Summer Nights (Solangelo AU)

nico xi • trying to be enough

   Nobody ever mentions how different you feel after you lose your virginity—but all I knew was that I didn't regret it. For once in my life, I made a drastic decision that changed me, and I actually didn't regret it. Y'know, even with the unfortunate events that followed afterwards.

   "I don't even know where to begin," Marie folds her arms. I sit in the living room after washing myself up, a hour or so after everyone had already left. She awkwardly paces in front of me. "Wh—Why? Will? How?"

   "It just happened..." I trail off.

   "Where did you go last night?" Marie demands.

"I went to a party," I say. "I didn't drink. I just...lost control of my feelings. I swear, this was my first time."

Marie awkwardly adjusts her weight. "I was so worried about you being good. I'm just glad you're safe," she then stops herself upon realizing something. "Were you...safe?"

My face goes slightly pink. "Of course."

She lets out a sigh of relief. "He doesn't...have many partners does he?"

I shuffle awkwardly.

"Oh my God," she buries her face in her hands. "We're taking you to the clinic and getting you checked. Immediately."

I roll my eyes. "Marie, don't you think that's a bit too much? I wore a condom."

"I don't care," Marie clicks her tongue. "I just don't understand what all of this is about."

"I'm probably just as confused as you when it comes to Will," I clear my throat. "I wasn't expecting to ever do...that with him. But he took me home yesterday, and we were outside...and it just felt right."

She rubs her temples. "And it was consensual?"

"Yes. We were both sober," I sigh.

"Fine," she lets out a deep breath.

I look up at her in confusion. "Fine?"

"I won't tell your father," she crosses her arms. "And you won't be grounded. So long as you promise to get checked."

Were pigs flying?

"I'm confused," I say.

"I get that you're young and just trying to experience," Marie holds her breath. "But don't forget that. You're young. You still don't know everything as much as you think you do. You have to talk to me. To your dad. We're confused, too. Sneaking out, partying, fighting...you've never done any of this before Summer."

I press my lips together and nod. She sits down by me. "I don't know what's been going on either," I whisper, leaning over my legs. I could feel my face getting warm as tears began to fill my eyes. "It's like I've been in this bubble for years. In the middle, it's me. Who I am. What I want. And it feels like every time I accomplish something, you'd think I'd be happy about it. Anyone would right?"

I look over to her, studying her face for any movements of disinterest. But she watches intently, waiting patiently.

"But the bigger the accomplishment, the tighter the bubble gets," I gulp. "It's all this pressure. Constricting who I am. I lose my breath. I lose control. I just know that I have to do better than my best, each and every time, to keep you and dad proud of me. To keep everybody interested. To feel special. I try, and try, and try, but nothing ever suffices. It kills me when I fail. When I fail, people look away. When I fail, people lose interest. They leave. But..." I fumble with my fingers and a warmth crosses my chest. "When I fail...he's still there. He's still looking at me."