Heavy Blood

12. Tobirama

It had been too long. Way too long. I'd done so many Bad Things that I knew God didn't appreciate, and it made me feel dirty. So. Dirty. And that, in turn, made me feel terrible regarding Izuna. How could I feel dirty for comforting such a pure man? How could I feel like punishing myself for beating someone up to save such a precious soul? How could I feel wrong when sleeping next to him had felt so right? I couldn't answer any of those questions. All I knew was that I'd wronged, and I needed to balance that out with my rope.

I tip-toed downstairs. I knew Izuna had retrieved his suitcase that was still outside the church and was currently marking a pile of exams he'd brought with him ("They haven't been able to talk about anything but you every religion lesson! It's incredible! They're doing really well after everything  you explained to them.") so I thought I should be safe. I opened the heavy metal door to the stone room and walked to my rope. I sighed, took my T-shirt and trousers off. I was wearing no underwear, so I was only wearing two pieces, making undressing easy. I stood and blew hot air through my teeth, breathing in the cold that had nothing to do with the temperature around me. I closed my eyes, lifted my hand and began my punishment until I was down on my knees. 

Two weeks passed, and Izuna and I came into some sort of routine together. During the day, I worked in the church while he was away teaching. When he came back, we ate dinner together and talked before I went home. Nothing else happened between us during this time; we didn't kiss, we didn't mention what had happened that day at breakfast, we didn't even flirt. Izuna didn't seem disappointed; he was always incredibly chirpy. At first after the rape, he'd seemed a bit sullen, but when Mito had examined him at her GP practice and told him everything was fine, and he'd also filed a police report (that would probably not lead anywhere), he cheered up. I was grateful for that as his bright presence brought a sunshine into the dim cathedral it had never really seen before. And Izuna was a good guest; he kept his room, the kitchen and the bathroom clean and sometimes, he got here without me even noticing because he was so quiet, so timid about his presence.

The Big Thing happened on the evening exactly two weeks after he had moved here, on a Wednesday. We had a dinner of take-away sushi I'd brought as a surprise in the hope of cheering Izuna up after visiting his brother, and we were munching in amicable silence. But I was in pain. I was in immense, excruciating pain. I had used the discipline that morning, and the rashes were so bad that they wouldn't heal. This was probably one of those rounds that would require antibiotic treatment from Mito ("Do you think God would appreciate you contributing to antibiotic resistance? Hmmm?!") I think Izuna noticed, because he kept casting worried glances at me.

"Tobirama, are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes", I said, smiling weakly. "Just a headache."

"I don't like when you lie to me", he said, looking at me angrily. "I thought we were friends."

Friends... "How did you know I was lying?" I asked.

"I work with children", Izuna said, not moving a muscle in his face, looking at me demandingly. "Adults are basically the same, only larger."

I sighed. "Not yet, Izuna..."

He just looked at me for a while, then, to my great relief, he nodded, and continued with his sushi. I noticed then he really, really couldn't use chopsticks. He struggled lifting the pieces up, then used one chopstick in each hand, before finally giving up and using his hand.

"Come here", I said warmly, and stood up and went behind him. I took his hand in mine and put the chopsticks between his delicate yet masculine fingers. "Hold it like a pen. There we go. The pressure comes here... Like so. Good. Now, soy sauce. Keep grabbing it so you don't drop it!" Izuna pinched like there was no tomorrow, not liking too much soy sauce on his pieces like I did. "And now..."

Suddenly, he turned around and locked eyes with me, lips and eyes glistening. I lost my grip around his hand, but he still held the avocado piece steadily between the chopsticks.

"Tobirama..." he whispered and lifted the piece to my mouth. I opened my mouth and took the entire thing in my mouth, letting my lips fold around the chopsticks. I chewed and swallowed, and kept looking at Izuna below me. A million dirty thoughts flew through my brain at that point, causing me to panic.

I turned round and ran out of the kitchen.

The stone room was cold, unwelcoming, the total opposite of Izuna. I thought back of what I'd told the children about falling for someone. Is my loyalty to the religion being tested... Or is it my ability to open my heart to someone that is being put to test? Either way, I wasn't making a particularly good job of it, not respecting God's rules well enough and not giving myself over to Izuna completely, either. I felt terrible when thinking about how I'd left him in the kitchen, chopsticks in the air after having fed me, how surprised and disappointed he must've been at my sudden departure.

I dreaded this whipping more than any other, ever. Not only was the re a risk that Izuna was looking for me, but the pain from this morning was still raw and white-hot. Never before had I whipped myself when the pain was this bad. Seven... You don't need to do ten, only do seven. I undressed until I stood naked, my erection still alive from Izuna feeding me. I clenched and unclenches my fists, and then I let the first blow hit.

This time, I fell to my knees immediately. I couldn't help but a roar escaping my lips. Never in my life had I experienced pain this raw. It was the first time I wished I could die just to escape it. So I shut off. I just shut off my brain. Over and over, I lifted my hand, let the ropes rain over my exposed muscle tissue. I couldn't hear anything but the ringing in my ears.

Until I did.

The scream was terrible, heart-crushing, turning my blood into ice, then causing it to boil and evaporate. No words were spoken; it was just an ear-splitting scream.

He ran to me, and I felt the rope being torn out of my hands. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!" he screamed, tears streaming down his face. His eyes looked wild, his nostrils were flared, and he looked a thousand times more scared than on the night I'd found him being raped. Somewhere behind the wall of mist if created around myself to protect me from the brain, I registered all of this. "Is this what your religion tells you to do?! Or is it your own stupid interpretation?! ANSWER ME!!" He threw the discipline on the ground, grabbed my face. "Tobirama, WHY?!"

I stood up then. I don't know why, but I put my hand on his waist then. Probably because the situation was so absolutely bizarre, and I had no idea how to handle it. He looked at me with a surprised expression, then leaned his head back and moaned softly beneath my touch. As soon as the pain from my back came over me, I forced it back, still shutting off vital parts of my brain. Not the ones who were obsessed with this man, though. I leaned in and I kissed him, pulling him closer.

And in the madness of it all, he kissed me back.