlfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be either."

"It's not the fighting I'm wishing upon myself, it's having people that I can fight with if I want to," she sighed, her lips curving upwards. "But it's all good, I can just fight with you."

"Oh that sounds like a great plan."

"So what's wrong with having a girlfriend?"

"Nothing's wrong with it, I'm just saying. Dates aren't all that enjoyable."

Her brow creased. "Oh? I went on a makeshift one with Cara a little while ago and I had a lot of fun."

"Are you trying to make me jealous?"

"Yeah," she said sarcastically, "Is it working?"

"No," I muttered, steering the conversation away from Cara. "Dates make me nervous."

She immediately smirked, tilting her head. "Aw that's really cute. I don't think I've ever seen you nervous before. You see? This is why I wish we'd had a first date because I would've gotten to see that."

I eyed her, chewing on my bottom lip as I tended to do when I was trying to figure something out. I was too busy thinking to say anything but she shot out from under me before I could, glancing at my phone beside her head. "Shit, I have to get ready for work."

"Want me to drive you?"

"Actually I'd kind of like to walk, it helps me clear my head. I'll be back at seven tonight." She sighed, "Max is cutting my hours."

I frowned. "Why?"

She shrugged, sliding off the bed. "I don't know. I think the store's struggling a little."

"Well, at least you still have your job."

"Yeah I guess so," she responded, running a hand through her hair. "I'm going to get in the shower."

I nodded and she started towards the bathroom, stopping when she heard my voice. "Hey Jen?"

She looked back at me. "Yeah?"

I smiled. "Happy Birthday."

****

It was hard not to think about her while she was gone.

Today was Jen's eighteenth birthday, a day that I personally believed was special, and I thought she deserved something more than just having an escape from a bad home. There were a number of things that I should've been able to do for her but couldn't. I knew she'd never been to a concert and she'd never been bowling, or to an amusement park or carnival, all things I knew I could fix if it wasn't for the fact that I was still her teacher.

I couldn't even take her out to eat. I wanted to give her that first date that she seemed to believe we had missed out on, but I didn't think I could. What was I to do? She deserved something, and I was determined to make her night special.

When she made it back a little after seven, she saw me leaning against the couch with two dishes beside me, both full of food. I was sitting on top of the green carpet I usually had in my bedroom and there was a basket next to me to add to the effect. She quirked an eyebrow, "What's all this?"

I offered her a sheepish smile. "It's your picnic."

She let her bag fall to the floor as she walked towards me, her smile growing bigger by the second. Eventually she chuckled a bit and I rolled my eyes. "Yeah yeah, laugh it up, I know it's pretty stupid. Listen, I know I can't bring you out for your birthday or anything, but I really wanted to do something nice for you."

Jen sat down next to me, leaning against the couch and folding her legs. She spoke, "It's not dumb. It's very thoughtful."

"Uh huh," I mumbled, "Sorry I couldn't do more for you.

She narrowed her eyes, shaking her head placing her hand on my thigh. "You're kidding, right? This is more than anything anyone's ever done for my birthday, that I can remember anyway. Thank you."

"Of course, Jen. You deserve at least one stress-free, worry-free night."

She smiled, glancing at my smart tv to see that I had brought up a picture of a moon. She laughed, turning to me. "This is the corniest thing I've ever been a part of and I love all of it. You might just be my favorite person in this world, you know that?"

I was caught off guard by her comment and I couldn't stop myself from blushing. I wasn't sure if she knew the effect she had over me. "That's putting me on a pretty high pedestal."

She smiled, catching my gaze. "You deserve it."

I looked down, picking up my glass and bringing it to my lips to cover up my face. She glanced at the food in front of her and then faced me. "So then if you think about it, this is kind of like our first date."

I smiled. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

"Do you think we could maybe treat it like a first date? You tell me about you... the silly stuff, I tell you a little about me... you know, none of Charles or.. Lia..."

"That sounds perfect."

She picked up her plate and forked the food into her mouth. "You're a pretty decent cook, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Well you're certainly not modest about it, are you?"

"What? It's a skill of mine that I like to pride myself on."

"And you should," she nodded. "So, first dates... I guess I should get to know you, right?" Jen smiled. "You have any siblings?

I smiled back. "Yep, a brother and a sister. I'm not a big fan of either one of them but let me just tell you my sister's daughter is the biggest ball of energy you'll ever meet."

She smirked. "I'd love to meet her sometime."

"I think we can arrange that."

She stretched her legs out and met my eyes, asking with genuine curiosity, "So what else do people usually talk about on first dates?"

