as long as i'm here / / billie eilish

chapter 16 - ambulance sirens

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF HARM

"baby wake up" i heard Billie's voice.

i turned around, ignoring her.

"baby c'mon mom made us breakfast. don't ignore me"

"Billie i am tired. we stayed up late last night" i said with raspy voice.

"i know but it's almost 1pm, you need to get up" she said and rubbed my shoulders.

"ugh fine" i groaned.

i sat up and leaned my back against the headboard. Billie leaned in to kiss me but i pulled back.

"Billie i know i have morning breath and it's fucking horrible" i chuckled.

"i don't care" she exclaimed and smashed her lips on mine. i hesitantly kissed her back.

"let's go eat now, okay?"

"yeah, i'm hungry as fuck" i told her and got up.

last night was absolutely perfect. slowdancing with my girlfriend in her backyard at night felt like a movie scene. crazy things can happen in life. my feelings for her got even stronger, if that's even possible.

after breakfast Billie went over to Finneas's house to make some music or something. i decided not to be up her ass all the time and stayed home. i had work to do anyway. i opened my laptop and started working on a piece for someone's clothe brand.

i tried my best to concentrate on my work but millions of thoughts were running through my mind. and none of them were good. i had the best girlfriend i could ever ask for but everything else in my life was shit. my family didn't love me and my only friend, Autumn, was really dry to me. all i had was Billie, who i was afraid i would hurt sooner or later with all these problems i had.

suddenly, i started crying. i was overwhelmed. i started shaking and struggling to take deep breaths. even though i had Billie, i hated the way life turned out for me.

"i can't do this anymore" i whispered to myself with tears streaming down my face.

i really couldn't do this. i wanted to give up. but then it was Billie. i had strong feelings for her. i almost felt like i loved her but i didn't really want to accept it because i knew i would hurt her and lose her. i really wanted life to stop. i just couldn't take more bullshit.

i snapped out of my thoughts when i got a text from Billie saying she was on her way back. i immediately wiped my tears away and continued working.

she arrived about 10 minutes later.

"hello baby" she said opening the door.

"hi baby. did you wrote any fire music today?"

"we didn't really have much inspiration today, to be honest"

i nodded my head and she laid in bed next to me.

"i'm gonna take a nap, i'm tired" she mumbled with closed eyes.

"okay baby. i was actually about to take a quick shower. it won't be long" i lied.

A/N: sorry to interrupt guys, im sure you've read the tw in the beginning but i just wanna remind you that the rest of the chapter may be really triggering for you. if you don't feel like reading about self harm in detail you can skip all the way to the end at author's note, where i've written a short description of the chapter with way less triggering details. im doing this because i know this is a very sensitive topic and i don't wanna trigger anyone. stay safe, ily.