After Kissing

3.

He giggled, reaching out for my hair that fell over my shoulder and I felt my chest unclenching a bit; but it felt as if I was still out there, hyper aware of the sounds of their faint voices and the hard beating of my heart against my ribs.

That's what Nate does to me.

Last time I'd seen him, we were breaking up. And not a nice breakup. He broke up after a massive fight over two points: mistrust and lack of commitment.

Kimberly had just been interned in the hospital and he found out I'd lied about knowing her disorder. We fight about it, he made it all my fault -something I'd later learned not to think myself. But not only that. He spent the night with her ex and broke up the next day, moving to the other end of the country and cutting all bonds with me.

I told him I loved him one last time, and he told me that he didn't ask me to.

Back then I was so down and lost, he was my first boyfriend and my first everything and he just went. Disappeared from my life as if I never even mattered and it was easy to let me go. But he wasn't. Even now I could tell the huge impact he had on me because five years later and I still could feel dizzy just by having seen him again.

But now I knew better.

He guilt-tripped me over something that wasn't my entire fault, Kimmy getting so bad wasn't my responsibility. I might have done a lot of things different knowing how that would end, but her shit was something she was dealing with and I could only help so far.

And the sudden break up? After staying at his ex girlfriend's house? Once I overcome the initial sadness and shock it was easy for me to realize what happened. What really happened.

He wasn't into commitment, he told me so at the beginning and I guess things never really changed with time. My secret must have just given him the perfect excuse and I failed to realize the relationship was over even before he said those words.

And once I realized that, his reasons to break up became mine: commitment and mistrust.

So no, that wasn't a nice, mature nor peaceful break up. And even if that was long ago, seeing him now and unprepared wasn't an easy pill to swallow.

So I focused on Westie. They would leave soon anyway, and then I could stop feeling so at ease for being in the same ground as him once more.

I tickled the baby and play with his hands until I heard them finally getting ready to leave and pushed down the bitterness, getting up with West resting on my hip to say the goodbye. Kimmy and Riley were in the lobby, by the door Riley held half open, hurriedly whispering to themselves.

I glanced around, but Nate wasn't here and my eyes set back to the door. Maybe he's left already. A huge sense of relief loosened my chest.

Kimberly hissed something and Riley frowned, looking conflicted. It wasn't everyday you see them even disagreeing on something. They'd been together for a couple years now, not always officially; but ever since Riley arrived in her life, Kimberly's been different. More stable, focused and able to push forward her troubles -with herself and with the world.

But also, since Riley was always this sweet and archetype good boy, it was weird to see him frowning, even remotely displeased with whatever conversation they were having.

After a second to hesitate, I decide to wonder softly: "Is everything alright?"

Riley looked at me, still frowning and Kimmy sighed. No. Something  definitely is off. He then looked at Kimberly but she just returned his stare, raising her chin and folding her arms. It felt like a challenge and he sighed, looking away.