DELICATE ★ JENLISA

Chapter 19

I was actually genuinely surprised that Lisa had been allowing me to sleep in the same bed as her for the last week. I woke up next to her on Sunday morning, although she was, of course, still sleeping. My mind was beyond occupied, thinking about my own fucked up life and now Lisa's mom too, even though I should have just let it go because it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Needless to say, getting even six hours of sleep was basically a joke at this point.

I was sitting at the island in the kitchen drinking coffee when Lisa woke up. She looked at her sleeping niece before making her own cup of coffee, nodding to me, and walking back into her bedroom. I really couldn't tell if she was still mad at me or if she just wasn't in the mood to talk lately.

Honestly, it was probably a mix of both.

Soon, Ark woke up and immediately started chatting my ear off. Lisa re-entered the room and started making her niece, who had scurried off to play with her toys, breakfast, and eventually she spoke up. "I'm going for a bit of a ride in about half an hour to take Ark to her grandparents' house. As much as I love her, I could really use a break and she has more fun there anyway. Just thought I'd let you know."

I nodded and looked back down at my homework, coincidentally the work for her class, and she placed a plate of food in front of me. "You wouldn't want to go, would you?"

I looked up at her. "Do you want me to go or are you just trying to be nice?"

She shook her head. "Well no, uh.. their.. house is a good fifty feet from probably the most beautiful beach I've ever seen. I... thought maybe you'd like to go. You said it was one of the things you wanted to do, on Halloween; I'd feel like a bitch if I didn't at least offer."

I met her eyes. "So you are just being nice?"

She sighed. "You don't have to make this so hard. I want you to go, Jen. Really, I do."

I wanted to just be happy that she was thinking of me, but there was still so much tension between us that wasn't going away. I wasn't sure how a day alone with her at the beach would go. Not to mention, we couldn't be together in public. "Won't people see us together?"

"It's a private beach," she said, tapping her foot on the floor. I suppose my lack of the immediate response that she was probably hoping for was making her frustrated.

Finally I nodded. I really did want to go, and I also wanted to work through the tension between us. I wasn't going to bring up her mom, even though I really wanted to, but it was possible that we could still... talk. "Okay, I'll go."

She eyed me for a moment before nodding. "Alright, well, we're leaving in a few."

And that was that. She walked away and I heard her talking to Ark in her bedroom. I'd gotten a shower the night before so I changed while Lisa and Ark were in the bathroom, and before I knew it, we were all in Lisa's car. Ark was mostly the only one to talk, but I continuously stole glances at Lisa while she drove. She seemed much less angry, and I'd almost go as far as to say she looked content.

Our relationship was so fucking exhausting.

One minute she was icing me out, the next she was doing something sweet like offering to take me to the beach. Granted, she was already going there, but it was still sweet of her to offer.

She confused me so much.

After about an hour and a half of driving, Lisa turned down a street and I noticed the brown fence at the end, in front of tall sand dunes. I wasn't able to see past them, but I watched as Lisa pulled into the driveway of a beautiful beach house. "Wow," I muttered, eyeing the house.

She pulled the keys of the ignition, smirking. "I know."

"How can they afford this? Right next to a private beach?"

Lisa got out of the car, but leaned in to unbuckle Ark. "Peniel, Ashley's husband, came from a wealthy family, to say the least. Come on."

I stepped out of the car and followed the two up the pathway, trying to see over the dunes. Ark scurried forward and I turned to Lisa. "It's kind of far from your apartment though; you're willing to drive this far just to drop Ark off?"

Lisa shrugged, ringing the doorbell. "Peniel said it'd be easier to pick up Ark from here, and I obviously wasn't doing anything. I like coming here anyway, his parents are saints and the view from upstairs is amazing."

The door opened, revealing a thin woman around my height with short blonde hair and Ark's sparkling blue eyes. Her attention immediately went to her granddaughter and she smiled. "Pumpkin!"

