Fairytale

15• Toxic for Thee

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(A/n: Sorry for the extended wait 😅 people were dropping dead left and right. My grandmother died of cancer at 3:20 a.m. on a Sunday, October 4th in 2020. My brother wrecked into a tree at a 100 mph almost dying and needing me to care for him for 7 months in January of 2021. My father's body was found the following February - found mummified after he shot himself 3 months later and barely 2 months after his mother died. In February of 2022, my great grandmother, a staple of my life, passed away at the age of 94. She's been there as long as I can remember, making homemade biscuits with a container of flour and a sifter. All of this was tragic, but losing my grandmother in December of 2022 nearly did me in. She had been my rock, my confidante, my mother in every way my own could not. In March of 2023 my brother moved back in with us and we had to help him with Fentanyl withdrawal among other things, some of which we're still dealing with. His withdrawal gave me PTSD I believe - seeing your sibling in so much pain their eyes are rolling back in their head and you're afraid to sleep in case they die, will do that do you.
That same month we found out my aunt, who'd lost her mother in December, has breast cancer. She's still fighting as of now. Two days after my birthday, on the 23rd of June, my great aunt passed away. I hadn't known her my entire life but she'd been a dear friend and confidant of mine these past 2 years. Now here I am at the end of this chaos, and lost. You can understand then how my writing slipped through my fingers and how I could believe our family is cursed. Tragedy is a part of life, but this is abnormal.)

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Growing up, I was afraid. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of being alone forever. I was afraid of people as they so often turned away from me. Even my friends didn't look deeper than the surface. People terrify me. They terrify me because I can never quite synchronize with them just as they can't with me. My frequencies travel through the clouds, far, far away from the ground, whereas everyone else's travels through the designated lines from pole to pole.

Fakir, Judas, Indigo, Corvus, Christian - they don't scare me. Maybe they should. Maybe I should be more worried staying under the roof of monsters, but I've never felt more secure. They make the darkness less terrifying, less consuming.

How strange am I to curl up with monsters and cower from humans? How odd must I be to be crying for them now in this place of nothingness - this dark void that's taken the breath from my lungs?

This place.

This dark place, it holds nothing. There's no warmth and no chill. There's nothing to smell or taste or feel. There is no light to guide me out. Am I floating, or am I laying down? Am I upright or longways?

I can't tell.

My eyes open, tears pooling as I gaze above into the never-ending abyss. This, this, feels like my worst fears come to life. Here I am alone, and no one can save me. I'm forsaken to the dark, lost forever in my greatest fears and insecurities. I'm disconnected from reality, and there's no tether to guide my hand back to steady ground.

How did I end up here?

My brow furrows through my tears as I try to piece together the moments leading up to my ultimate circumstance. I can hear music and crickets, laughter and intimate noises. I can feel the blush burning my cheeks and the earth pulling at my knees as I scuffle backwards. A grumpy chortle and a raspy wise crack.

Then screams.

A pulsation erupts from me, eyes widening with a gasp. The screaming! God, the screaming!