I chuckled quietly at her innocence. "The basic personal stuff, likes and dislikes, etcetera."

"Well that's boring. Tell me about your friends."

I looked at her. "My friends?"

She nodded. "Yeah, you know, in high school, in college, before you started distancing yourself from them. What were they like?"

"Well...." I trailed off. "I had probably too many back in high school. I was close with everyone on all three of my sports teams, if that gives you any idea. My closest friends were George, Nicki and Cassie."

"All I get is their names?"

"Let's see, George was an overtly gay guy, absolutely hilarious... extremely forward and blunt but he could be super sweet when he wanted to be. Nicki and Cassie were very straight girls that I did pretty much everything that didn't have to do with sports with. They were pretty cool too."

"Did they know you're bi?"

"Yeah, they did. It didn't bother them, I don't think." I laughed. "I could still talk to them about cute guys so it didn't really make much of a difference in our relationship."

"Oh I know all too well what that's like."

I eyed her and quirked an eyebrow. She elaborated. "The talking to my friends about cute guys thing."

I laughed. "You do, do you?"

"Oh yeah, we do it all the time. You should see some of the guys that walk around in my school."

"Cute, are they?"

"Super cute," she smirked. "So what about college friends?"

"Uh, well, I never really lost touch with George but I did make a lot of new friends. I met my best friend Tara in college. I distanced myself from her too for a while but she kind of refused to leave my life, which I kind of have to love her for."

She pulled her eyebrows together. "I know this is a first date and everything but how come I haven't heard of or seen this Tara before now?"

"She's been... out of town, let's say, for the last year or so. She visits periodically, just not recently. It gets busy in Africa."

"Africa?"

I nodded. "She's a nurse. She volunteers at a pretty cool program over there to help out all the injured kids that aren't really treated for properly."

"That's like..." She shook her head. "Really amazing. She sounds like a pretty cool person."

"She is, super down to earth and sweet. The rest of the friends I made in college were... kind of the opposite. They were the kind that liked to party." I tried not to blush. "Let's just say I had a bit of fun in college."

"Well, education is overrated anyway." She paused. "Shit you're not a teacher or anything like that are you? I don't mean to offend you."

I smiled. "For the sake of tonight, let's say I'm a pretty skilled DNA analyst. I help catch the bad guys."

"Hey that's cool, I'm a criminal sketch artist."

I chuckled. "Small world."

We continued to talk as we ate, our conversation light and free-spirited like a first date should be. I was genuinely enjoying myself. I had forgotten how much I loved talking to her, so soon after I had realized that I did in fact love talking to her. She was able to make me laugh easily, especially tonight. Both of us had forced our worries out the window for a couple of hours and we quite literally took on different roles.

Jen smirked, pushing her plate away. "Alright well I had a good time and everything but I have to get home to my husband and four kids, they're expecting me back any minute now."

"Husband?" I questioned. "That would've been nice to know."

"Oh wait," she paused, grinning. "I'm a raging homosexual, you're the one that likes men."

I shrugged. "Eh, they're okay."

She smiled, "Anyway, I had a good time. See you again?"

"Hey at least let me walk you home."

She met my eyes and stood up, walking backwards towards my bedroom. I trailed after her, stopping right before the door. "Well," she spoke, "This is me."

"It's funny, I woulda swore I lived here."

"Nope I'm pretty sure this is my place now."

I smiled, placing my hands on her arms and letting them trail downwards until my hands were resting on her lower back. "I had fun tonight."

"I did too."

"Would you want to do this again sometime? Say, like a second date?"

Her lips twitched upwards. "I'd really like that."

I was practically grinning at that point. I leaned down, letting my hand graze over her hip as I kissed her. It was slow and sensual and it made my desire for her skyrocket, but I tried to keep control over myself.

I pulled back, smirking. "And, scene."

She laughed wholeheartedly and whispered, "I think we'd be good at role playing." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Got any fantasies I don't know about?"

I chuckled, ducking my head. "That my dear is something not generally discussed on a first date."

"So? Why do we have to play by everyone else's rules? Now I'm curious." She smirked. "Besides, we're already moving a little faster than the typical lesbian couple. Most don't move in together until the second date."

I laughed. "Well I think if there's anything we're not, it's a typical lesbian couple."

"It's cause you're not a lesbian, isn't it?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's why."

"Shame on you!" she teased. "Why do you have to be bi?"

"God now you sound like Liam."

"Wow let's not compare me to him please," she responded. "Don't get me wrong, your brother seems like a totally great person and everything but I'd much rather be compared to like, Megan Fox."

