Trigger warning: signs of panic attacks, mention of suicide, and death.
***
My chest was in so much pain when I woke up. I couldn't breathe properly and it feels as though there's a massive lump inside my throat.
To alleviate the pain, I thought of sitting down. But as soon as I got up, it only worsened. I became even more nauseous and the next thing I know, I was dry-heaving terribly.
I ran to the toilet and stayed there for almost half an hour. I waited for something to come out but nothing did. It didn't take a while before I found myself hugging the toilet bowl because I was so dizzy and it's as if the world is spinning around me.
This must be the evil-doing of the sleeping pill I took last night. It's finally taking its toll on me.
It has always been like this. Every time I take any medication, it only helps me for a little while but it never fails to torture my body afterward.
"Oh, dear God," I whimpered while trying to stand up slowly.
Faintly, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. After drying myself, I opened the door and there I saw Sav waiting outside. He's standing on his four legs while looking up to me with those blue, commiserative eyes.
"I'm okay," I weakly told him while sitting down. But he didn't seem to believe me because he's still gazing at me worriedly. I held him in my arms and hugged him tightly. "Did I have another bad dream last night? Did I cry again? Did that make you worry? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sav."
Before I knew it, tears are forming in my eyes again. I had to take a deep breath in order to compose myself.
I felt him nuzzle against my shoulder. That made me smile to myself.
"Are you hungry?" I asked when I pulled him away. He softly purred while gazing at me. This only means that he's not. "Okay. Let's just rest, then." I put him down so he can walk freely.
He went ahead of me while I feebly followed him. Before we reached the living room, I took a different turn to get my phone.
When I looked at the screen, there were a bunch of missed calls and text messages—mostly from Ysa and Ahia. They must have been so worried because I wasn't responding.
After finally taking my seat on the couch, I called Ysabelle's number and put it on speakerphone.
"Calli, what happened?" she immediately asked as soon as she picked up the call. Her voice was an easy giveaway for me to know that she's worried to death.
"Nothing," I lied. If I tell her the truth, she'll get overwrought and will rush her way to my unit.
"Bakit ngayon ka lang sumagot?"
"I don't have my phone with me. I left it in my room."
"Umalis ka ba ng bahay?"
I bit my lower lip in guilt. "No. I was just in the living room, watching."
A relieved sigh from her made itself heard over the phone. "Oh, okay. I was so worried. I thought something happened. Kumain ka na ba ng dinner?"
"Not yet. I don't have an appetite."
At least, that one's true.
"It's almost eight in the evening now. You should eat."
"Ysabelle," I called her with a pleading tone. "I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me."
"Too bad that's not going to happen. Hindi lang din ako 'yung nag-aalala. Kanina pa tawag nang tawag sa akin 'yung tatlo. Tinatanong nila ako kung nakausap ba kita ngayong araw kasi sila raw ay hindi mo sinasagot. Lalo na 'tong si Basti, napaka-paranoid!"