Ark almost immediately ran forward, jumping into her arms. "Gram!"

I smiled and watched them interact, lingering beside Lisa. Eventually Ark scurried inside the house and the woman directed her attention to us. "Lisa, it's good to see you honey."

Lisa leaned in to hug her. "It's good to see you too Loisa. How's Clark?"

We heard a dog barking and a German Shepard squeezed past Loisa's legs, nearly tackling Lisa to the ground. She smiled and bent down, scratching behind his ear. "I guess that answers my question."

Loisa chuckled. "He's doing great, just missed you, it seems." She turned to me, smiling a little. "Who'd you bring?"

Lisa stood up again, scratching behind her own ear this time as the dog trotted back into the house. "Oh, uh, this is Jen. Jen, Loisa."

I leaned forward and shook her hand, trying to smile a bit. "Nice to meet you."

"Well aren't you cute," Loisa hummed, turned to Lisa. "Are you and your girlfriend staying for lunch?"

Lisa's eyes widened. "Oh, no, she's not my-"

"No? Lisa you have to stay, Murphy's making your favorite! Come on, for me."

"Loisa, I'll stay, but what I was going to say was-"

"Wonderful! Let's get you and your girlfriend inside, you two make a lovely couple." She turned to me. "I hope you like steak kabobs dear, they're Lisa's favorite."

I just nodded as she ushered us inside, before hurrying past us toward the kitchen. Lisa sighed next to me, running a hand over her face. "Well that could've gone better."

"Sorry, I'm not sure what I could've done to help there. It doesn't look like she likes to let people finish their sentences."

She shook her head. "Don't be sorry, she likes to assume, and she's like Ark during conversations. It's best to just sit back and listen."

I nodded and followed her into the kitchen, where Loisa was handing Ark a spatula with some sort of batter on it. She turned to Lisa and hid it behind her back, smirking at Ark. "Sorry pumpkin, I thought we had more time."

Lisa smiled. "Oh give her the spatula already, I'm not her mother."

Ark grinned and took the spatula, and Loisa turned to us. "Why don't you two go sit outside? Ark's helping me bake and Murphy's out there barbecuing."

Lisa nodded and ushered me outside. I sat down on one of the lounge chairs, looking up at the sky. It was actually hot and I was surprised at the effect that an hour and a half drive could have on the weather. I looked over at Lisa and widened my eyes, seeing her in a bikini top and her short shorts, lying down on the chair next to me. She raised an eyebrow. "Something I can help you with?"

"What are you doing?"

"Tanning? Problem, Jen? Murphy takes forever to barbecue."

I just shook my head, lowering my voice. "Nope.. no problem.."

She lied down and I leaned back in my chair, tapping my fingers. She looked over at me again and gestured toward the dunes with her head. "I'll show you the beach when we leave, okay? I know that's what you came for, I'm sorry, I should've expected she'd ask us to stay."

I shook my head. "No it's fine, I don't mind."

She closed her eyes and I let my thoughts run wild inside of my head, having trouble keeping my eyes to myself. Was she really just going to take off her shirt and lie down next to me? Wasn't that crossing boundaries in her mind?

We stayed like that for a while, before the man that I presumed to be Murphy climbed up the stairs, holding a tray. He looked from me to Lisa, cocking his head. "Ladies?"

Lisa's eyes opened and she sat up. "Oh, hey Murphy. Those for me?"

Murphy smiled, pulling the foil off the tray to reveal kabobs. He held it out to her. "Help yourself."

She took two and handed one to me, and I just sat back, looking at it strangely. Murphy gestured towards the house. "I'll be right back."

Lisa nodded and bit into hers. I stared at her, unable to tear my eyes away. There was a gorgeous blonde next to me eating steak on a stick. Where was I supposed to look?
She turned at me. "Are you going to eat?"

I took my eyes off of her lips and re-focused them on her sparkling green eyes. She was happy today. It was kind of hard to keep up with. "Uh, yeah."

