The sane thing for me to do would have been to run in the opposite direction and flee for my life the second that I saw his bright blue eyes and bad boy smile. But I'd never been considered completely sane. So I stayed. I fell. I loved. And I broke.
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Chapter Nineteen:
We stood in silence out on my back porch for what felt like hours until I finally spoke. "Come on, it's too cold out here."
Jax followed me back inside the house and locked the door behind him, something that he'd done to every door and window that he'd ever bypassed and could touch when it came to me, and I had a sense of déjàvu wash over me.
We stood awkwardly in the kitchen, him leaning against the wall and me looking for glasses to share the whiskey in my hand, but the tension in the air was thicker than it had ever been the whole time that I'd known him.
"Please." He whispered. "Please just tell me what I need to do to fix this. I'll do anything."
I kept my back turned towards him. "Do you love her?"
Jax almost yelled. "No! I don't fucking love her, I only love you."
"Did you use a condom?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer, but I knew I needed to get everything out in the open before I could process and decide whether or not it was officially over.
"Yes." He let out a shaky breath. "I know that it doesn't make anything better and doesn't change anything. But yes. I wore a rubber."
It was amazing the amount of relief I felt at such a simple admission, and I nodded when I turned around and started walking over to my couch. "Come and sit down. If we're goin' to have this talk, we might as well be comfortable."
It almost broke my heart all over again to see Jax hesitate when I dropped down onto the plush fabric, like he wasn't sure whether or not he should sit close to me or if I'd push him away.
The air of vulnerability around him was foreign and new, and it was so unlike the well put together President that he reminded me of Abel when I'd first met him.
I patted the spot beside me, waited until he finally sat down, and then handed him the liquor that I'd poured.
"I just don't understand." I admitted quietly once I'd had a large sip from my glass. "That mornin' we were lookin' at the house, promisin' each other a future, and then you jumped into her bed."
Jax sighed and ran a hand down his face. "I don't understand it, either. When she came to the clubhouse, I was just floored. I never expected to see her again, I never thought that she'd come back to town. And then she started reminiscing and ..."
"And you forgot about the woman at home, takin' care of your child and layin' in your bed." I offered when he'd trailed off.
Jax winced. "No, I didn't forget about you, El. I just got caught up in a moment. I knew it was wrong, I just- We'd spent hours talking and she'd invited me over to see her dad's old house, and it just happened."
"You hurt me by cheatin'." I took another sip of the whiskey. "But you broke my heart comin' back and gettin' into bed with me without botherin' to shower. You fucked up, I get it. I don't like it, but everybody makes mistakes. But you didn't even have the respect for me to shower?"
Jax let out a choked whimper that made me realise he'd started to cry when I'd spoken. "After it happened, when I'd realised what I'd done and told her that I had an Old Lady and I was in love with you, that she and I were over... I hadn't expected you to be awake when I got home and as soon as I saw you, I knew that I was going to break your heart when it hit morning and I told you what I'd done."
He whimpered again. "I just wanted to hold you, because I wasn't sure if I'd ever get the chance again. I didn't even think about getting in a shower, I just wanted to hold you, El."
It was a mixture of his tears, how his voice kept breaking and that he'd let all of his walls down to let me see the broken mess underneath that made tears well in my eyes.
"When I saw you on that date, it crushed me." Jax murmured and drained the rest of his glass. "I knew that I'd lost you and it was all my fault."
I followed his lead and left the glass empty, but just started swigging from the bottle rather than taking the time to refill the crystal. "I haven't seen him again. I rang and told him that I was sorry for leadin' him on, but I'm still in love with my asshole ex and didn't think it was right to go datin' when I wasn't over him."
"I'm sorry, El." His face was wet with tears. "I'm so sorry."
I looked into his red-rimmed baby blues. "I know you are, Jackson."
"Please just tell me how to fix this." Jax's eyes started to water again. "Please, baby. I can't live without you."
I'll never forget what he did and he knows that. But I made a conscious decision to rise above it. I love your daddy, I know that he's the one for me, and I know he feels guilty about what he did. He just about tore his heart from his chest, beat himself up over it for months after I'd found out. But I rose above. I prayed, I cried to Jesus, and then I decided that I didn't want to live without him, so I didn't.
Mama's words echoed in my head, like I was still sitting at the table back in Georgia.
I had a choice. I could walk away from Jax with the closure of understanding why it had all happened. I could go on with my life and pretend that I'd never met him.
But I didn't want to.
"It's goin' to take a lot of work." I finally said. "But, I'm willin' to put it behind us and have a new start. One chance, Jackson. If it ever happens again, it's over."
The quiet whimpers that he'd had throughout our conversation turned to full blown sobs, and he put his arms around me so that he could crush me to his chest.
Jax buried his head in my hair and cried. He repeated that he loved me on a constant loop as his whole body shook, hands gripping me like he was terrified that I'd disappear if he didn't keep me anchored to him.
I withdrew from his body for long enough to straddle him and press my face back into his chest so that we could hold each other more tightly.
"I'll never fuck this up again." He promised. "I love you so fucking much, darlin."
