The Fence

Chapter 35: Music

Donte shakes his head, which only annoys me further. "Don't do that," he mutters, glaring at his lap.

I gaze at him, feeling my eyebrow twitch in frustration. "What?"

"Don't pretend you don't care. Grey did that too, and it..." he trails off slowly, some memory playing back in his mind. "The point is, I know you do."

"Yeah?" I bite my own lip. "What if I do? What if I do care, but he accidentally sets me off or slams the door in my face or builds up his walls again and I build up mine and we're back to me being scared of him. What if I don't know who he used to be?"

Donte blinks.

"I know I'm the only reason Grey turned Demi in," I continue, letting out the rest of my ongoing, ragged breath. "And I know he wishes he didn't, and that he could help her and free her from that QR. I was almost to that point too, but then Nixon reminded me of who the yukos really are."

Donte looks conflicted, like there's a lot he wants to tell me but can't because he'd be breaking a blood bond.

"But let's forget Grey's past for a minute. What about my future? My future is...well...do I even have a future? What if my panic attack was only the first of many?"

"Kirbena..."

I've realized that I'm completely lost at this point, wandering through a maze molded by words and fears. I'm off on a tangent, and now that I've brought up my panic attack, there's no hiding from it any longer. "What if I let Grey see me, and my old fear comes back where I'm useless, paralyzed as a bird with a broken wing, and I panic, and I can't stop, and I'm drowning in a pool of red again?" By the end, my throat is raw and I'm choking on my own voice, but Donte only gazes at me softly as the gears in his head work to follow me.

"You don't need to be afraid of Grey," Donte whispers.

"I know!" I exclaim, trying not to break into a sob. "But I am!"

Donte blinks again. "Why?"

"Because there's a part of me that blames him too!"

I pause and rest the tip of my tongue on the back of my front teeth. That hadn't been what I meant to say, but it was the first thing that came toppling out. Donte's eyebrows are pinched together, and I feel him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I let out a shaky breath and meet his eyes with my own. "There's a part of me that blames him for Nixon, and I know there shouldn't be, but there is."

I know that Donte doesn't know how to respond, so we sit in an eerie silence for a few seconds. When Donte finally starts to reply, he's wearing a small grin. "I think everyone is afraid of him at first."

I shoot him a look telling him not to lie, then bite my lip in confusion. "Really? No one else seemed to be scared. I mean, Ky thought there was something off, but he was never scared."

Donte shakes his head. "Grey hasn't shown much emotion for a long time," he utters. "At least, not until you came."

"Me?"

Donte grins as if reliving Grey's memories. "I think he saw himself in you."

"How?" I ask.

"Well, your bond with Sutikka is just as strong as his was with Light," Donte begins. "And your attitude. He didn't talk back all the time like you did, but he liked how fiery you were. He said, 'my squad is going to have the most talent', and then he said, 'even if she did break my finger'. Grey was right too, you definitely have talent. And he definitely had talent. All you had to do was watch him fight and you would be lost in his talent. Point is, he saw your strength and just knew that you were like him."