Morose ✔️

5

Somehow that felt worse than if she'd questioned me about Helix. "I don't know, mom, we're not like that," I whined. "Jesse's like my brother! Jesus."

I picked at the leftover salad on my plate, and looked away, clearly bothered by the subject. I heard her hum, but I wasn't sure if she was amused or annoyed, and I didn't dare meet her eyes again. The fear of her yelling at me for my short temper was too great, and I ended up staring at my empty plate as I waited..

She finished her food and leaned back, pushing on my knee with her foot to regain my attention, and I arched a brow at her. "Are you seeing someone else, then?" she asked, her voice much more serious than before, and I knew I couldn't get out of it.

I shook my head and opted for a half-truth. "No. I'm focusing on my studies, the only person I've seen in months is Jesse."

It wasn't technically that much of a lie either, I didn't intentionally go to the clubhouse that night, and I didn't intentionally see Helix at the store, I just... bumped into him.

"If you say so," she sighed. I could tell she knew something, but I sent her a small smile to let her know I appreciated her not pushing it. "Time to go back home, then, no?"

-

I acted stupidly.

As soon as I closed the door to the car and my mom drove off, I knew I'd been a moody ass to her, especially at lunch. I wasn't a teenager anymore, but I acted like one. The problem was: I didn't want to go out in the first place, so I acted out. I could've said, "No, mom, thank you, but I don't feel great today," and reschedule. I could've said, "Can we do it tomorrow?"

But I didn't.

My shoulders drooped as I walked back to my front door, fumbling with my keys and almost losing the one bag I had of purchased items. As I put the key into the door, I noticed a note hanging on it, and tilted my head.

Knocked like crazy, hope you're out and not dead.
Text me.
- J

I chuckled a little at his weird sense of humor, and got inside. I threw the bag of jewelry onto the couch and pulled my phone out to text Jesse.

I'm definitely dead, I was out with mom.

I let myself fall back onto the couch, pulled out the bag from under me and decided to try them on. I pushed the bracelet over my hand, smiling a little as it slid into place and decorated my otherwise dull wrist. The earrings were a little trickier, I hadn't had anything in my ears for a while, but I managed to get the small rings through, smiling a bit more as I felt the tiniest bit prettier.

The small things that make you feel a hint of hope in the darkest situations are the things you should hold on to. I held on to the fact that I felt better— more like myself— with earrings and a bracelet on, even if the black hole that sucked me in a few months ago was very much still fighting to make me let go of whatever I was holding on to for dear life. That night Jesse found me by the river bank I barely grasped onto a breaking branch, but slowly, after that, I'd gotten a hold on something a little stronger to keep myself from getting lost.

I was munching on some dry noodles when my phone rang that evening, and I wasn't as hesitant to answer when I saw it was Jesse.

"Hey," he chimed before I could say my hello, "there's a party tonight, and, well, someone thought I'd invite you, so... you wanna come? I can pick you up and get you home safe and everything, so don't wo—"

"Sure." I felt courageous. Then I didn't. "Um, at the clubhouse?"

"No, no, it's, uhh— Helix, where is it?" Jesse paused, and I heard the seductively deep voice of his friend, but it was muffled, so I had no idea what he was saying, but that didn't matter— my core was starting to melt either way.. "Right, some warehouse a little ways down the main road. You don't have to, Livy, I was just pressured into asking."

A deep, roaring laugh came from his end of the call, and I bit my lip. The sound continued whatever had started in my stomach, and I wanted to investigate it. Obviously what Jesse said wasn't entirely true based on that laugh, but I didn't care; booze and loud music sounded pretty nice right about then. "I want to," I said, sitting up to gather my thoughts.

"Oh. Well, alright, I'll pick you up around eight?"

"Okay." I nodded to myself, suddenly feeling the regret up to my neck, but he'd already hung up before I could say anything else, as if he knew.

My hands were clammy. My legs shook. My whole body felt like it was on fire one second, then frozen the next. I had no idea what to do with my hands, what to do with myself in general, and end up looking at the time. It was so many hours, which meant I had a lot of time to just sit there and stare— then I realized I'd be drinking, I'd be with other people who were drinking, and I'd have no way of knowing what could happen. In my new somber state I'd probably not have as good impulse control as I took pride in before, and got my ass up to take a shower.

The razor called to me. I stared blankly at it for over a minute, heart pounding, hands trembling.. Then I blinked once. Twice.

No.

Not today.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before using the razor as it was meant to instead. The foam from the shampoo still turned purple as I rubbed it into my scalp— rinsing away any last bits of hair dye I didn't get the last time. Conditioner. For a while I'd skipped it, thinking it was just another thing that society made us buy because we were women, but considering how my hair was becoming one large knot I decided to use some.

It felt weird knowing I had somewhere to be— someone to be with. It was almost as if I had a purpose, at least for one night. I allowed myself to feel okay. I allowed myself to think it was okay to look forward to something, to smile, to dress up and have fun. I was no stranger to those things, but after... I just didn't think I was supposed to be happy again. My punishment for not being there was to be stripped of anything but pain and sorrow for the rest of my life— but that night I allowed myself to let loose.

With my hair dried and styled into elegant waves, my makeup on—even lipstick—, and my body barely covered up with clothes, I stood outside waiting for Jesse when the clock struck eight. The cool air was beginning to bother me just as I spotted the light from his motorcycle, and walked out to the curb to meet him. As he stopped, he looked at me with a horrified face, turned off the engine and shook his head. "Nope," he said, dismounted the bike, grabbed my arm and started walking back towards the door.

"What?" I whined. "I want to have fun! Don't I deserve some fun?"

"Don't you try to guilt trip me, Livy," he said, his finger out towards my face, "this is not acceptable. You don't know the people coming there tonight, and this—" he gestured to all of me, "is not acceptable."

I didn't want to argue, so I rolled my eyes and unlocked the door. "I'll wait all night if I have to!" he shouted after me as I disappeared into my room.

Why did I think I could make him cave with my "but I'm depressed"-excuse. Well, it was true, and I felt like I deserved to dress the way I wanted to to a party, but I also just wanted to party and not fight with him. I'd never admit it, but he was probably right as well, he knew the people there much better than I did, so I grabbed my Guns N' Roses shirt and pulled it over my head, covering up my black bralette and walked back out, hands out like the shrugging-emoji and looked at him questioningly.

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine, I'd go for pants and not shorts, but I'll be nice," he said.

I smiled at him, gave him a finger as I walked past him towards his bike and heard him lock my door behind me. I helped myself to the extra helmet hanging there, and waited.

"Someone's eager," he chuckled and mounted the bike before me, so I could grab onto him as I did. "I honestly didn't think you'd come."

"I didn't either," I admitted, lacing my fingers together around his waist so I wouldn't accidentally slip on the way.

He started the engine and chuckled again. "I don't think Helix will appreciate how hard you're holding me, but oh well."

Then we took off towards my most impulsive and reckless decision in months.