"Good. Being here is probably good for you, those two will stuff you with food until you feel like you're about to explode."

"Um, I can't wait?"

She smirked and just shook her head, putting her skewer on the table and leaning back again. Another hour or so passed with us sitting quietly next to each other, before we spent quite a bit of the afternoon inside with Ark, Loisa, and Murphy. Eventually, to my surprise, it was nearly dinner. The sun was just beginning to set and I was still trying to remember what we'd even done for the entire day. I was in the process of slipping my shoes on when Lisa walked up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder, shaking her head. "We're going to be walking on sand, remember? Don't put those back on just yet."

I eyed her hand and just nodded, watching as she walked over to say goodbye to Loisa and Murphy. Ark hugged me, and then I followed Lisa out the front door. She turned left past her car and started up the path, calling back to me as I stood by the entrance and watched her walk. "Coming?"

I just nodded and followed her, eventually climbing the hill enough to see the sparkling blue ocean in front of us, and the sun setting just behind it. The beach was empty and perfectly peaceful, and it was so beautiful. For someone who had only ever seen the bleak streets of the few towns surrounding the one Lisa and I lived in, it was quite the perfect sight to see.

And I had her to thank.

I walked beside her as we made our way down to the ocean. "It's beautiful."

She smiled at me and continued walking, our arms brushing. "I'm glad you think so."

We stayed quiet for a little while, before she spoke up. "I know how I act sometimes. I know you don't deserve it and I'm sorry. Consider this my way of trying to make up for being a bitch recently, I can't control what goes on in my head. It sucks, Jen."

I eyed her, pressing my lips together. "I know exactly what you mean, only, what goes on inside of my head usually doesn't make me that way. It just dampens my mood. A lot."

"What goes on inside your head?"

I shook my head. "Too much to even begin to explain to you. Usually not good things, Lisa. But then sometimes, sometimes I have my good days. When I'm happy. When... other people are making me happy. It just doesn't happen very often."

"When was your most recent good day?"

"Halloween," I answered. I didn't even have to think about it.

"Why?"

"Because you and Ark were making me happy."

She looked down, eyeing me, before looking out into the ocean. She stayed silent as we walked along the beach, the water occasionally coming up and running over our bare feet. "And who was the last person to make you happy before then?"

I shook my head. "I can't remember. Maybe a girl I used to know in my old group home."

She frowned. "Life has given you too hard of a time, Jen. You really deserve to have fun. And you shouldn't have to deal with my mood swings."

"Well in that case, you shouldn't have to deal with any of my problems. You shouldn't have to put up with sleeping next to me, or any of Charles's bullshit."

"Maybe. But I want to."

"You want to be around Charles?"

"No, I want to make sure you're safe. I want to make sure you're okay. But it's hard to do when sometimes I'm not even okay."

I nodded, looking away. I knew now that she felt guilty, for whatever reason, and that was probably what was fucking with her head. But I didn't want to say anything to make her mad again, so I just kept my mouth closed for a while. Eventually I said, "Can I ask you a question?"

She nodded. "Peniel's rich," I said, "and I can't imagine Ashley is struggling either, but they still make you spend all your time watching Ark?"

"They don't make me. At first Ashley felt guilty leaving her with me for such long periods at a time. So at one point she got a babysitter, and I realized how...." she trailed off, meeting my eyes. She looked hesitant, but finally she said, "unbearably lonely my apartment is. Ashley letting Ark stay with me is just as much a favor as me watching her is."

"You're lonely?"

She sighed, rubbing her neck. "We all need someone, Jen. I have my sister, but most times she's just not enough."

"Do you have friends?"

I couldn't tell if I was hitting a soft spot or not, but I hoped if the answer was no, she didn't feel uncomfortable telling me. I knew what it was like. I didn't have friends but that didn't make me a shitty person. It didn't make her one either.

"Not really, no."

