Our Delayed Dreams (Dream Series #1)

Chapter 27

Chapter 27: A step Closer

"That's it, my love.."

I can't process the things he told me. Lahat sinabi niya saakin. Simula una hanggang dulo, all his struggles have their own story, he even told me how he overcame all those. I feel guilty. I want to be angry but I can't. 

I didn't want to talk anymore but before I knew it I already broke the long silence.

"I want to be angry, I want to shout at you, fuck." Gusto kong magalit! How the fuck can he hide that for a decade? Wala ba siyang konsensya? Nakakaputangina.

"I deserve it-" I cut him off.

"Will you fucking stop with those manipulative sad boy lines?! I understand everything, because fuck, yes, you deserve all my anger, but we're already adults, Axel. May magagawa pa ba 'yung galit ko? Mababalik ba niya lahat ng mga pagkakataon na nawala? Mababalik niya ba 'yung mga oras na nasayang?? Wala, hindi niya, so ano pang point ng galit ko?" Halos maiyak ako kasi I have to understand him. I am dropping all my anger because my anger can't do anything anymore.

He suffered so much too, I don't want to invalidate his feelings. But the actual fuck, why would he invalidate his feelings just because I had it worst? Every single human feels pain, so why would you invalidate your pain just because somebody had it worst?

"You're just making me feel guilty. I was angry at you this whole time because I thought you were fucking selfish, remember? You promised me you'll stay," Tears were starting to form, I hate it here. "I hated you because you broke your promise, not only once but twice. Ang hirap na ee. Ang hirap-hirap. Sana sinabi mo, sana sinabi mo saakin lahat noon pa. Alam mo bakit? Kasi handa akong iwanan lahat para sayo. Kaya kitang intindihin kahit pa 'yung sarili ko hindi ko na maintindihan." Hindi ko na napigilan naiyak nalang ako.

Kahit pa ang sakit at bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

"I want to drop all the pain already, Ax." Hikbi ko. "Sawang-sawa na'ko dalhin lahat ng 'to. Hindi lang dekada, mahigit pa ron. Oo aware ako sa pain mo, naiintindihan ko, pero fuck, imagine. Imagine if you told me everything from the start, we could've not ended like this."

"Paano ko sasabihin sayo, lahat na ginawa ko noon, but you didn't want to listen to me anymore. How am I supposed to push myself to you when you already shut your doors at me?" I can't look at him, he's crying in front of me. I don't like seeing people cry because of me.

"Paano pa'ko makikinig noong mga oras na 'yon pagod na 'ko sa lahat ng bagay. Pagod na 'ko, ubos na ubos na 'ko noong mga oras na 'yon. Wala na 'kong maibuga noon, Axel. Paano pa kita papakinggan kung wala na 'kong lakas ng loob."

"I was too," he whispered. It was subtle but I heard him. Mas lalo lang akong nasaktan. Am I selfish?

Masyado ba 'kong makasarili? Pero paano ko pa ba siya papakinggan noon kung sirang-sira na 'ko? Pwede naman niyang sabihin saakin 'yung tungkol doon sa ice skater na 'yon noong nasa bahay ampunan kami. He could've told me that day. I was more than ready to listen to him.

"We're both burned out at that time, we're both hurting, we can't understand each other anymore." I just said dahil kahit gaano pa karami 'yung gusto kong sabihin, wala na rin kwenta dahil wala naman magbabago.

"I'm sorry" he sobbed. "I'm sorry, Kila I got tired. I'm sorry if I gave up on you at that time when I still can do more than that. I'm sorry I broke you into a million pieces. Higit sa lahat, I'm sorry for hiding so many things from you. I-I just didn't want to be the reason again that your dreams will be delayed." For pete's sake! His cries sound so fucking painful.