Heavy Blood

5. Tobirama

I was sitting on the fence of the altar after the children had left, hands clasped together, thinking. Just thinking. Wow... Just wow. What had just happened back there?

More than once, I had imagined catching feelings for someone, falling for them, being in love with them, marrying them... But never before had I actually even come close to being interested. I saw myself as a very sexual being, thinking about that sort of things a lot, but when it came to feelings, something seemed to be... Lacking. But now... I hadn't caught feelings; it was too fast. But I had caught interest in someone, it seemed.

I smiled when thinking about him. He wasn't short by any means, maybe one-eighty or so, but definitely shorter than me. He looked very unusual to be an elementary school teacher. Well, I knew I wasn't one to speak, seeing I looked very unusual to be a Catholic priest. But it was still remarkable, his alternative clothes, his pointy, beautifully sculpted face, his jet-black, silky hair that reached his waist. Not to even mention how completely unaware he was that he was in complete control of his class in a way I never thought possible if you were one adult in charge of fifteen eight-year-olds. His pupils respected him not because of what he said or did, but because of his entire demeanour. It wasn't daunting or scary in any way; he just oozed goodwill, that he wanted to do good for his class, and they latched on to that, probably without even realising it. I crossed my arms and sighed, a smile playing on my face. And the way he had looked at me... I was inexperienced, at least during the last years of my life as I had become a priest at twenty-two and was now twenty-eight, but I thought I knew enough to realise he was interested in me, too.

I heard footsteps, and saw Hashirama come closer to me.

"How did it go?" he asked.

"Phenomenal", I said.

"Oh..." He sounded surprised. "Well, good for you. You want to go to the gym at five?"

"I'm game", I said and jumped off the fence. My mood suddenly plummeted when I realised that all my thoughts about Izuna Uchiha would require ten whippings tonight, plus the three from yesterday I hadn't been strong enough to carry out. 

Me and Hashirama went to the gym together when the last visitors had left the church. Him and me had taken over the church after the previous priest, a friend of the family, retired. At first, Hashirama had been the head priest while I was still an apprentice, but after a while, I had taken over. Hashirama still worked, though. But the church was mostly mine, and I led the services that we held on Wednesday afternoons and Sundays. The job didn't pay well, involved a lot of administration and wasn't very physically satisfying, but I loved it. And all the more reason to go to the gym together to move.

Three times a week we lifted weights together, and two times a week we did spinning. During spring and summer, we exchanged one spinning class for running in the forest. Today was weight lifting day, and we stayed for a good two hours. I was honestly lucky my stitches didn't burst; I wasn't supposed to exercise for at least two weeks after being stitched up, but both Hashirama and Mito knew there was no use in telling me. And also, by two weeks, I would have whipped myself again several times already. Once finished lifting, we showered, spent some time in the sauna with towels wrapped around our hips and talking casually, then went to our respective homes. Hashirama and Mito had a house together, and I had an apartment I'd bought when I was twenty-five, but most nights, I slept in the resting room in the church. I found it oddly comforting, somehow, sleeping in that little room when I knew the vastness of the church was just downstairs. Also, being in the church alone at night allowed me to whip myself without any interference from Hashirama, or anyone else.

I poured a can of refried beans in a bowl and warmed it in the microwave in the little kitchen and ate it with toast, not really feeling like anything less simple that night, then sat down on the bed to eat and think. I let my mind wander to Izuna, as I knew it would. I wondered what kind of man he was, when you got to know him. I knew he must be kind, considering the career path he'd chosen for himself. Did he have a partner? Was he even interested in men? That loud girl had said he was a homosexual, but what did she know? I chewed a piece of toast, enjoying how something so simple could taste so good. He must be, judging by how he behaved when I low-key flirted with him. Having finished my meal, I stood up. I took off my T-shirt and sweatpants and put on my black shirt. I fastened my priest's collar and donned my black trousers and robe. I put on black socks, my shoes and finally the long, broad purple collar with golden details that went over my shoulders and hung down to my thighs. I walked down the stairs to the altar, where I jumped over the fence, and sat down on my knees. I closed my eyes, took my long pearl necklace with the crucifix from my pocket, and took a deep breath.

When I chanted, it always started as a purr deep down in my chest. I inhaled air in my stomach, and let it press past my vocal cords, creating a deep vibration. The chanting was low at first, but then increased in volume so that soon, my voice filled the entire church. It made me feel immensely powerful. And I started praying.

I prayed for Hashirama and Mito, that they would be happy and get the child I knew they desired. I prayed for our mother and father, who were getting older by the day. I prayed for the visitors of my church, especially those who came for every service. I prayed for the children of Izuna's class. And I prayed for Izuna, that he would find strength to guide his pupils to a good life, that he would find satisfaction in his own, that he would be stable and happy and healthy. And I prayed for me, that I would have the strength to know what was right when the time came.

Slowly, I let my chanting die out. I sat still for a while before standing up. Then, I went to the cream-coloured stone room with the showered and the metal well. I took off my robe with the purple collar, let it fall to the ground. I tore off my white priest's collar and threw it to the side. Already, my breathing was becoming ragged in anticipation. I could feel Mito's stitches stretch uncomfortably as I let the muscles in my back play. It was still excruciatingly painful. I unbuttoned my shirt, let it fall to the ground as well before undoing my belt, taking off my shoes and socks and then pulling my trousers down together with my underwear. I was standing completely naked then, and I had an erection because I was thinking about Izuna. He was the main reason why I was doing this; I'd had all sorts of wicked thoughts about us that I loved but hated myself for. I picked up the discipline from its hanger, then stood tensed like a spring for several minutes before I finally lifted my hand and let the ropes rain down my back thirteen times.

I fell asleep in my own blood I the stone room that night out of pure exhaustion.