Summer Nights (Solangelo AU)

will vi • the unfortunate tribulation of crushing on your rival

When I woke up, Nico wasn't in the bed.

I woke up around 9 AM at first, and to my fucking horror, I was practically spooning him. But I was really tired and the warmth...was nice. And he smelled really nice. So I went back to sleep.

I sat up in bed, looking around. This is the first time I've ever stayed the entire night at someone's house who wasn't one of the guys. And I'm starting to regret the fact I left my arm around him. What if he woke up? And what if he thought I was making a move?

I was starting to get a pit in my stomach. I was getting way too close to Nico. I told him too much, I slept next to him, with my arm around him, and for a second, when we were in Venus Hill, I thought he was going to kiss me.

   Earlier that day, I had a bit of a breakdown. I drove to the beach after driving away from work, and I sat down in the sand. It must have been a few hours. I was thinking. And thinking. And thinking. I tried to make myself cry again, but I couldn't.

   But I was starting to realize something—the one person who I could trust not to get attached was Nico. Nico and I hated each other. I could trust him not to care. Not to get invested.

   I went to see Nico. To make sure he got in the car and Josh was nowhere in sight. And then he told me to come with him, and I did. Nico was different. And I don't think I'll tell him that. But every time I'm with him, I'm reminded of it.

I could have kissed him. Kissing really isn't anything unless you give it a meaning. But I knew that Nico wanted someone. And I respected it when he got down from the trunk of the car.

Isn't that weird. I could have kissed him. That's not the entire truth. I wanted to.

   There's this thing about Nico.

   In a confusing, convoluted way, there was utter transparency. Almost like between the two of us was a wall of falsities, and in these moments, he'd look at you—you, through the falsities, and see the scabs, cuts, and bruises that the inner self insured. It was like he saw me the way I saw myself on the good days. And I think we both knew there was something weird going on between us.

    It was starting to become obvious that we both wanted each other—but it was too conflicting. I wanted sex, he wanted commitment. And neither of us could give that to each other. And so we try not to overstep a boundary. I think it's getting harder and harder. The entire week, I was thinking about Friday. When I was with Percy, I kept comparing our conversation to one Nico and I would have. And when I was drinking, I thought back to the parties. And it was worse when I visited Travis on Wednesday.

   After sex, Travis asked me if I was thinking about Nico during it. I lied and said no. Travis saw through it, and reminded me that I could get over it by just hooking up with him.

   I'm beginning to think Travis was right. But I couldn't do that, I don't think. I wasn't going to bring it up to Nico. I felt ashamed for thinking about him while having sex. I wanted to bash my head against a wall—I know he wouldn't want it, and I felt like I was violating our friendship in some way. And I would never convince someone into sex. If a guy wants to, then he wants to. But I wasn't into pressuring.

   When I was around Nico, my throat got tight. My mind wandered off. His face was a constant reminder of what I really wanted. But I kept that feeling down.

   No one's ever really had me...infatuated. Or nervous. But no one's ever ran out on me before sex. And no one's ever caressed my face with such gentleness that it felt like I was being healed.

   I stretch my arms, place my feet on the ground, and yawn. Looking out the window, the sky was littered in gray clouds. Lightning crackled within, and the wind was picking up. The sky was gearing for a thunderstorm. I grab my bag and pack up—carefully opening up Nico's door and creeping down the stairs.