She looked down, I guess in shame, so I stepped close to her, letting our fingers brush against each other's. My movements were slow, as if testing the waters. She didn't pull away, simply stared into my eyes, wondering what the hell I was doing. I slid my hand into hers, feeling my fingers tingle at the contact and warmth spread throughout my body. "It's okay," I whispered. "I know what it's like."

She looked at our hands, her brow furrowing. "It's mostly my fault anyway. My best friend lives in a different country but she's not much of a best friend anymore, and I pushed everyone else away."

"You shouldn't beat yourself up about it."

"I know," she whispered. "It's hard not to though." We stared at each other for a while, our hands still laced by our sides. "Do I get to ask you a question now?"

"I guess?"

"Why do you talk to me, but you push away people that you can actually go out and have a good time with, like Jisoo... or... Cara?"

I shrugged, kicking at the sand a little bit. "Because I don't like taking risks when it comes to people's safety, and you're the only one that's just too fucking stubborn to let me say no to you."

"Yeah... well, since you won't talk to anyone else, I have to be stubborn."

"I don't think you have to be."

"Well then I want to be."

I stared at her and nodded a little. The sun had set for the most part, and the moon was starting to rise. She pulled her hand out of mine as I watched the waves crash. I felt the warmth leave and my body sag in disappointment. "We should head back," she said. "It's going to take a little while to get home with the traffic."

I thought about what she said. Home. I know she didn't mean it in a way for me to overthink it, but I couldn't help myself.

I wanted a home.

I had Lisa's apartment. I had Charles's house.

But I didn't think I had a home.


I wasn't sure what prompted me to do so, but I dreamt about my family that night when we returned to Lisa's apartment. We were sitting in the grass having a picnic, and my mom was holding my baby sister in her arms laughing. I was smiling, and everybody was happy.

But I couldn't remember if that ever actually happened or not.

Regardless, when I woke up, I couldn't control myself. I knew I was next to Lisa and I didn't want her waking up, but I was already a mess. My cheeks were wet and my mind was constantly running through blurry pictures of my family. I felt the tears streaming down my face before I could stop them, and I tried to make my way out of Lisa's bedroom before she woke up, but I wasn't fast enough.

She stirred, sitting up and squinting in the darkness. She immediately noticed me standing and turned on the lamp, only to see me in a complete mess. I was frozen in place, and I wanted to run, but I didn't know where there was to go. She'd only follow me into the other room of her apartment. "Jen?"

I sniffled, turning my head away so that my hair was covering my face as I wiped away my tears. She shook away the confusion in her voice and sat up further. "Jen, please look at me."

I continued to look down, but my mind was racing. I didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't want to push everyone away just because my mind was too fucked up for them to handle or because I was scared of them getting hurt. Lisa was here, and I didn't care how much of a bitch she could be, because she was also one of the only people in the world who could cheer me up. I finally looked up, allowing her to see the tears still streaming down my face. Her expression softened and she opened her mouth, gesturing with her hands. "Come here."

I reluctantly stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed. She pushed the blankets off of her and scooted closer to me, reaching forward and pulling me into her. I tried to fight her, I tried to push her off of me, but I was too weak. She stayed strong and held me in an embrace, and after a while, I wrapped my arms around her body and cried. I pressed my face into her shoulder and let my body shake as her scent enveloped me. I was so tired. I was so drained in just about every aspect. I wanted a family. I wanted a home. I wanted to have things in my life that I could rely on.

I wasn't sure how long we sat like that. She scooted back and let her torso lean against the headboard, running gentle fingers through my hair as I cried into her shoulder, my quiet sobs gradually coming to a stop. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried this hard. I had bottled up almost everything that I'd been feeling for probably the last four or five years and I'd refused to let myself release it. I didn't have anyone to help me release it.

My body eventually stopped shaking and I lied still on Lisa's chest, listening to her heartbeat. She noticed and looked down at me, guiding my chin up so that I was staring at her. She wiped the tears off of my cheek with her thumb. "You've been holding that in for way too long, Jen."

