Morose ✔️

7

I was hungover for days. It was absolutely my own fault for drinking so much and not eating properly first— or after— so I couldn't really blame it on anything else. Even though I desperately wanted an excuse to say some bad things weren't my doing.

My mind was going nuts. Voices told me time and time again how bad of a person I was, how I wasn't good enough for anything, how I didn't deserve life... so I stayed in bed. For days. The only times I got up was to go to the bathroom or eat a handful of dried noodles, or refill my water bottle. A repeat of the days following the night at the river.

I didn't reply to any texts or calls; not even from Jesse this time, which resulted in him picking the lock of my front door and sitting on the ottoman by the foot of my bed for hours. He didn't say anything, and neither did I, he was just... there. A calm presence, ready for me whenever I needed him.

When the sunlight had finally disappeared from the curtains, I turned my head to look at him and said, "I was going to kill myself that night."

It was the first time I voiced that out loud. The words felt dry on my tongue, but in their wake my body relaxed a tiny bit.

He looked up and met my eyes. He turned his phone off without saying anything, just looked at me as my eyes averted his to look at the ceiling before I continued. "I've wanted to do that for a while, but I don't think I have a good enough reason—I'm not good enough to live, but I don't have a good enough reason to not live either." I masked my seriousness with a chuckle.

He kept silent.

I swallowed.

"I wanted to say thank you for tying yourself to me that night," I whispered, slowly sitting up a little more to look at him, "and for taking me to the party, even though I've clearly crashed again." His blue eyes were shiny, like he was about to cry, which made me cry, which made him turn away with a small laugh before he climbed up into my bed to hug me.

"You have a pretty damn good reason to live, Livy," he said softly, "you have friends— me, Helix, to name a few, and that nail polish girl at the party—, and you have your brother, your mom, you have your studies and your whole future. I'd tie myself to you again if I have to."

I laughed. "Thanks, but don't mention Helix," I told him, burying my face in his chest to hide my reddened cheeks. I wasn't sure I thought of him as a friend, or anything else besides a creature of temptation.

"Why, don't you like him?" His voice was taunting now, his hands moved so he could tickle my sides, and I groaned between my breathless laughs, trying to seem uninterested.

The distraction was very welcome. The change of subject made for a nice bridge between my hopelessness and the reality of still living.

"No!" I barely choked out the word as he paused to let me breathe, and I bit my lip before grimacing. "Well... he's your best friend, so—"

"So what?" He stared blankly at me, eyebrows raised in confusion and he shrugged it off. "Helix is a great guy, Livy, you could do a lot worse, and he really likes you— in fact, he won't shut up about you, it's kind of annoying to hear him talk about you in that way. I'd rather you two get together so I won't have to hear his whining about how pretty you are or how magical your eyes are."

It was my turn to stare blankly, all of the intrusive thoughts from before had vanished as I said, "He talks about me? Like that?"

Jesse rolled his eyes and fell bak on the mattress. "Jesus, just suck his cock already."

"Maybe I will!" I exclaimed, falling down next to him. As I thought it through, however, I realized I couldn't. I sighed and started picking at my cuticles as I looked up at the ceiling and said, "I can't."