first easter (first everything)

before

i used to at least kinda think i was a boy. well, sort of. i mean, that was what everyone else thought.

i'd never told anyone i really, really felt like a girl.

i tried to hide my true self as best i could.

and i thought nobody knew.

turns out, i was wrong about that, too.

for me, it was just always understood that boys do boys things and girls do girl things, and that was that.

i don't know who taught me that - probably my parents.

i don't know who taught them that - probably theirs.

but i was different, and i knew that just like i knew i had to hide that.

i knew it so hard that i went out of my way to avoid being found out.

no one could know my secret, ever.

sometimes when my sister was at work i would sneak into her room.

okay, fine, maybe it was all the time.

i would pick out something to wear, like i would if i were born a girl in this house.

i half-wished she would come home early one day and just find me there... and just know.

but anytime i heard a noise i would hide in the closet and hurriedly put boy clothes back on.

you could say i spent a lot of time in the closet.

and then in one single day, one fell swoop, everything changed, and forever.