Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (Tate Langdon Fanfiction)

Halloween (2) - chapter 12

You didn't know me, when you were a kid
In trouble at school, alone at lunch again
I didn't know you, when I broke my knee
Spent the summer on crutches, and everybody teased
Except for this one friend I almost forgot

***

"So...tell me more about those fantasies. What is it that scares you?"

"The way that i don't feel anything when i point the gun at those kids. There's no sadness, remorse. My brain just keeps telling me that I'm doing the right thing." I play with the hem of my shirt, while talking calmly to the man sat in front of me, with a paper and a pen in his hands.

"You mentioned that you have a skeleton mask?"

"Yes. I think i have it because I'm afraid of people actually seeing my face." I nod, avoiding his gaze.

"Not showing your face, hiding behind a mask, it means that you are somewhat ashamed of what you're doing." He tells me, like his response has been rehearsed and said before.

"I'm hoping that having that mask would scare people away so that I'm not the only one scared of myself." I answer knowingly.

"So you do recognize what you're capable of."

"Yes." I swallow, waiting for an answer. He goes all quiet, but i can hear that he is writing something down.

"Do you believe in God?" He asks once he's done.

"No."

"But you do believe that in the afterlife, there is a better place, a kinder place?"

"Yes." I respond quickly and decide to look at him.

"Have you ever tried killing yourself?"

"Yes, but i never actually wanted to die. I know my limits, and i know when to stop." The tone of my voice doesn't change.

"So why do you do it?" He asks, furrowing his brows.

"To keep myself distracted." I shrug and give him a small smile.

"So if you don't want to die, it means that you don't want to go to that kinder place?"

"No." I shake my head.

"Why?"

"I don't deserve it. Everyone else does, but not me. That's why I keep fantasizing of killing other people. I feel like I'm doing an act of kindness."

Silence.

"I know that it is wrong to think like that. But i can't stop it." The words come out almost in a whisper. My head falls down. I don't know if i actually mean those words, or if i only told him what he wanted to hear.

"But i want to stop it. I want to be good." I continue, and make eye contact, trying to convince him that I'm not lying.

"That's a good start." He says after a short pause. I'm curious if he's ever had patients like me before.

"My mom told me that I'm a psychopath. And i believe her. It's not normal to think like this." I rationalize. Do I actually think that? No. But maybe if I keep repeating to myself that what I feel isn't normal, maybe I'll convince myself in the end.

"Seems like your mother is an important influence in your life."

"Sometimes I blame everything on her."