Trigger warning: mention of intrusive images, anxiety attacks, nightmares, and hints of destructive thoughts.
At any given point when you feel emotionally or mentally triggered, you can take a pause.
***
"May plano na ba para sa despidida ni Ysa?" Basti casually inquired after taking a sip of his cold brew coffee.
He's sitting across from us.
"Wala. Ayaw niya raw sa mga gano'n," Ahia replied. "Isa pa, hindi naman siya titira sa New Zealand for good kaya hindi naman daw talaga niya kailangan magkaroon ng send off," he added.
"Ah, okay. So, wala pala talagang ganap. Akala ko gumawa kayo ng group chat tapos wala ako, eh."
My gaze narrowed at him. What kind of nonsense is that?
Ahia laughed at his remark. "Kapag talaga masama ang ugali mo, lagi kang kabado, 'no?" he jestingly countered.
Basti chuckled, too. "Alam mong best enemies kami ni Ysa kaya hindi naman ako magtataka kung gawin niya talaga 'yun. Pero ayos lang na hindi ako ma-invite kung nagkataon dahil wala naman akong magandang masasabi."
"Kaya kayo palaging nag-aaway kasi ganiyan ang ugali mo, eh," Buenvenido chimed, shaking his head.
To that, Sebastian just laughed. He didn't even bother to deny or defend himself. It would be pointless if he does either of those, anyway.
They waltzed back to their previous conversation—something about the online game they're currently raving about. I remained quiet while taking a sip of the hot coffee I bought from the shop.
We're taking a rest at Satchmi after watching a movie. As soon as we got out of the cinema house, Basti mentioned that he wanted to stay at a coffee shop to relax a little before going home. He knows too well that I do not fancy spending my time inside a cafe so he first asked if it would be okay for me. Reluctantly, I said yes. It has been a while since we came together and I figured it wouldn't hurt to agree with what they want. After all, even when they don't blatantly admit it, I know they're doing this for me.
September came too soon. Next week, it will be Pray's sixth death anniversary. And because they know that I become inevitably melancholic during this time of the year, they're doing their best to keep me company. To veer my thoughts away from utter sadness. I know they're trying. They keep on trying—year after year. Unfortunately, no amount of affection from other people is enough to stop me from completely drowning in my own sorrow. But they're doing their very best to be here and for that, I'm grateful.
Ahia was the one who suggested that we go to Satchmi instead of other coffee shops. He knows that sitting in a crowd of strangers makes me uncomfortable. But since there's nothing we can do to circumvent being around unfamiliar faces, he thought of a place where it would be more bearable for me. Hence, we ended up going here.
It turned out to be a good call because there's something about being surrounded by turntables and vinyl records that resembles a sense of home for me. They remind me of the blissful memories I had with guama. And because of this, surprisingly enough, the sound of everyone's murmur became less magnified. The echoes of the times I spent with guama were all I could think of.
"Do you want to order one more cup?" Ahia asked as soon as I put down the empty cup of coffee.
Tight-lipped, I looked at him and slowly shook my head.
"Alam mo, Calli, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na umiinom ka na ng kape sa mga coffee shops ngayon," Basti welcomed himself in the conversation.
"Did she ask?" Ahia and Bu quickly said in chorus, mimicking my dismissive expression.
