The dark haired dug into his pocket slightly panicked as rushed out his bedroom door. In the momentary rush to get out to his car to drive to campus fast enough he passed by the semi dead looking blonde. The other's hollow eyes formed the internal guilt that hug into him.
Glancing for one final moment he ran out the door to head to his class. His mind continued to linger the whole drive to the university. Huffing air as he entered the lecture hell, he looked around before locking his eyes onto a distanced seat from the others. Keeping his head down, he rushed to take a seat before the professor arrived.
Digging through his bag for his assignment for the morning to deliver to the basket up in the front a tall figure towered over him with a hand held out. He turned over to the tall female with a clueless stare, "Give me your assignment I'll turn them in." she ordered.
He looked down from his paper to her hand before handing it over to her willingly. His eyes followed her pathing before she took a seat beside him. "How was your trip home?" she parched her arm up to rest her head. "Let me sum it up in one word, angsty." he sighed boredly
"Rough night?" her sultry voice tingled his ears severely. "I guess you could say that" his fingers fumbled with his hoodie strings. "Wanna head to the cafe later?" she offered to him. Shrugging he stared exhaustedly at the other, "I just wanna disappear if anything.." he muttered
"You know Na, you can stay at my place if going to your place stresses you out." she stared softly at him. He immensely shook his head almost as if he was held hostage to say no, "No, no I can't do that. I have to stay there." he said in a strange defensive way. Furrowing her eyebrows, she shook her head as well, "But it's clearly not making you well-"
"No. No. I can't. I can't, I can't." he raised his voice slightly as her eyes widened at the sudden change. "Alright alright.. Are you sure everything's okay Jaemin?" she raised her eyebrow at her final attempt of checking up on him.
Sighing slightly he shook his head, "I need my coffee.." he muttered stuffing his face into his arms. The simple movement made her chuckle, reaching out to stroke his head. "I'll get you some coffee later bud." her radiant smile flashing for the first time in awhile.
^
"I swear every time I watch you drink that god forsaken thing I lose my sanity." she squinted in disgust at the drink. "Then don't watch" he shrugged basically downing the drink in just a few minutes. "You've messed around with people correct?" she asked the odd question, "In what context?" he pushed the cup between his hands across the table
"Playboy by exo type shit." she laughed making him smile alongside her. "Hmm I feel like a more Artificial Love by exo type of feel you know?" to which she nodded, "I feel the same perhaps." she rested her head on her palm. "When's your next lesson?"
"Can't remember my alarm will remind me an hour before it starts." he stated bluntly making her shake her head, "What a unique way of remembering your times table." she rolled her eyes boredly at him.
"I've been meaning to ask," his voice catching her off guard for a moment. "Why do you stick around with me? I mean you have better things to do right?"
A laugh emitted from her lips at his thought. "If I had better things to do I wouldn't even be talking to you bud. I find you interesting so I stick around and I care for you like a friend does." her honest opinion making him slightly surprised. Nearly bursting into tears, he returned the smile alongside her
"T-thank you" his smile failed to falter at her words. "Hey are you okay-" she chuckled slightly. He nodded eagerly with a genuine grin. The one he couldn't muster up earlier or the day before. A comfortable feel drew him into her, like a serotonin pill that only now started acting up. He would be lying if he said he wasn't glad for her presences but the small pride inside of him left said otherwise.
After a few minutes of back and forth between the two the separated on their own accords. The drive in his chair was silent, the only noise being the cars passing by his. A sudden rush of anxiousness overwhelmed him thinking of what would happen if he got home.
What if I made Moon cry? he gulped at the thought. His hands began to shake slightly and his throat ran dry. Attempting to calm his breathing patterns, his mind couldn't let go of it. Like a cycle he couldn't and wouldn't let go of if his life depended on it.
Sick. That's all he felt really, sick. No idea how he'd survive being in the same place has his best friend. He rethought his choices and reconsidered the preposition of staying at Jung's place. Battling his own thoughts for a consistent 10 minutes the view of his apartment complex drew closer and closer.
"What if, what if I just." he considered the idea of just, turning the car and leaving. The sky was turning dark and he had no idea what would be open right now. "Alcohol.." he muttered to himself trying to remember the nearest convenience store from there.
"I'm really feeding into this addiction.. Lets go somewhere else" he reminded himself before driving to a familiar place. Sighing quietly he removed the keys from his car and leaned back thinking. Tired would be an understatement on how he felt at that moment.
"I need to apologize to Moon.." he huffed out, covering his face with his hands in a stressed way. He was so stressed over this whole situation. On one end his mind felt so much guilt, while the other end was telling him it wasn't his fault.
Was it his fault or was it not? He couldn't make up his mind whatsoever. "Fuck it, I'll just apologize, how hard can it be?"
^
He shook furiously in the corner of his room. Borderline, he just wanted to crawl into a hole and sob a river. What went wrong? Maybe the fact that he saw this roommate gone from the apartment and posted on his instagram of him and the mystery dude drinking alcohol at their spot.
He wasn't hurt, no who would ever think that. He wasn't hurt at all, he was perfectly fine with not a single problem in the world.
He was so fucking hurt, if you could describe a wall collapsing but emotionally, that would be Jaemin in this situation. What could've made it more obvious? The crying or the basically already smashed phone on the other side of the room from him.
Letting out a laugh that could only be described as psychotic, "I need a new phone." He coughed from his sudden choice to strain his throat. God it hurt so much but he had no idea what to do. Given the fact that his phone probably doesn't work at this point anymore he couldn't go anywhere
The constant reminder of the sickliness that he felt from himself he couldn't tell if he felt shit or his life was making him feel like shit. "This.. Sucks.. Dick." he strained laughing through his river of tears.
Shakiness leaked from his body, whether it was his eyes shaking or his hands shaking he couldn't focus anything.
It was like this untold curse that when having a breakdown you're gonna lose connection from your body itself to the point of no return. Given this whole situation was new to him and he never had this bad of a breakdown he couldn't process how to stop himself. His brain triggering so many things at once that the sensitivity of himself made him disgusted
"I h-hate this.." he stuttered out coughing immensely from straining his voice. He knew he shouldn't have but there wasn't anything telling him to turn back anymore. No one to tell him to stop, no one to tell him to breathe. Just him and his corruption.
--------------------------------------------
a.n
happy 4/20
