Little Big Problems

Chapter 23: Slipping Away

"Harper," he groans, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. Sparks ignite where his fingers brushes my skin. It's so foreign to hear my name from his lips, but so good. "You know you want it."

I shake my head again, still not meeting his eyes.

"Look at me then answer," he hisses, pulling me closer, "tell me you feel nothing for me, nothing happens when I touch you, kiss you." His voice lowers in want at last words. "Tell me you're numb to it all, numb to me."

I finally meet his gaze. So many emotions swirl in those mesmerizing dark eyes: want, regret, lust, pain, and a strange softness that steals my breath away. A part of me just wants to give in. But I can't. I can't.

"I'm not numb to you Adrien. I feel things for you," I answer truthfully and his eyes light up. "But I also feel when you call me names. I feel when you say I am fat, swollen and disgusting. I feel when you bully me and insult me in front of others." My vision blurs. "I feel so... hurt, loathed and ugly. I feel stripped off my self-esteem.

"After a year of relentless bullying, you don't have any right to stand here and demand from me to like you back now that you have the sudden change of heart. That's not how it works Adrien.

"It doesn't matter if I like you or not. Sooner or later I'll get over that. But I'll never get over if I settle for a guy who doesn't respect me, who so much without an apology just expects me to fall into his arms. Unlike how many times you've said it, I'm not that desperate. Somehow after all your cruel words, I still manage to hold enough self-respect to know you're not good for me."

By the time I'm done, big-fat tears are rolling down my cheeks. Adrien's face is a blur but I know I got to him when his hold on me tightens as though I am slipping away. I am slipping away from him.

"I apologize then," he says, "I'm sorry-"

"You don't mean it."

"I do mean it!" He snaps. There's an urgency in his tone. "I know my behavior with you wasn't right Harper. I shouldn't have been such a jerk to you just because I couldn't figure out my own feelings. I'm sorry."

"Okay, you mean it," I say with a nod, "you're sorry. But it doesn't change the fact you're saying it now because you want to keep me. If we didn't kiss at the party or you didn't have the sudden epiphany that you actually like me, you would still be calling me fat and ugly.

"You might've stopped bullying me for my weight, but you still don't respect me. I don't see it in your actions. I don't respect you either. We just like each other and that's not enough."

He lets go of me and steps away, instantly making me miss his warmth. My shoulders slump as I lean against the wall for support. My hands and legs are shaking. I feel drained, empty.

I rub my eyes and clear the vision. Adrien stands before me, looking at me with a blank face. Though his moist eyes let me know he's holding back so much.

"I see," he says, his voice void of any emotion. "I suppose there's nothing else left to say."

I bite my lip to stop myself from full on sobbing.

"We should head back. Your friends must be wondering where you are." He sounds detached.

I nod. There's nothing more left to say.

Adrien turns around and walks back to the tables. I follow him silently. I sense the gap between us widening with each step forward. He doesn't stop at our table, not even to acknowledge Zaid's questioning look, and makes a beeline to where he was previously sitting.

His friend is holding the attention of girls, but they don't mind when Adrien saunters back to them, welcoming him with open arms, literally. Jealousy burns inside me seeing them clinging to him and again I feel the urge to rip their slender arms off him, like I've been feeling all night. However, again, I squash the urge down, this time knowing I have no right after willfully pushing him away.

When some of those girls throw curious glances at me I look away, blushing.

"You two are giving me whiplash," Zaid comments as I sit down. I am grateful for the dim lights that doesn't let him see my red swollen eyes.

I cast him a weak glare and receive a condescending shake of head.

Areum and Jaxon are quietly sipping their drinks, no longer having one of their ridiculous fights.

Well, my night of fun is officially ruined.

Now there's only one thing left to do. Get drunk. Very drunk. So I do.

As the night passes I drown myself into countless glasses of different alcohols. I want to numb my mind and lose myself in a drunken stupor where I am free of conflicts and stupid feelings for a stupid boy.

When my gaze wander to that boy I find him doing the same.

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