"I know," I whispered, my voice hoarse.

She stared straight into my eyes and tightened her hold around me, drawing circles on my arm. I tried not to think about how the fact that her holding me was only temporary. Knowing us, I'd do something stupid and she'd get pissed off, and that would be the last that I would see of this side of her. She spoke, "Did you have a bad dream?"

"No," I mumbled against her, seeing my mom and dad appear in my head again. "I had a great dream."

"Why were you crying?"

I stayed silent for a while, before ducking my head. "Because I miss my family." I waited for her to stay something, but she didn't, and instead just continued drawing patterns on the skin of my arm. I looked up at her, tilting my head. I was sure I looked like shit but at this very moment in time, I didn't care. "How come you haven't asked about my parents? I know you're curious. I mean, you are human, aren't you?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Of course I'm curious Jen, but you specifically asked me not to."

"And you listened? I thought you didn't like people telling you no?"

She rolled her eyes, searching mine for any signs of the complete mess I had just been minutes before. My mind was in no way free of pain, but my body had at least stopped responding to the longing that I felt. She spoke, "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I want to know a lot of things about you Jen, but I try not to ask because I know you don't like talking about it, and to be honest, I also don't want you asking about me."

"Why?"

"Because then I'll have to shut down on you again, and I really hate doing that just as much as you hate being on the receiving end."

I stayed quiet, pulling away from her embrace briefly to lean my head against the headboard, tucking my knees into my chest. Did I want to tell her? Wouldn't that only make this harder in the long run?

I looked up at her to see her green eyes staring down at me, watching my every move. They were captivating and I found myself getting lost in them, but I forced myself to look down again. I took a deep breath and let myself speak, my voice coming out shaky. "I h-had a little sister."

I risked peaking up at her to see her furrowing her eyebrows, looking at me with... almost.. understanding. I continued, but I could feel the tears welling in my eyes again. "They... they uh, my parents... and my sister... when I was five-"

She pulled me into her again and brushed the tear from my cheek, shaking her head. "Jen, you don't have to-"

I stopped her. "No, I want to tell you." I released a shaky breath and tried to continue. "When I was five, my baby sister and my parents passed away. It... uh, it was a house fire. I don't know what started it, I really don't remember much. I just uh.. I-" I could feel my throat closing up as I thought about that night, but Lisa's cool hand on mine made me relax a little.

She whispered, "Take your time."

I let out a breath of air, calming myself. I spoke without stammering this time. "My parents were divorced... but, my dad was over spending time with me in the basement and.. he heard the fire alarm go off. I guess he didn't know where my mom or sister was but he wanted to at least make sure I was safe when he saw the black smoke coming from upstairs, so he picked me up and told me to stay outside by the street, no matter what I saw."

I could feel her staring at me but I just looked down at our hands. "Everything else was blurry. I think he called 911 while he was running back inside... but... they didn't make it in time, I guess. I only saw them carrying my sister out of the house... her face was... covered in soot. My dad must have called Cate too because she showed up and drove me away before I saw anything else."

Lisa seemed to be listening intently, but at the same time somewhere far away. She stared at the foot of the bed and whispered, "How often do you still think about them?"

"Every day."

She nodded softly, meeting my eyes. "Why did you go through the system if you had Cate?"

"She was in a bad place financially. She's an alcoholic... she was back then, and she is now. Well she's sober now, but it takes a lot of will-power for her not to pick up a drink. She couldn't adopt me before she married Charles. But I don't blame her. It's not her fault I had a shitty childhood."

Lisa nodded but never released me, and I couldn't tell if she was just processing the information silently, or if the comfortable silence she had let us fall into was just her understanding me. I honestly didn't want her to say anything; I just wanted her to be there with me so I didn't have to be alone. But I didn't even have to say it, because that's exactly what she was doing.