"He's really not that bad," I said, only to find myself a little annoyed that I was defending him. I spoke again, "You really think you're comparable to Megan Fox?"

She put her hand on her hip, quirking an eyebrow. "Why not? I don't know about you but I think I'm pretty hot."

I felt my smile growing wider. "I think so too." The mood was set and she was looking at me like she wanted me to, so I leaned down and kissed her, making sure to keep it slow. The last hour alone was enough to make me forget about the tension that had been built between us throughout the last couple of months. This is who Jen was. She was amazing and she made my heart throb with something I had never felt before, not even with Peter. I knew what that something was but I could almost feel her hesitation and I didn't want to scare her away.

I really wasn't sure if I could handle losing her.

We kissed for a couple of minutes, it getting pretty heated towards the end. I had to remind myself not to do anything that seemed forceful, like even lightly press her against the wall. I figured it would be better for her to take control, but she never really did that. I pulled back for air, looking down into her eyes. "How are you?"

"I'm... fine.." She shook her head. "I'm more than fine."

I was in a difficult spot. I wanted to believe her but I could sense so much hesitation in moving forward and I wasn't going to push her. I wanted her to want this and I needed her to be ready. I spoke, "Do you.. want to keep going?"

She bit her lip, frustration filling her expression. "Of course I do.."

I whispered in response, "But are you ready to?"

She sighed, shaking her head. "I... I don't know.."

I nodded, trying not to let my disappointment show. It was impossible for me not to be disappointed, but I knew she worried about not being able to please me and I didn't want to make that worry worse. She didn't need to worry. Of course I wanted her, but if all I could do was kiss her, I'd still be pretty damn content. "Then let's not."

She frowned, "But..."

"There's no rush, okay? I just need you to know that you're ready for this," I gestured between the two of us, "before we keep going."

She looked down. "I don't even know what's wrong anymore... You make me feel safe, Lisa, and I do want this so, so bad... I just..."

I brought my hands to her arms. "You just are trying to force yourself to do something that I still don't think you're mentally prepared for. It's okay, Jen, I'll still be here for whenever that changes. Trust that."

"Why are you so perfect..." she sighed. I knew the look on her face and I could tell she was embarrassed again when she didn't need to be.

"Just for you," I murmured. "Come sit with me."

She reluctantly allowed me to bring her over to the couch. We sat down together and I nudged her shoulder. "Listen I forgot to mention, I don't put out until the fifth date anyway so there's nothing to worry about."

My comment prompted her to smile a bit as she pulled her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "Is that right? I suppose me and Jackson are your exceptions then?"

"How do you know Jackson and I haven't been on five dates together?"

"Lucky guess?" She chuckled, "Something tells me that fifth date rule is a load of crap."

"What are you trying to say about me?"

"Nothing!" she exclaimed, smirking. Then she raised an eyebrow. "How many people have there been?"

"Pardon?"

She bit her cheek. "Like... I know you've had four... significant others, but how many people have you been with?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, shifting my focus away from her. She spoke, "Wow, that bad?"

I shook my head. "No, it's not that many, I don't think... I'm just... not proud of the last six I guess."

She quirked an eyebrow and I confirmed. "Ten."

"Damn."

"Hey come on! That's not even that many."

She laughed. "I know, I'm kidding. It's not like it matters to me anyway, I don't care what your number is, I was just curious."

I rolled my eyes. "What about you, hm? I know you have your way with women in bars, what's your number?"

She answered quickly. "You were my fifth, I think."

"You think?"

She shrugged. "Well for one of em I was too drunk to remember what happened but I'm pretty sure waking up naked in the flat above a bar means something, so yeah, five."

I nodded. I wasn't ashamed of having more than a couple of one night stands, or more than that in Jackson's case, but if I had been her second, or her first for that matter, I might have felt a little uncomfortable with myself. She spoke, "So how many men?"

"Oh come on," I practically scoffed, "how is that important?"

"It's not, I'm just curious."

I sighed. "Six."

She smirked. "What could you possibly find enjoyable about sex with a man?"

I laughed. "Don't knock it till' you've tried it."

She scrunched up her nose. "No thanks, I'll pass. So, tell me, are guys better than girls?"

"That's not even a fair question."

"How is it not fair?"

"Because they're completely different," I responded, "I can't compare them right next to each other."

"So then try to explain the difference to me."

I sighed. "Sex with a woman is soft and passionate, even when the sex is rough, if that makes any sense. I mean, women are sexier in general. There isn't as much foreplay with a man and it's different because I kind of have to be at least a little bit submissive, whereas I can be in complete control with a woman if I want to be."

