Running • Iggy

Control

I was strong. Strong because I was a monster. A monster because of the School. A monster because I could remember everything. A monster because everything in my life hated me. I was a winged mammal in the shape of a human. A beast with hands, legs and a human body. I was worthless, a weapon, a test, an experiment. I would never be normal, I would never be a happy kid. I was weak, in reality, despite the fact I felt the car's door snap at my weight flying at it. I felt the large, heavy metal lift off its side two wheels and flip onto its back, and only then did one word register in my mind.

"Citrus!"

It wasn't even the word that was spoken that made me spin, it was the voice. Iggy. My thoughts were speeding at thousands of miles per hour, blending and submerging into a murky pool of green liquid, struggling to float as seaweed wrapped around them. But one had managed to swim, soar above the rest, I wish the thought was more helpful, but it was just Iggy. He was standing 10 steps behind me, about 4 steps in front of the others, who were trying to tell him not to talk to me. They're scared. I'm a monster.

"You're not a monster." Iggy's soothing voice made me realize I had spoken aloud. "Hey, it's okay. Breathe, just keep watching me. This isn't your fault. You... You must have something like us. We all have a downside. Yours could be no control of anger." He took a step towards me, and I was shaking from the anticipation of wanting to punch something. I was so confused. Nothing in my head was making sense other than the fact he was standing there.

"Please, we don't hate you. You just need to calm down." Another step forward.

"We're only scared because you're cut up, bad." Another step forward.

"We care about you, y'know. You can't keep letting things build up like that until they explode." Another step forward.

"Hey, calm down, you're barely breathing. I can hear it." Two steps. 4 more until he was next to me.

"You're scared, right?" He said in a quiet tone, milky eyes unfocused. "You... You don't understand your brain right now. Angel showed me." Another step. 3 left.

"Your brain... It moves so fast. Faster than ours when we think it moves as fast as it can go. It's like you're thinking thousands of things at once, but you can't pick one out. How overwhelming must that be to deal with?" 2 left now.

"I can't imagine it. I always thought when you'd zone out when you were younger it was because you were focusing on one thing. You're not, are you? You're... It's like you're trapped in the middle of a tornado, every piece of debris is a thought. You keep slamming into the debris, but you can't make it out before it flies off. Is this what it's normally like?" 1. One. Step.

I felt myself shaking, but I could only focus on him. Iggy. My best friend. I took a small step backward, more to regain my balance.

"Come on, Cee." He opened his arms, smiling softly. "Please. Trust me, we're not mad. We're scared for you, not because of you." He whispered. I couldn't move, it felt like I was stuck. My brain couldn't process the idea of moving, just anger and Iggy. Angel must've been doing something to show him that, because he frowned in concern, stepping forward himself and wrapping his arms around me.

I refused to cry. Not in front of them. I had already lost control with Iggy, and now with this. Never again. I found myself moving, putting my arms around his waist and burying my head into his chest. I heard myself whisper "I'm so sorry." over and over again, but it wasn't me doing it, because I was watching from a big movie screen, unable to control myself. At least I wasn't crying.