"Thank you," she said, finally breaking the silence. I hadn't meant for it to happen, but my hand had fallen onto her chest just under her collarbone, and I didn't want to remove it. She didn't seem to be bothered by it though, so I let it rest there as I looked up and shook my head. "For what?"

"For being honest with me... and letting me in, I suppose. For... showing me you."

I let our eyes meet, our gazes dead set on one another's. "Thank you for listening.

She shook her head and opened her mouth, probably to tell me not to thank her, but I spoke before her. "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded. I spoke, "Nothing.... changed, just now, when I told you about my family. I can tell... you don't... pity me, and... you didn't tell me that you're sorry, which is nice to hear sometimes, I guess, but you know.." I sighed, because I could tell I was rambling at that point. I personally had only ever told a few people about my family, but that's not to say a multitude of people didn't know. People found out one way or another, and I had to watch people staring at me with pity and whispering. There really was no right thing to do. Chaerin was probably the only one that ever made me feel like I wasn't a lost puppy without a home. I knew that she knew about my parents, probably because she was told by the people who put me in her house, but she had a perfect way of acknowledging it without upsetting me.

Lisa just shook her head and tried to smile a little bit. "Is there a question you're getting to at some point?"

"Come on, don't you know what I'm trying to ask?"

She eyed me but shrugged. "I don't know, I think so. I didn't say what people normally say because I didn't think that's what you wanted to hear. And I don't pity you. I truly wish that you had a family to experience life with, but I don't pity you."

I stared at her for a little while, not understanding how she was able to do that. How did she know exactly what to do and say, or exactly what not to do for that matter? She watched me as the cogs turned in my head, and we stayed like that for a while. But before I knew what I was doing, I lifted my face to hers and pressed our lips together. I knew it was probably a stupid thing to do, especially right now, but I couldn't help myself. I could feel that my heart had swelled up just listening to her mutter a few brief words after I told her about my family, and it was enough encouragement for me to ignore the conversation I'd had with Ashley not twenty-four hours before. Her response this time was different; she kissed me back briefly before pulling away, sighing, and looking down. "Jen...."

"I know. You don't have to say it.... but please, just for tonight, can I pretend that I have someone?"

Her eyes snapped to mine again and her face fell. She shook her head, her mouth opening. "You....." She trailed off, finally just giving up and bringing her hand to my cheek, leaning down to kiss me again. Our lips brushed as the arm she was using to support my body shifted, allowing me to sit up further and kiss her. It was anything but the perfect kiss I could've imagined; my eyes were probably still red from all of the crying, we were both exhausted, and we'd just been speaking about a particularly unhappy topic.

But I wouldn't have changed anything.

Eventually she pulled away, both of us needing air. She breathed, brushing my cheek with her thumb. I looked up at her. "What was that for?"

"What?"

I smirked. "You kissed me. You never kiss me when I kiss you."

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards and she laughed a little. It was a wonderful sound. "I wanted you to see that I really do care about you. You don't need to pretend that you have someone. You have me. We're just in a really difficult fucking situation."

"I know. I just wanted tonight."

She wrapped an arm around me. "I think I can give you tonight."

I stayed quiet, lying on her chest for what felt like hours but in reality was probably only a half an hour or so. It was difficult to wrap my head around everything that had just happened in the last hour. Had I really just told Lisa about my family when a month ago I was vowing to myself that she wouldn't get anything out of me? And had she really just kissed me back? For multiple minutes, no less?

I was dying to kiss her again, but when I looked up, her eyes were closed and her chest was rising and falling slowly.

She was asleep.

I watched her, staring at her lips that had been slightly swollen not too long ago, but had since returned to their normal state. She always looked so at peace in her sleep, which pleased me because I wouldn't wish what I went through at night on anyone. I wanted her to be okay, and I knew I had to cut her some slack. I knew who she could be, and the woman that I'd seen tonight and on Halloween was a woman I wanted in my life. I was sure of it.

But I had only asked her for one night.

The truth was, I had absolutely no idea what tomorrow would bring.