She nodded. "Then let me ask you this, who was the best time you've ever had?"

I bit my tongue to refrain from answering immediately. "I.. don't think I want to answer that."

She laughed knowingly. "I'm not going to get mad if it wasn't me. I just want to know."

I shook my head. "Nope, This is definitely a trap."

"It's not a trap! Come on Lisa, just tell me."

I sighed. "Fine. It was with my ex, Peter. "

"I cannot believe it wasn't me."

I narrowed my eyes and let my mouth drop open but she laughed. "I'm kidding." She paused. "So then men."

"No, see, it's not like that. I mean," I chuckled, "our first time was a train wreck. The second time, however, was phenomenal, but it still doesn't mean that I prefer men over women."

She glanced at me curiously and I continued. "The best sex I've ever had may have been with a man, but I'd much rather make love to a woman."

"How would you know though? The only person you've ever loved was a man."

I shifted my focus, staring at her. I felt my heart beating rapidly as I shook my head slowly, "That's... not true."

Her eyebrows pulled together. "What do you mean? You told me that you loved the guy who broke up with you, but you broke up with the other three."

"I did say that... but that was four months ago." I paused, swallowing. I could hardly hear my next words because my heart was beating so loudly. "That was before I fell in love with you."

Her eyes snapped to mine and she seemed quick to try to answer, but nothing came out. I could tell she was surprised and had no idea how to respond, and even though I was again a little disappointed, I helped her out. "It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I know you're not there. I just thought you should know."

After a while of silence, she asked, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"I'm an ass," she responded matter-of-factly. "How the hell could you possibly be in love with me?"

I looked at her. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Jen. You may see yourself as the person that Charles makes you, but I see you as you. You're beautiful and you're selfless and when you care about something, you really care about it. Like Ark. You put yourself in danger just to make sure she was safe, and even though I hate that you did that, I also love that part of you."

I smirked. "And you're a pretty good kisser, so that helps. Would you like me to keep going?"

She seemed shy all of the sudden. "No that's okay, you can keep going next time I need some cheering up."

"Does that mean you don't need any more cheering up tonight?"

She shook her head, smiling. "No... I don't, thanks to you."

"Glad I could help," I teased. I tried to match her mood but she could sense my disappointment.

"Lisa.. I..." she trailed off, not finding the right words.

I shook my head, meeting her eyes. "Life lesson for you, Jen, never say what I just said to anyone unless you actually mean it. I meant what I said just now, but I know you're not there, and I don't want you to answer me until you are."

I picked up the remote and turned to a random channel. "Let's watch a movie?"

She stayed silent but nodded, her mind obviously elsewhere. I stared through the tv. Even if I could take it back, I wouldn't have. I wanted her to know how I felt, and even if she didn't feel the same just yet, that was okay.

Because I was going to do everything I could do to make sure that changed.

****

Even though Jen hadn't quite given me the response I had hoped for on the night of her birthday, I was still pretty happy with how things were going. She seemed happy, which was huge for her. It seemed like her burdens weren't weighing her down as much as they usually did, which I attributed to her leaving her group home because that was the moment when everything changed.

Weeks passed after her birthday and nothing really changed except for the fact that the trial date was getting closer and closer. That was until the last Friday of April arrived, and it seemed like any other day. I sat in third period grading papers as my students worked on a lab, Jen included. The phone on my desk ran and I picked it up, answering, "Room 109."

The secretary's voice rang out through the phone. "Hey Lisa."

"Morning Carley, what can I do for you?"

"I have a woman on the other line, says it's urgent she talk to one of your students. Usually I don't patch through calls like this but Yang gave me the go ahead."

"Okay?" I responded. "Who's the call for?"

"Jennie Carter. Can you put her on?"

I looked up from my papers to see her at her lab table, biting her lip in concentration as she tied a piece of string around her dialysis bag. I tried not to think about how cute I found her when she was focused as I called out her name. "Jen, can you come here a minute?"

I wondered who the woman that was calling her could possibly be as she put down her materials and walked over to me. I held the phone out to her. "It's for you."

She looked at me with confusion, offering me a small chuckle. "Uh, right, okay."

"I'm serious Jen."

She took the phone hesitantly, pressing it to her ear. I watched her expression shift slowly after she listened to the woman on the other line for a few moments. She leaned against my desk, lowering the phone from her ear briefly and glancing at me wide eyed.

"You okay?"

She looked like she didn't know the answer to that question. She shook her head.

I asked, "Well who is it?"

"It's... it's Lia's mom