The Perks of being a Fangirl

CHAPTER 11: Bringin' on the heartache

 

JERON's POV

I can’t take it anymore. I don't deserve all this bullsh*ts I'm going through right now. I gave her my time, my effort, my world... my everything. There's nothing left for me anymore. Why did I do to deserve all of this? Why did I give my everything to her while I get nothing in return?

Yes, I already broke up with her. With her; my girlfriend for half a year, the girl I gave up everything for, and the girl I loved the most.

We talked, YES. Ako yung tipo ng tao na pinapakinggan yung rason kung bakit niya yun ginagawa. Lalo na kung ganito na kalala yung nangyari. Napakinggan ko lahat ng side niya. Mas mabuti pa nga sana kung magsisinungaling siya eh, na sabihin niya na nagsisisi siya sa ginawa niya, kasi 'pag ginawa niya 'yun baka mapatawad ko pa siya. Ganun ko siya kamahal.

It's not the first time she cheated on me. Yes, it's NOT the first time. She cheated on me before.... with my Bestfriend. My Bestfriend for 10 years. I lost my Bestfriend because I chose her. That was a year ago pero kumikirot pa din. Triny kong kalimutan yun pero bumabalik ulit dahil sa ginawa niya ulit yun. Ayoko na. Masakit na eh. Di na ba siya naaawa sa'kin? This is too much already. Ayoko na. Sawang sawa na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako. 

“You want me to be honest? I did love you. I loved you more than anything. If you have a problem with that, go on and don’t believe me. God knows you do that often enough when we were still together. I don’t care what you do now. I don’t care if you drink until you pass out, I don’t care if you smoke with all those new guy friends you’ve met. I just don’t care anymore. I want you to live your life without my help and we’ll see just how far you get. You’re still a spoiled kid, and you just don’t have a clue. You have no idea what it’s like out there in the real world. When everything comes crashing down around you, don’t come to me again. And if I were you, I wouldn’t bother going to your friends either. ‘Cause guess what? Half of them don’t even like you." I said to her


"What are you saying now Jeron?" she asked


"No one needs anything from you Julianne, especially me. I’ve been through hell this last year, and I haven’t broken.  I know you say that you don’t care and that we’re doing fine, but we both know that’s a lie. It's over now Julianne. Have fun with your life. ” I said to her, ending the bad romance we're having right now.

“Wow Jeron, I never thought you could say those words. How could you do this to me? After all that we’ve been through . You’ve changed. You’re entirely a different person. You’re not the Jeron I fell in love with." she said

I answered her: “You don’t get to be mad at me. You did this. You get that right?" I asked her. She didn't answer back.  "I have always been there for you. I have gone out of my way for you over and over again. Do you do the same for me? No. Never. And yet I keep my mouth shut and say nothing about it. I am not in any way trying to say I was a perfect boyfriend. But I honestly believe I have done everything I am capable of doing, to keep you in my life."


"You think I didn't do anything to keep you? Is that what you're trying to say right now?" She answered me.

"The more I tried to keep you, the more you pushed me away. I have been more understanding and forgiving with you, than I was ever capable of being with anyone else. I have literally put myself through emotional hell for you. I’m not blaming you for this, because I chose that. I chose to allow you to walk all over me without ever saying a word. I did that because I wanted you in my life so badly. But you don’t get to be angry with me because I’ve finally decided that I can’t take it anymore. I can’t be the only one trying. It hurts too much. But apparently you don’t understand that. I loved you. You will always be my first love. But I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been yours, and I can’t be second best anymore. I’m fucking tired of being second best to everyone. Especially you. So I’m letting this go. Never thought I’d say that, did you? I have to. I have to let this go because I’m not strong enough to handle it anymore. If you want me in your life, you need to fucking prove it to me. But, who am I kiddin’? I don’t want to be with you ever again.” She didn't answer back.... 'cause I'm right. And we're done. We're so much done. 

I walked out,  leaving her dumbfounded. Thinking through the last words I said. 

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako papunta. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako dinadala ngayon ng mga paa ko. Basta ang gusto ko lang, lumayo sa kanya. I want to be alone right now. I want to think. Ayoko na. Ang sakit sakit na eh. Sobra. 

Patuloy pa din ako sa paglakad hanggang nakarating ako sa isang bench sa garden ng mall. I sitted there, thinking of everything that's happening in my life at the moment. 

I started to be teary-eyed. Wala na akong pakialam sa mga nakakakita. My eyes can't take it anymore that it has to release the tears Im holding on since earlier. I don't want them to see me cry. I don't want them to see how miserable my life is right now. 

I'm crying, this I would admit. I don't care what you say about me right now. This is me. I may be strong but being strong is not enough sometimes. I want to cry until my eyes wouldn't have any tears left. Ngayon lang 'to. I promise that I'll stop crying so much so that no one will have to deal with me and my emotions.  I looked up at that sky and started to see how the clouds move.

Then I whispered to myself:

"I am so lost. I wish I have someone to talk about eveything that I've been going though right now. Wow, what a life. I don't know what to do now. Everything's just so out of control and I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do at all. I'm just looking at the gloomy sky right now. I don't know how to get there. I don't have any choice but to try to move on. Somehow, maybe. I hope so. I'll try to be hopeful that everything with turn out fine in the end. But it's so hard, eveything just seems to be hopeless. I know that I need to be strong, for myself. I'll promise I'll try to be strong, I'll try;

I want things to be better.

I want to be so much more than I am.  

We will get there and things will be good. Maybe not now, but I know it's going to happen. I will be okay. I promise. 

and It's finally the time to give back the pieces that belongs to me."